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Merope
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 03:08 AM
  #1
I’ve been seeing T in his office for close to four years now. His office was located in a really nice area that, over time, I came to associate with him. It was a sort of ritual, going to this place a while before my session, walking around, sitting in the same coffee shop etc. Even the bus stop I got off at was comforting. Maybe this is a bit ridiculous, but not really having grown up with a “safe space” this was a big deal to me.

Then covid came and we switched to video therapy. I was fine with it to begin with because I thought it was temporary and a bit interesting. But then weeks turned into months and the first wave turned into the second wave...and now I hate video therapy because it feels long term (my angst convinces me it’s permanent). I know things will go back to normal with T (face to face) but I don’t know when that will be and it’s hard to be hopeful that I’ll see him properly anytime soon.

But then he also told me that he’s not planning on returning to the office I’ve been seeing him at. Safe space gone overnight, just like that. I have a horrible feeling in my stomach every time I think of that place, that cafe, that walk. I can’t stand it, it makes me want to scream. It wakes me up at night, I get panicky feelings and I can’t even look at old photos of it. I feel like I’ve lost it without even knowing it was being taken away from me. I can’t recreate that feeling of safety in my house, so I feel like I’m struggling to hold on to T.

I don’t mind seeing him at the other office (I’ve been there a few times so at least it’s familiar). I know that I’ll be able to recreate that feeling of safety there and that I’ll grow to love it. But because I don’t know when that will happen, it feels like that feeling of having a safe space is “floating” away from me, like it’s out of my reach somehow. I feel like I’m in the middle of the ocean with nothing to hold on to. I know that therapy is supposed to teach you how to find that safe space within yourself and hold on to it, but m not there yet. This video therapy disruption set me back in that respect.

It feels like I’ve lost something dear to me in a very blindsided way and I’m grieving which makes this angst a million times worse. I keep trying to remind myself that I’d rather lose that physical space than T, that I’ll be able to have that feeling of safety again when we resume face to face in this other office. That it will be okay in the end. I just don’t know how to hold on to this “it will be ok in the end” feeling. Sometimes it feels like I don’t know how to hold on to myself anymore.
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 03:38 AM
  #2
It’s ok to grieve what you have lost. I don’t think it sounds silly or anything.

I have a similar feeling about a place that I used to go before Covid. I was wondering if it might not be just the place I am grieving for, but how everything used to be? I feel like I lost the world that I struggled so hard to be in, with no warning and no alternative plan. We are still in the transitional phase too with no idea how things are going to turn out, and it certainly doesn’t look like anything will be as it was before.

I don’t even feel like the same person as I did at the start of 2020....I don’t know who I am now. I hope you get your safe space wherever it may be, we all need somewhere like that!
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 04:27 AM
  #3
I hear you, Merope. It's been 7 months since I've been to my T's office. In the beginning I thought 2 months MAX.

Lately it's becoming harder and harder to do teletherapy.

For example, I've been putting my laundry in to wash before the session, then going to put the laundry into the dryer as soon as the session ends. I'm tempted to do chores, in other words. Then the session almost feels like an interruption

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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 05:12 AM
  #4
It's understandable that you feel this way. You always thought the video sessions would be temporary and you'd return to T's office so you're grieving for the loss of the space that you know you won't have again It's incredibly painful to cope with any sort of sudden loss, whether it's a person, object, or anything else, because of what they represent. As you say, in time you'd be able to recreate the same feeling of safety in the other office but in the meantime it's painful not knowing when this horrible pandemic will end and there will be a safe space with T. It's not easy to hold onto safety within yourself especially with how things are in the moment. It sounds like you're managing this as best you can by reminding yourself that you have the sessions with T, albeit by video, and things WILL be okay. But it's also okay to feel the loss of the office and the safety that represented. I know it's so hard to let go of these things.
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 06:59 AM
  #5
I totally understand. At the outset of the pandemic my therapist switched our sessions to Zoom for a few months then in June we met in Central Park. It was amazing. We would take walks, sit on park benches and one day sat on a blanket in the grass. In August she told me she was moving to Southern California (I’m in Manhattan). Now we are back to Zoom - this time permanently. It’s crushing.
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 08:28 AM
  #6
Space and objects matter to me a great deal. My T has moved a few times in the 5 yrs I've been seeing her. It has been hard for every one of them except one.

