Couch 220: Second To None!

Daffydungle · 02:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArtieTheSequal

I am not quite sure how this happened but my son is going to turn 22 on Monday. It's like where did all of those years go?!

Honestly sex education back in the day....

Daffydungle · Oct 30, 2020 at 01:59 AM

Found this website for earrings and pins. I want the "Didnt stab anyone today" rosette pin.
Jubly-Umph | Enamel Pins and T-Shirts to stay weird with.

Daffydungle · Oct 30, 2020 at 04:44 AM

I am on another ptsd site and came across a trigger warning warning of mentions of triggers. It was a warning about the word triggers there was nothing mentioned that would trigger something.

Daffydungle · Oct 30, 2020 at 04:45 AM

Also does anyone else think of the British comedy Only Fools and Horses when they hear the worc trigger?

chihirochild · Oct 30, 2020 at 05:26 AM

Woke up at 4am again and can’t seem to get back to sleep. I have session at 7; maybe I can take a nap after that.

I think my NaNoWriMo novel might end up being based on the folks in my therapy group—sort of a close-to-real-life fiction.

chihirochild · Oct 30, 2020 at 06:55 AM

Session was wrenching and disappointing. I wish he would respond more directly to my affect instead of getting all excited by the cognitive aspect of things.

In other news, it's snowing here.

chihirochild · Oct 30, 2020 at 07:57 AM

Also I don’t understand why, when I get up my courage and push down the panic and share fantasies that he would hold me, he reminds me yet again that physical touch will never happen between us. I effing *know* that. Why does he have to say it every effing time we talk about this?

LonesomeTonight · Oct 30, 2020 at 08:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

Also I don’t understand why, when I get up my courage and push down the panic and share fantasies that he would hold me, he reminds me yet again that physical touch will never happen between us. I effing *know* that. Why does he have to say it every effing time we talk about this?

Ugh, that sucks...I'm guessing he feels uncomfortable with talking about it? I tend to preface anything I say about physical attraction or fantasies with something like, "I know this could never actually happen..." or if I'm using hugs with ex-T as an example of something, "I know you don't hug, this isn't about you hugging, but..." Like I'm trying to head off all that stuff. Though Dr. T also knows how poorly I'd probably react to him saying something like what your T did.

I assume you've done this, but have you told your T (recently) that it bothers you that he says these things? That you know that they can't be reality, but you need to talk about them anyway? And his reminding you just makes you feel worse? (and likely more reluctant to share them)

chihirochild · Oct 30, 2020 at 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Ugh, that sucks...I'm guessing he feels uncomfortable with talking about it? I tend to preface anything I say about physical attraction or fantasies with something like, "I know this could never actually happen..." or if I'm using hugs with ex-T as an example of something, "I know you don't hug, this isn't about you hugging, but..." Like I'm trying to head off all that stuff. Though Dr. T also knows how poorly I'd probably react to him saying something like what your T did.

I assume you've done this, but have you told your T (recently) that it bothers you that he says these things? That you know that they can't be reality, but you need to talk about them anyway? And his reminding you just makes you feel worse? (and likely more reluctant to share them)

I don’t preface my discussions that way because I believe I should be able to share what I think and feel without qualification or preface. This is therapy for crying out loud, I should not be reassuring myself or my T, distracting from or downplaying the intense emotions at play. And the fantasy *is* about him specifically holding me, even though i do know that is not within the therapeutic frame as he sees it. He tries to act like he isn’t uncomfortable talking about it but the fact that he reminds me that the fantasy is not realizable makes me think that he is in fact uncomfortable.

I don’t think I’ve told him that these reminders upset me, but I will do that next time he and I talk.

I just feel like he ought to know better, ought to be better attuned without me having to say this kind of thing. It makes me angry and resentful.

ElectricManatee · Oct 30, 2020 at 08:27 AM

It seems like it's a more cognitive/intellectualizing style of therapy mixed with the therapist's uncontrolled anxiety about being perceived as doing things that are inappropriate.

