When Your Therapist Refuses to answer a question....

GingerBee · Oct 12, 2020 at 06:15 AM

My therapist does not disclose a lot, which is part of his modality. Because I know this, I pretty much never ask him ANYTHING AT ALL to be on the safe side because I find it humiliating to have to have justify asking even the most innocuous question.

We were having quite an intense session last week and I finally felt comfortable in the moment to ask him something along the lines of why he became a therapist (and this is after YEARS of seeing him) and he became very uncomfortable and said he could not answer.

Obviously, intellectually, I understand all the reasons why he can’t/won’t answer, but as time goes on, the shame has become immense and I just feel like I can never see him again, as if pushing someone else’s boundaries, even accidentally makes me just the worst most stupid person alive (which I know is quite dramatic).

I am sure I will still be able to drag myself to session later this week, but I just wanted to hear if anyone else had experienced something similar and worked it through.

Lostislost · Oct 12, 2020 at 07:41 AM

Yes! My T would never answer things I asked about him. He would say.. 'I answer some personal questions from clients, but I'm curious why you want to know.....' etc.

This made me never ask him anything. We followed each other on social media and I felt like he put more of his personal self there than in our sessions. Then one day he deleted his account, and I went crazy saying how it had been the only way I knew anything personal about him, how could he delete it!

Then he told me, I could ask him anything and connect in therapy sessions. I told him I couldn't, as he'd always refused to answer my questions before. He seemed surprised, like he'd forgotten I used to ask questions at the beginning. Now he's much more open.

Rive. · Oct 12, 2020 at 11:10 AM

Sorry but these types of questions 'why did you become a therapist' are pretty common and pretty tame. And relevant to the therapeutic work. Personally, I would be wary of a therapist who would refuse to answer this...

It's not like you asked him a personal / private life question, which I *would* understand if he refused to answer.

If after YEARS of seeing him he won't answer such a tame question, the shame ought to be on him (for making you feel this way).

SlumberKitty · Oct 12, 2020 at 11:13 AM

I agree with what Rive. said.

LonesomeTonight · Oct 12, 2020 at 11:17 AM

I agree that this is a common and pretty low-stakes question. However, I don't think my T has ever actually answered it (he's also not big on self-disclosure, but has become more open since the pandemic). Maybe it's a case where the T has their own mental health issues that they don't want to disclose? Or that a parent or sibling does/did? If it's just "I like helping people," or "my friends have always said I'm a good listener and very understanding," then I'd think they'd be open to sharing.

To answer your question, I have had similar issues with my T not responding to what I thought were fairly basic questions, and we worked through it, generally by talking about it, or else my deciding it wasn't important enough to make a big thing out of it. It should be OK for you to ask anything--the T just has the option to not answer. I'd try talking about it with your T, difficult though it may seem.

Rive. · Oct 12, 2020 at 11:29 AM

PS: Even if, say, he or someone close to him suffered from mental health issues and he didn't want to disclose that, he could always say something like "It personally touches me" or something to that effect.

There is no need to shut a client down and make them feel shame.

*Beth* · Oct 12, 2020 at 12:43 PM

You have every right as a self-caring client to inquire as to why your therapist chose his occupation. That question is right up there with "What is your education?" and "How long have you been in practice?"

That he cannot answer your question is unprofessional.

GingerBee · Oct 13, 2020 at 08:15 AM

Thanks everyone. I do feel a lot less like I was horrifically inappropriate now.
What has made it harder was that he usually acknowledges any email I send, but the one I sent two days after the cr*ppy session of shame has gone unacknowledged which adds to the panic that I have done something terrible.

I am starting to lose hope that I can live a life less full of shame for just existing or wanting anything from anyone.

Brown Owl 2 · 03:55 PM

Hi Ginger, I’ve had a very similar experience to you, I asked a T a question, she declined to answer and I felt monumental shame after. There’s something about the powerlessness of the moment and the ‘doing something wrong’, that for me seemed to trigger some ancient and painful feelings of shame. I managed to go back the following week and tell her. In response she quickly said that the question that I’d asked was a great question. I think I felt too much emotion to really say anything else. I ultimately stopped seeing her. What I would have liked her to say is:

‘I’m so sorry that I didn’t answer your question last week and I now see that my not answering triggered some very painful feelings in you, I’m sorry about that, I made a mistake, and I would like to make amends. Would it help if I answer the question now, I’d like to? I’d also suggest that we take time to understand these feelings of shame, when therapy triggers painful feelings, it’s usually possible to make this useful....

TeaVicar? · Oct 13, 2020 at 05:32 PM

Yes, mine is like this too, you have my sympathies. I've been seeing him for over 10 years and find it incredibly painful that if I ask him a question about himself, he won't answer it. This way of working has impeded connection and trust within our relationship. I coped by excessively and sometimes obsessively googling him for more information. I wouldn't recommend my coping strategy

If you can talk to him about how you feel and try to explain, that might help. I wonder if he would give you an explanation as to why he won't answer?

You might need to decide whether it's important enough to you, to find a new therapist who works in a different way.

Flinders40 · Oct 18, 2020 at 01:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GingerBee

My therapist does not disclose a lot, which is part of his modality. Because I know this, I pretty much never ask him ANYTHING AT ALL to be on the safe side because I find it humiliating to have to have justify asking even the most innocuous question.

We were having quite an intense session last week and I finally felt comfortable in the moment to ask him something along the lines of why he became a therapist (and this is after YEARS of seeing him) and he became very uncomfortable and said he could not answer.

Obviously, intellectually, I understand all the reasons why he can’t/won’t answer, but as time goes on, the shame has become immense and I just feel like I can never see him again, as if pushing someone else’s boundaries, even accidentally makes me just the worst most stupid person alive (which I know is quite dramatic).

I am sure I will still be able to drag myself to session later this week, but I just wanted to hear if anyone else had experienced something similar and worked it through.

Asking your therapist why they chose their line of work is absolutely acceptable. They work for YOU.
It’s the equivalent of a prospective employer asking you “what makes you right for this position?” If you don’t answer your chances of getting hired are pretty slim. I hold a therapist (or any other professional that I hire) to the same standard.

mugwort2 · Oct 18, 2020 at 09:29 PM

I agree with you too Rive. It could be a very important question. The reason any therapist became one may reveal how he or she feels about doing therapy. ie much more than the initial reason. I would be suspect but that's me.

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SlumberKitty Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Jul 2018 Location: CA Posts: 27,329 (SuperPoster!) 5 117.7k hugs given	Oct 12, 2020 at 11:13 AM #4 I agree with what Rive. said. __________________ Dum Spiro Spero IC XC NIKA
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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,011 10	Oct 12, 2020 at 11:29 AM #6 PS: Even if, say, he or someone close to him suffered from mental health issues and he didn't want to disclose that, he could always say something like "It personally touches me" or something to that effect. There is no need to shut a client down and make them feel shame.
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Beth catches the flowers Member Since Jul 2019 Location: Downtown Vibes, California Posts: 15,701 (SuperPoster!) 4 23.7k hugs given	Oct 12, 2020 at 12:43 PM #7 You have every right as a self-caring client to inquire as to why your therapist chose his occupation. That question is right up there with "What is your education?" and "How long have you been in practice?" That he cannot answer your question is unprofessional. __________________
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mugwort2 Poohbah Member Since Aug 2015 Location: Philadelphia PA. Posts: 1,291 8 28 hugs given	Oct 18, 2020 at 09:29 PM #12 I agree with you too Rive. It could be a very important question. The reason any therapist became one may reveal how he or she feels about doing therapy. ie much more than the initial reason. I would be suspect but that's me.
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