Dear T: I really need to tell you something XLV

Lemoncake · Oct 23, 2020 at 11:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susannahsays

Your therapist sounds like the biggest jerk. Some of the stuff he's said seems perfectly calculated to hit you where it would hurt most. He's unnecessarily cruel and I think he's harming you in a way that just exacerbates the issues you are seeking help with. You don't deserve his casual cruelty.

I've got one more session to go next week as I paid for this month in advance then I will stop therapy for a bit but I have an upcoming exam soon.

Maybe it's just me and I need to learn to stand on my own feet..I love him. I know it sounds stupid but I'm scared of changing.

chihirochild · Oct 23, 2020 at 11:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

Thank you C and Art.

He said he didn't think it would ultimately help me. That I wanted my needs met, but he wasn't an alternative mother. I wanted caring and safety, but he couldn't give me a blanket or wipe my nose.

Oof. Just... oof.

ArtieTheSequal · Oct 23, 2020 at 11:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

I've got one more session to go next week as I paid for this month in advance then I will stop therapy for a bit but I have an upcoming exam soon.

Maybe it's just me and I need to learn to stand on my own feet..I love him. I know it sounds stupid but I'm scared of changing.

It doesn't sound stupid at all, being scared of changing.

I don't know if if helps any but I am scared of changing, too. Scared of changing myself to become the person that I know is inside of me, and scared of changing t's both.

it's a really weird thing but I think that familiarity is more comfortable (even when it HURTS) than the unknown.

Lemoncake · Oct 23, 2020 at 01:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

It doesn't sound stupid at all, being scared of changing.

I don't know if if helps any but I am scared of changing, too. Scared of changing myself to become the person that I know is inside of me, and scared of changing t's both.

it's a really weird thing but I think that familiarity is more comfortable (even when it HURTS) than the unknown.

Some of what he said actually made sense to me though and I wasn't upset and I did feel better after session. I know I am too dependent on him and he's trying to cut back on that and I need to find ways to try to fill my own emotional needs rather than relying on others to fill that gap for me. I know I can be highly manipulative and maybe a T giving me full control is what I want but not what I really need. I want more gentleness, hand holding and I want full control at the same time.

It used to make me sad thinking about the person I could have been if x or Y had not happened but the fact is that it did happen and the me I am is the only version of me.

I hope you can reach the point where you feel like your true self .

susannahsays · Oct 23, 2020 at 05:48 PM

I want attention and I want it now. I feel like an infant.

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 24, 2020 at 04:15 PM

Hi R,

I attended an online performance poetry workshop this morning. Ended up writing a poem about or addressed to 15-year-old me. I'm not sure whether I want to knock it into shape and bring it to session on Thursday, or whether that's Avoidance (capital A avoidance.)

It was a process, for sure.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 25, 2020 at 01:38 PM

Dear T,
I had this thought while I was rearranging/cleaning the living room today: "I need to make a mess first in order to fix it." And then it occurred to me that maybe that might apply to therapy, too? Not just in terms of figuring out stuff in my life, but maybe our therapeutic relationship as well? Maybe I'm too afraid of making a mess, though I think I took some steps toward doing that with some of what I shared Friday. Maybe I need to not be afraid to rearrange the furniture, so to speak. Even if it requires throwing a bunch of stuff in the middle of the room to do it.

Love,
LT

Lemoncake · Oct 25, 2020 at 03:57 PM

Possible trigger:

I've been thinking about X the pharmacist a lot recently. You might think it's weird that I think of him as a friend even though he was 20 years older and technically my boss, but I get attached to everyone. If I'm being honest I didn't like him when I first met him, but it was all the little things that add up for me. They'd order pizza for lunch and give me some too. He'd always check up on me. Never got cross either and he'd drive me home after work at night and never took petrol money when I offered. Never told him that I loved him and I don't have any recordings of his voice and I'm scared I'll forget.

During our last meeting he handed me the effing tissues when I cried.

Just thinking how does acting like my parents in a way (not meeting my needs) help me? The voice in my head tells me its because I don't deserve it.

Are the others right about you and I just don't wan to see it?

I also have a feeling that you won't remember to email me to reschedule because of my physical exam.

Also two weeks to my exam from tomorrow.

OMEARA Red Curtain Sessions | Orla Gartland - Why Am I Like This - YouTube

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 25, 2020 at 04:17 PM

Bruce Springsteen helps somehow...

