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Mountaindewed
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 05:16 PM
  #741
I’m doing good today. The session yesterday helped. Ok I did count down the days until my birthday but that was the only negative thing I did today.

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 05:34 PM
  #742
The last couple of weeks we have pushed some envelopes which have let to some hard realizations and lots of pain. Both are necessary for my healing. Next week I think we need to back off a bit. Just for a session or 2.

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 06:15 PM
  #743
Dear T: My eyes feel dark. You're the only person I know who has ever sort of understood what I meant by that. I wish you knew what it feels like so you could really understand but I am glad you have never experienced it. HUGS Kit

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 06:27 PM
  #744
Dear T: Hmm. Should I call you? I'm not technically in crisis yet. I'm just not well. Kit

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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 11:43 PM
  #745
Instead of calling I turned to my emergency med. So much pain, physical and mental. I don't know which one is worse. Calling this morning took a lot of of me. It was your voicemail but I'm not sure how long i can last before I crack again. This shame is way, way too deep.i need a life line.
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Default Jan 27, 2021 at 11:46 PM
  #746
Dear Info,

I haven’t had a great night—missing the animals, work stress, some other things—and I played the trick where I tell myself “I’m at the limit” and see how I react. Usually I know it’s not true right off.

Tonight I took thirty seconds to know it wasn’t true, and I’m still not sure.

ATAT

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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 09:29 AM
  #747
Thank you for replying to my email with so much compassion and warmth. I was expecting the usual business-like cold response, so the clear reassurance and care took me by surprise. I cannot tell you how much difference that type of response makes to me. It settled so much of the panic I was feeling after yesterday’s session. I am really beginning to feel like there is a potential for me to really trust to you. I am beginning to feel safer in sessions and find myself wanting to tell you more things. I just wish this feeling didn’t terrify me so much.
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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 01:45 PM
  #748
Do you remember when you just told me off for having my shoulders in a defensive position? “Put your shoulders down!” You said. At the end of a session, as I was trying to show you the book I was reading.
Do you remember when I was bravely trying to tell you about some auditory hallucinations, and you told me I was lying because people always knew who was talking to them and I was unsure? I have never talked about them since.
Do you remember assuming I had been in the secure children’s unit, just because it had the same name as the nursing home I had worked in? Maybe you mixed me up with your more usual clients.

Even though there have been lots of good things said, for some reason these things still really hurt. I do wonder who you assume me to be.
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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 02:15 PM
  #749
I have been feeling quite stressed today at work. As my lunch break is winding down and it's almost time to go back on the phones again I'm trying to step outside of the stress and look at it and see if I can hear what it is trying to tell me. I know "it's just a job" but with h not working for the past however many months because of the pandemic, i feel all of the responsibility on my shoulders for everything and I think that's where the stress is from mostly, and only some of it is because we got precious little training to handle these web calls. i understand he doesn't want to be out amidst the public every day to work, him being high risk for covid. and of course i want him to be safe. but it's hard having all of the responsibility on me. well, maybe it's not, he is getting unemployment or whatever it's called again. it's like only half of what he makes working, though so, yeah. I suppose we can talk about this some tomorrow. I don't know.
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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 04:04 PM
  #750
Please improve your memory.

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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 04:45 PM
  #751
Feels like we hit something important today. I needed to be understood when I was trying to unravel the aftermath of the situation, and I wasn't. The anger that arises from unmet needs is the most intense emotion I have ever experienced.

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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 06:08 PM
  #752
Thanks for the reminder text. You and your bitmojis! You're the hippest 70 year old I know. Not that I know many 70 year olds but still! Today's is my favorite so far.
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Mountaindewed
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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 08:01 PM
  #753
I have a problem.

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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 10:09 PM
  #754
Thanks for messaging me about my husband - well, all of us - as we deal with the COVID nightmare. I'll let my husband know you were asking about him next time I talk to him. They are just now getting him up to the ICU. Thank you for being who you always are.
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Default Jan 28, 2021 at 10:46 PM
  #755
If you truly cared, you would have checked on me tonight. You already knew I was struggling. Why couldn't you have just checked in on me?

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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 11:46 AM
  #756
I'm sorry I just didn't have the words to describe how this week has been. I needed the quiet and to listen to the birds in your background.

In almost 3 months it will be the first anniversary since X died.

I cried today when someone asked me if I was okay. I said I wasn't and she gave me a hug.

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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 12:51 PM
  #757
[deleting details]

I've been holding out on telling T something mildly embarrassing because I think it's unimportant and not something he needs to know about, but when I don't tell him something, no matter how small, I just feel a little distanced in general. Which means I probably have to tell him this really minor and embarrassing thing.

Last edited by Salmon77; Jan 29, 2021 at 01:16 PM..
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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 02:00 PM
  #758
Dear T,
I appreciate the happy birthday. Not gonna lie that I intentionally mentioned my birthday again at the end to see if you'd take the bait. I feel like you didn't say it in previous years, no matter how often I mentioned it. So it was nice. And you remembered what age I'm going to be (though maybe you're doing like I do with people and think of them in relation to my own age).

Also, it meant a lot what you said regarding trauma and not comparing what I experienced as being less compared to other people's. The thing you said about comparable distress now, no matter what happened in the past, to consider that--it really struck me. And the way you said you were sick of me doing that--I know some people could take that the wrong way, but I know it was you showing care and validation. So, thanks.

And now I understand the hope thing, why you didn't want me to feel too much hope about the schools. Again, that feels like care.

Love you,
LT
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Mountaindewed
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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 02:07 PM
  #759
I can’t tell if I’m trying to push your buttons regarding my risk taking, or if I’m crying out for help.

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Default Jan 29, 2021 at 02:44 PM
  #760
Dear T,
Also, this is completely random, but were you wearing the same shirt for all three sessions this week? Or do you just have 3 very similar black shirts?
Love,
LT
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