It is totally understandable that this is throwing you. It's hard to lose something and in this year of so much loss of "normalcy", to lose one's safe spot is a big blow and without you being able to say good bye. If he has not moved yet, could you ask him if you could do a quick drop by of the space or even maybe a longer one. One thing I did when my T was moving from the clinic to private practice was walk with her through the entire arrival and leaving ritual/routine I had. It felt good to share that with her, maybe it was sharing with her the importance of therapy in my live and not just the hour with her that was meaningful so that perhaps she'd have a better understanding of loss I was feeling. I'm not sure.

If he is not open to seeing you in person but has yet to move out, perhaps he could take a video or pictures of his office. I know right now it is painful. I have taken pictures of T's old offices or objects in them. They brought me comfort at the time. I even fantasized about putting one of the pictures in a frame and hanging it in her new office.

If he has already moved, can he share a video/pictures of the new space so that you can start to think about and visualize that space rather than sitting in another spot of uncertainty.

You will be able to create a new routine in the new space when you are able to see him in person again. It won't be the same and it might never have that same exact feeling of safety. In the many moves I've done with T, there have been some goods and bads. One of the goods is having her there to create that bubble that helps shut out the rest of the world and make it be our time and a safe time/space. I hope you'll be able to find that peace with the new office and location.
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Default Oct 13, 2020 at 11:02 AM
  #7
I totally understand the grief you are feeling. The space is important to me as well.

My long term T changed locations twice. The first time she sent from having a rented location to adding a second location with a home office. I switched to her home office. She was there for a couple of years before selling her home. So we went back to the rented building in a different office. It wa ar relly hard transition especially since I knew she was moving 2 hours away and feared she would retire quickly there after.

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Default Oct 14, 2020 at 03:52 PM
  #8
I totally understand the grief you feel, having that safe space and then it's gone. I had a very safe space when I stared therapy with a pastoral counsellor, we transitioned from the church office to her home. For years that became a safe place until she terminated me. It was nice to walk around where she lived before the session and afterwards. The town that she lived in I totally fell in love with. Small town feel. It took along time to let go of what was safe and no longer there. I often miss that with my current t's office. It took some getting used to. My therapist i have now has really helped me feel safe again in her office. Hugs
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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 06:29 AM
  #9
Thank you all. Sadly T won’t go back there anytime soon, and even if he did, I doubt he’s be ok with me asking for a photo. I’d love to be able to just ask him, but I’m not there yet with the whole “being able to talk about anything” thing. Maybe one day.

I think it’s just a case of accepting that I’m going to have to wait. It will happen at some point, I will be in the same room as him again, but it’s unclear as to when that will happen. I have to learn to live with that and accept that I won’t feel safe for a while and that I’m going to survive this and come out on the other side and work on all the trauma that this covid thing has triggered. Sorry for being so negative, I just feel so on edge all the time. I don’t know how to get through the days anymore.
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Default Oct 15, 2020 at 08:28 AM
  #10
In the (long) time that I have been seeing her, my T has had 3 different offices, before Covid. In addition, in the office she was in the longest, she changed the furniture around and/or bought new furniture a few times. Now we are "seeing" each other online, she in her home office, me in my dining room "office." Of course I would rather be seeing her in her actual office, but getting to see her home office has some advantages. I can see that her paperwork is as messy as mine, and that is a comfort. I know that, someplace in her house, is a poem I wrote, had framed, and gave to her; the other one is in her work office. I also know that my book is someplace in her house. So a part of me is in her home with her, and that's also a comfort.
That said, I understand, Merope, the difficulties involved for you each time your T changes offices. Try to create a new ritual for the "online" space, one that makes you feel calm and safe. If you pray, say a prayer. Have a cup of coffee or some other drink that you like. Do something just for yourself. Good luck.

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