[puzzclar]

T may be on vacation. But I don't know what to do.

Possible trigger:

I don't want to commit sui but I'm done living like I am. I want out!!!!!! I didn't take any meds this morning. I did go to the gym to help clear my head, but it didn't work!

I have been working on furthering my education, but ran into a road block. My professors and supporting people don't believe I can make it through the program. I have two options that they gave me. Change programs or try and continue the current one with one assignment and only one attempt. I don't feel confident in only one try. Especially because I feel like my past is being used against me. I'm scared, no terrified!

I've been on meds for 15 years and with more challenges then the meds are worth. I don't want to do them. I didn't take them this morning. And I don't want to take a prn either.

And then I notice my nose starts to drip.

what's next?

[Lostislost]

I'm sorry you are going through all this at the moment, it sounds really hard and painful to deal with.

I don't know what's next, but I think you should stick around to find out...there will be better times and I know you can get through this. Don't listen to others when they tell you you can't finish the program, what do they know! They don't know what it's like to be you..do what you feel is right in your heart...there will always be a next step to take, if you stay alive. Please stay with us, it will get better I know it will.

[puzzclar]

I did call, but he is on vacation. And when he has a chance , I'll hear from him.

I have 3 weeks and 4 days left in this term. I can't get out until the course is over. I'm stuck, and trapped in a situation I hate. Everything that I'm going through is bringing up old traumas. I'm overly triggered, overwhelmed and needing something to get me through. But what?! I left a voicemail but I'm terrified of what I'll say when he does call. I'm terrified of any actions that I take today.

I did go to the gym and ran for almost two minutes, but it wasn't enough. I need distance from these issues Right now. But I don't know how to, that would help enough and not cause more issues.

A part of me says this isn't a crisis, and that calling the after hours number or a crisis line isn't appropriate. But maybe it is. I don't know.

[jirafe]

Why do You want to punish Yourself for the others' behaviour ? Give Yourself a chance.
"When we listen to fear, that expectation changes our reality. When we say that we will be able to do the job, we are more able to focus on how to do a good job."
You are still the same person who wrote the above. You are asking us for help. It means there is the light of life inside You.
Do the pills work for You ? Yes. Then take them. Not sure ? Crisis is not a good time to put Yourself to such a test.
Want to make a call ? Take care about Yourself and think what You need not what is appropriate ? Call anybody or any crisis line You think might help. If Your T calls back tell him what You have written to us. Try with small steps. Stay with us a hour, a day longer

[Lostislost]

I think it definitely counts as a crisis with strong feelings like these. You deserve access to the help that is available, although I understand sometimes our brains make us think we aren't worth it. You are worth it.

[puzzclar]

I talked with both t and med provider.

Here's what I came away with.

I've been frozen by fear, anger, regret, and shame.
Going cold turkey on meds my med provider thinks will bring more harm then good.
And there is so much to talk about that there isn't enough time to do so.

My thoughts
It's been 15 years of being frozen in fear. And I'm done being frozen.
I want change!
Meds are making things more complicated then any of them are worth.
I hear what my med provider said but, I know me. She is concerned that it will lead to more harm, but every time I've wanted to cause harm to me, I seek help. Yet that seems like nothing. I know how to keep myself safe. And I don't want others to doubt my abilities.
Those at school are doubting and moving forward with caution. I'm pushing past the doubt and move forward to something even better, a me that I love, and want to be around.

I've hated my life, every stinking day. I'm done hating. I don't want to fight, but I will do what's best for me. I am going to make big changes. I am going to move forward, and not let my past dictate my future. My future is Mine! No one else's!

It feels so good to say all that. I want to learn from anxiety rather than fight, or freeze.

I'm going to sleep just fine without any help. I'll meditate and record my thoughts. I will get through this!!! Even if I have to advocate for every step I take.

I'm done being bullied, and pushed around. And I'm done being the bully to myself.

A challenge was issued by someone I know, to write a letter or a sentence every day saying why I love myself. I need to do this, I need to find compassion and care for myself. And I need it now and forever.

My future is bright, and will be so much better the rest of my adult life.