I have talked to my therapist a ton about touch and dreams about touching her and what certain kinds of touch would mean or feel like. But then she does also hug me occasionally (in the before times), so clearly she has different boundaries/comfort levels in general.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 30, 2020 at 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chihirochild

I don’t preface my discussions that way because I believe I should be able to share what I think and feel without qualification or preface. This is therapy for crying out loud, I should not be reassuring myself or my T, distracting from or downplaying the intense emotions at play. And the fantasy *is* about him specifically holding me, even though i do know that is not within the therapeutic frame as he sees it. He tries to act like he isn’t uncomfortable talking about it but the fact that he reminds me that the fantasy is not realizable makes me think that he is in fact uncomfortable.

I don’t think I’ve told him that these reminders upset me, but I will do that next time he and I talk.

I just feel like he ought to know better, ought to be better attuned without me having to say this kind of thing. It makes me angry and resentful.

Oh, I agree that you shouldn't have to preface it with that. And you should be free to express your feelings and emotions. He should be better attuned.

In terms of reassuring/taking care of him, I find myself doing that often. Just the other day, I was talking about going out to dinner (outdoors) with my parents and leaving some extra cash on the table because they tend to tip poorly. I told Dr. T the amount of the bill and what they tipped (about 18%). He said to me, sounding a bit incredulous, "What do you normally tip, like 25%?" I said close to that if we're regulars, plus tipping more during the pandemic.

Dr. T said, "Are you concerned you're suggesting I'm a bad tipper and don't want to make me feel bad?" Me: "Yeah, ...I guess I am, aren't I..." Dr. T: "You don't have to worry about that." Me: "OK."

LostOnTheTrail · Oct 30, 2020 at 09:53 AM

Can emotional exhaustion affect a person to the bone? Sure feels like it.

ElectricManatee · Oct 30, 2020 at 09:58 AM

Oh lord, having flashbacks to dining with my (typically lovely) in-laws who are 10% tippers and remembering all the machinations my wife and I employed to casually hide extra cash on the table. Sometimes I'm kinda glad they moved across the country...

LonesomeTonight · Oct 30, 2020 at 10:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

Oh lord, having flashbacks to dining with my (typically lovely) in-laws who are 10% tippers and all the machinations my wife and I employed to casually hide extra cash on the table. Sometimes I'm kinda glad they moved across the country...

Ah, so you've done that, too? And 10% is really bad! Sometimes my H would be like, "Oh, I think I left something at the table," then run back and add cash, or else hand it directly to the waitress. I don't care as much if it's a place we don't normally go to, but if it's a place we go regularly...

ETA: Of course, now I'm wondering how much Dr. T typically tips...he's said he rarely drinks (and I think same for his wife), so his tabs are probably relatively low anyway.

KBMK · Oct 30, 2020 at 10:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Can emotional exhaustion affect a person to the bone? Sure feels like it.

Why not? I recently told someone I have v limited emotional availablity other than for nearest and dearest. I don't have much in my cup, but got to spend some time today with lovely people that fill it up. Sending support your way. Might sound silly, but try giving your knees a rub. They can easily go weak when your not getting the support you need

ScarletPimpernel · Oct 30, 2020 at 10:26 AM

When H and I went out, we'd usually tip 20%. If service sucked 10%-15%. If we knew the place 25%. One time at Christmas, we had a gift card for $50. We had an excellent waitress, so we left her the $50 tip. When she realized it, she was so giddy and thanked us a ton. Another time at Christmas, the waiter happened to be someone we knew, so we left him a 100% tip. Something we also like to do which freaks waiter out at first, is we request to speak with the manager. We then tell them how great our service was and suggest the waiter get a bonus of some sort. We try to praise people for a job well done because, we feel, there's too much negativity in the world and we want to help out those who treat us well.

ElectricManatee · Oct 30, 2020 at 10:27 AM

My favorite was untying my shoe under the table and then staying behind to re-tie it when they all got up, although that can only be used occasionally without garnering suspicion.