Music gives me space to be royally pissed off.

I haven't been able to write those songs yet, but I am grateful that other people have.

Something like this.

nottrustin · Oct 25, 2020 at 05:36 PM

Thank you for the sign yesterday that you are still by my side. It is hard not seeing you and talking to you. However, knowing you are still "there" really does help me keep going.

stopdog · Oct 25, 2020 at 07:48 PM

God you are a waste of space

Lemoncake · Oct 26, 2020 at 08:10 AM

Possible trigger:

I was supposed to also have a practical exam this friday, before my main one but as we're in the pulmonology department for our final teaching week they're too busy dealing with covid patients. but he said we could do a presentation of a patient case study instead which I'm secretly happy about.

I've already asked you for an alternative session though, so I'm not going to ask to change back to my normal friday.

SlumberKitty · Oct 26, 2020 at 11:30 AM

I'm a little annoyed you didn't respond to my text.

SlumberKitty · Oct 26, 2020 at 11:31 AM

Former T: I'm over the moon that you responded to my text. You're lovely. I still love you.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 26, 2020 at 01:30 PM

Dear T,
I'm glad you want to fully work through this...whatever it is with our relationship. It makes me feel like you really value me as a client. (Not in any way more than you value any other client, but still.) We've invested 3 years in this. This stuff may not be in your wheelhouse, but it seems like you really want to help me figure it out. You're trying to understand, even if we're not always speaking the same language. It means a lot. I also appreciate your little reassurance at the end.

Love,
LT

susannahsays · Oct 26, 2020 at 01:32 PM

I feel anxious and tired.

velcro003 · Oct 26, 2020 at 09:26 PM

Hi T. I know I shouldn't worry that you didn't reply to my email. It was titled "rambling thoughts" for a reason. You are not mad at me. Right?

susannahsays · Oct 26, 2020 at 09:53 PM

You don't care about me!

Quietmind 2 · Oct 26, 2020 at 10:24 PM

12 days and no reply from you.

Mountaindewed · Oct 27, 2020 at 12:22 AM

Sometimes I feel like you tell me things because you think I won’t understand and you know I typically don’t ask questions. Some things shouldn’t be said though.

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susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Oct 23, 2020 at 05:48 PM #165 I want attention and I want it now. I feel like an infant. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold
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nottrustin Grand Magnate Member Since Jan 2014 Location: n/a Posts: 4,819 10 375 hugs given	Oct 25, 2020 at 05:36 PM #170 Thank you for the sign yesterday that you are still by my side. It is hard not seeing you and talking to you. However, knowing you are still "there" really does help me keep going. __________________
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stopdog underdog is here Member Since Sep 2011 Location: blank Posts: 34,731 (SuperPoster!) 12 1 hugs given	Oct 25, 2020 at 07:48 PM #171 God you are a waste of space __________________ Please NO @ Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Oct 26, 2020 at 11:30 AM #173 I'm a little annoyed you didn't respond to my text. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Oct 26, 2020 at 11:31 AM #174 Former T: I'm over the moon that you responded to my text. You're lovely. I still love you. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Oct 26, 2020 at 01:32 PM #176 I feel anxious and tired. __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold
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velcro003 Elder Member Since Oct 2008 Posts: 7,361 15 25 hugs given	Oct 26, 2020 at 09:26 PM #177 Hi T. I know I shouldn't worry that you didn't reply to my email. It was titled "rambling thoughts" for a reason. You are not mad at me. Right?
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susannahsays Grand Magnate Member Since Jun 2018 Location: Somewhere Posts: 3,355 5 1 hugs given	Oct 26, 2020 at 09:53 PM #178 You don't care about me! __________________ Life is hard. Then you die. Then they throw dirt in your face. -David Gerrold
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Quietmind 2 Poohbah Member Since Jan 2020 Location: Somewhere I'm working to leave Posts: 1,243 4 8 hugs given	Oct 26, 2020 at 10:24 PM #179 12 days and no reply from you.
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Mountaindewed Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jun 2016 Location: Where the sidewalk ends Posts: 36,215 (SuperPoster!) 7 8,769 hugs given	Oct 27, 2020 at 12:22 AM #180 Sometimes I feel like you tell me things because you think I won’t understand and you know I typically don’t ask questions. Some things shouldn’t be said though. __________________ Ridin' with Biden
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