Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

I really hope you are enjoying your time off and will be able to relax. However I miss you and look forward to seeing you on Jan 7th

I'm sorry I keep missing our phone appts. I'll try to do better.

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about how much normal stuff I've missed out on in my life. What would be the point? No use feeling sad over what can't be changed. I'm realizing now that I'm also going to miss out on other normal things in the future, and even though that hasn't happened yet, I'm just as helpless to change that outcome as I am to change the past. I'm not normal. I don't mean that I'm not normal in that I'm unique or special. Perhaps I mean that I'm sub-normal, because I definitely don't mean anything positive. I'm not exactly trying to talk **** about myself either, just being a realist about my capabilities.

You would tell me that I'm being negative, but sometimes I feel like you see the world through rose-tinted glasses and think if you can make me believe something, that must mean it is probable or even possible. My perspective that pigs and cows are land mammals doesn't really shift just because someone says "well maybe pigs will fly and the cow will jump over the moon." To you, my stubborn perspective on the limitations of these farm animals is "too negative." I'm being slightly hyperbolic, but only slightly.

Anyway, this isn't a post about our differences in perspective. I was just lying here before bed feeling quite down about what I have to look forward to in life. I am specifically talking about relationships. I find people utterly exhausting and emotionally draining, yet I also can't seem to do without them (or, perhaps, the threat of them). As we have seen, I cease to care for myself on an even basic level when left to my own devices.

I'm too emotionally overwhelmed to go into the rest of what I'm thinking and dreading right now. Really wish I could rid myself of all of this anxiety. Probably won't even bring it up, tbh. Not sure why. Maybe because it's just too depressing and I'm avoidant.

Would you respond to my email, please? You know how much it cost me to send that.

That moment when you went to offer me a pen, even though we're currently working virtually, will keep me laughing into the New Year. Thank you. <3

Dear T,
I blame you for us catching the mouse today. Did you have to comment on the fact that we haven't caught any?

Also I need to figure out if I want to talk about the thing from last session tomorrow or not. I definitely *don't* want to spend the whole session (or even more than a minute or two) on mouse stuff. Do we need to talk about coping stuff during your time off? I don't know. I feel so silly with the short amount of time each long weekend is. But maybe would be good to discuss it briefly? I don't know...


Love,
LT

I hope the Christmas gift isn’t too silly or weird or anything. It felt right you should have them. When you asked me about how I felt about getting gifts, I was too scared to say about the one you gave me in case it made you feel uncomfortable some how. But I take that stone everywhere.

I’m glad I can trust you with my weird habit of coping. I’m glad you are not judgmental and all you say is “if your into that stuff, cool.” Although I wish I could talk to you now about some stuff.

I wonder where you're at in this book? I'm not very far in yet. Tomorrow's my Friday though so I plan to stay up late reading! I'm really liking it so far and am looking forward to discussing it with you!

T, thank you for your nice caring emails and advocating for me to get some extra support while you're away. but you know what would be better? if you just forgot about xmas, cancelled all of your plans and stayed in town for my sessions. no? really?? are you sure??? oh well, can't blame me for wishing.

So after telling you in my last session before Christmas last week how much I struggle with breaks in therapy and how badly it affects me and can lead to massive deterioration in my mood and I can end up in crisis, today you email me to cancel my first session back in January so now I have even longer in between sessions. Suddenly you are no longer available? I’m presuming that means a better offer came up. Any excuse so you don’t have to see me. Screw you.

I can’t believe you didn’t respond to that email. What is wrong with you?

I want to see you face to face, ffs!

That article I contributed to didn't come to anything. You're the only person who's read it, and probably the person who least needed to. We talk about it every week, for goodness' sake.

Dear T,
You seemed so warm and genuine when you wished me a great holiday. It felt as if you were a friend saying that. And I'm glad I managed not to dissolve into sobs as I said I'd see you Monday. It's not really that long, but when I've been seeing you 3 times a week since late March, it feels like it. I do genuinely hope you enjoy your time off, because you deserve a break. But I'm also glad you're not taking all of next week off, too...
Love you,
LT

my therapist is awesome

I deeply appreciate your texts while your on vacation. Also to vent ....my ex's wife needs to get covid19 tested, my son is there and was visiting during the holidays . now I wont see him for atleast a extra week. he has to quarantine there until her results come back and when they do if neg he will come back here if positive he will be staying there until we are sure its safe for him to come back to me. I feel myself spiraling already. dissociation fogginess numb and my thoughts are not good ones. why do I go to a place of such despair..I think its so that when it really happens its not so bad because I already knew it ...atleast my thinking but nothing can prepare yourself for really bad stuff. You know I will keep in touch i hope you know also that if I were to lose touch its a bad sign. then you need to please reach out to me i hope you know to do that...do you?? My dad recovered from Covid, I dont want to have a son recover or even get it.

Old crow, carrion feeder.

Well, so much for me using my Wednesday therapy hour to do therapy-workings on my own. That had been my plan, but 2 weeks and a couple days into your vacation, and I haven't really done squat therapy-wise. I've been enjoying having time to myself since school ended so much that I haven't even noticed it was therapy time until after the time has passed!!! Who'da thunk it.

Maybe next week!

me too. I fear its going to be a LONG time until I do. Ugh.