I would be okay with 18%, even though I usually tip 20% or a bit over. But that was pre-pandemic, so I don't think I even remember how to sit at a table in public with shoes on anymore, much less tip.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 30, 2020 at 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

When H and I went out, we'd usually tip 20%. If service sucked 10%-15%. If we knew the place 25%. One time at Christmas, we had a gift card for $50. We had an excellent waitress, so we left her the $50 tip. When she realized it, she was so giddy and thanked us a ton. Another time at Christmas, the waiter happened to be someone we knew, so we left him a 100% tip. Something we also like to do which freaks waiter out at first, is we request to speak with the manager. We then tell them how great our service was and suggest the waiter get a bonus of some sort. We try to praise people for a job well done because, we feel, there's too much negativity in the world and we want to help out those who treat us well.

You sound very generous! And it's nice to speak to the manager to tell them something positive. Generally, people only do that if something's bad, so I can understand the employee worrying. But more people need to share positive feedback.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 30, 2020 at 11:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ElectricManatee

My favorite was untying my shoe under the table and then staying behind to re-tie it when they all got up, although that can only be used occasionally without garnering suspicion.

I would be okay with 18%, even though I usually tip 20% or a bit over. But that was pre-pandemic, so I don't think I even remember how to sit at a table in public with shoes on anymore, much less tip.

I like the shoe-tying one! And 18% isn't too bad, I think it just struck me that he left $18 on $99, when, just do a round $20. Hm...it just occurred to me that maybe he's tipping on the pre-tax total? We have 6% tax, so...that's way too much for me to calculate right now. But maybe he was leaving 20% of that? We just threw in an extra $9, because it's what H had in cash on him.

And to be perfectly honest, not all of our tipping is entirely benevolent--pre-COVID, a couple of the taprooms would give us freebies at times. And we often tended to get particularly good/attentive service at restaurants where we're regulars and they know we tip well.

Lemoncake · Oct 30, 2020 at 11:33 AM

If I'm being honest the most I've ever tipped someone would be around £6 back in 2014.

I did watch a documentary semi recently where one woman in America was earning just at times less than $3 an hour and was reliant on the tips, so I think it's really nice you do leave generous tips.

(The documentary was on youtube called Hard Earned - The American Dream)

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Daffydungle Poohbah Member Since Apr 2020 Location: Nowhere Posts: 1,257 4 451 hugs given	Oct 30, 2020 at 01:59 AM #862 Found this website for earrings and pins. I want the "Didnt stab anyone today" rosette pin. Jubly-Umph \| Enamel Pins and T-Shirts to stay weird with.

Daffydungle Poohbah Member Since Apr 2020 Location: Nowhere Posts: 1,257 4 451 hugs given	Oct 30, 2020 at 04:44 AM #863 I am on another ptsd site and came across a trigger warning warning of mentions of triggers. It was a warning about the word triggers there was nothing mentioned that would trigger something.

Daffydungle Poohbah Member Since Apr 2020 Location: Nowhere Posts: 1,257 4 451 hugs given	Oct 30, 2020 at 04:45 AM #864 Also does anyone else think of the British comedy Only Fools and Horses when they hear the worc trigger?

chihirochild Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: North America Posts: 2,360 7 4,865 hugs given	Oct 30, 2020 at 05:26 AM #865 Woke up at 4am again and can’t seem to get back to sleep. I have session at 7; maybe I can take a nap after that. I think my NaNoWriMo novel might end up being based on the folks in my therapy group—sort of a close-to-real-life fiction.

chihirochild Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: North America Posts: 2,360 7 4,865 hugs given	Oct 30, 2020 at 06:55 AM #866 Session was wrenching and disappointing. I wish he would respond more directly to my affect instead of getting all excited by the cognitive aspect of things. In other news, it's snowing here.

chihirochild Magnate Member Since Feb 2017 Location: North America Posts: 2,360 7 4,865 hugs given	Oct 30, 2020 at 07:57 AM #867 Also I don’t understand why, when I get up my courage and push down the panic and share fantasies that he would hold me, he reminds me yet again that physical touch will never happen between us. I effing know that. Why does he have to say it every effing time we talk about this?

ElectricManatee Magnate Member Since May 2017 Location: Earth Posts: 2,515 6 4,704 hugs given	Oct 30, 2020 at 09:58 AM #873 Oh lord, having flashbacks to dining with my (typically lovely) in-laws who are 10% tippers and remembering all the machinations my wife and I employed to casually hide extra cash on the table. Sometimes I'm kinda glad they moved across the country...