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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 03:43 PM
  #1
Have you dealt with guilt in therapy? How have you gone about it? Did you find any relief?

L and I are dealing with this topic right now. She sent me this article differentiating between guilt and regret. I have realized that I don't just have guilt, but some of the things are actually regret.
Guilt vs Regret in Grief

I'm scared to go down this path with L. I've never dealt with this. It has caused me a lot of pain and self-loathing. I'm scared. And I don't feel like I can or deserve to be free of this.

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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 04:13 PM
  #2
I have suffered with extreme shame, guilt and regret. From things that have happened to me, situations I have put myself in, things I have or haven’t done in my life. The realisation that ‘I am not the things that have happened to me, I am not the things I have done’ has given me some relief from it. It took me years to even believe that could be true.

I have promised myself that I will no longer choose to do the things that have caused me to feel guilt and regret, so if I do have those feelings now, I know I am not the cause of them and it doesn’t overwhelm me in the same way. It has also eased the guilt of awful things people have done to me, that guilt is not ours to carry. Forgiveness has helped too, for myself and others.

Sorry if this doesn’t make sense, it’s a difficult one to explain as I have been so caught up in it for such a long time.
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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 05:31 PM
  #3
L is trying to teach me that thoughts, feelings, and actions do not define my core-self. It's hard to accept that. I asked H why he's still with me knowing what I have done. He said similar: that I'm a good person and have worked hard to not do the things in my past.

L says she's going to teach me some anxiety reducing skills tomorrow, so as we discuss these anxiety producing topics, I can handle it better. We did some grounding exercises last night and some progressive muscle relaxation. They did help. One day, we're going to go through the words to reduce the anxiety there so we can discuss things more clearly. This is all so scary to me.

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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 06:14 PM
  #4
Something that we discussed in depth at one of the PHPs that I was in was the difference between shame and guilt. Basically, guilt is "I've done something wrong" whereas shame is "I am wrong." In DBT, there's a skill called Check the Facts, so I would want to know if the things that you feel guilt for are things that you should feel guilt for, and if that guilt is productive. The same goes with the regret that you feel. If it's not productive, then let it go; it doesn't serve you.
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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 06:29 PM
  #5
Yes, I agree with the difference between guilt and shame. But there's also regret which is what L is teaching me. Guilt is doing something you know is wrong, and regret is when you do something wrong that you didn't know at the time was wrong or you didn't have all the information.

I'm realizing that most of my adult relationships are regret. But the stuff in my childhood is guilt. I.e. I did bad and I knew it was bad, therefore I think I'm bad. L is trying to show me that I'm not a bad person just because I did bad things. I'm not at a place where I believe that.

L says our first step is learning to deal with the anxiety. Second is understanding why she wants to move towards it, and why I want to move away from it. Third is more prep work. Not exactly sure what that entails. After that, reducing the anxiety of trigger words. Beyond that, I'm not entirely sure...

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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 06:34 PM
  #6
I will say this: I'm pretty good at not living a life of regret. I believe that things happen for a reason: if ex-T didn't leave me, I wouldn't have found T. If T didn't go on maternity leave, I wouldn't have found L. If I wasn't with my H, I wouldn't have been able to afford T and L, and I wouldn't have my dogs. I just feel that there is always a lesson or benefit for things you go through.

But guilt and shame...those are two different things that really make it hard for me to accept myself and not punish myself.

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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 06:45 PM
  #7
I guess I don’t believe in regret. Who’s to say something is “wrong” if you made the decision you did with the information available at the time? I think about the man I dated my senior year of high school. He was horrible, and if I knew what I knew at the end of the relationship I wouldn’t have dated him. Doesn’t mean that I would change the fact that I did. I wasn’t “wrong” for dating him: I just made a naive decision based on limited information.
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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 07:42 PM
  #8
Just curious - what does she say defines your core self, if not thoughts, feelings, and actions?

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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 07:59 PM
  #9
To me guilt and shame are pretty intertwined and I have a ton of both. Especially shame and that's been the topic du jour for the last couple weeks in my sessions. It's so hard to go into it and sit there and be in it... t hanks for the link I'm going to go read it now.
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Default Oct 18, 2020 at 08:01 PM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by susannahsays View Post
Just curious - what does she say defines your core self, if not thoughts, feelings, and actions?
To be honest, I don't remember the answer...lol. I don't have it all down yet. I "think" values, beliefs, conscience, morals, etc.

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Default Oct 19, 2020 at 02:45 AM
  #11
We talk about the difference between shame and embarrassment a lot. I don’t think we have ever discussed guilt.

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Default Oct 19, 2020 at 03:05 AM
  #12
I just let it go. Look at everyone here. Everyone does dumb crap or even hurtful things in their lives. I think unless you are an actual sociopath, it is impossible to not regret some actions, to not feel awful about some things you may have done in your life.
There is no need to stay stuck in emotions of regret or guilt about past actions. Make amends as best you can if that needs to happen, and move on. Move on with a determination to change that behavior, or not do that again. Or, if it is a really hard thing, commit to changing that thing slowly and incrementally over time. And be forgiving with yourself. We do the best we can with what we've got at the time. If you would forgive someone you care about for a thing, then you are obligated to forgive yourself as well.
The only outcome of regret and guilt is the theft of the present. It prevents you from being fully alive and fully responsive NOW. It doesn't relieve anything. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make anything better. It can even actively bog you down in depression and freeze and stop you from making changes that could actually help repair past mistakes. Self-forgiveness and compassion can free you to make genuine amends and to repair relationships with others.
Basically, I believe if you would give compassion and understanding to another in the same circumstances, then you must afford yourself the same.
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Default Oct 20, 2020 at 02:13 AM
  #13
Wow Amyjay.
So much of your post hit me between the eyes.
Forgiving myself as I would offer compassion and forgiveness to another.
Now being adversely impacted by guilt and regret.
I really need to apply some of this to my life. Thank you!
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Default Oct 20, 2020 at 05:31 PM
  #14
Quote:
Originally Posted by daisydid View Post
I guess I don’t believe in regret. Who’s to say something is “wrong” if you made the decision you did with the information available at the time? I think about the man I dated my senior year of high school. He was horrible, and if I knew what I knew at the end of the relationship I wouldn’t have dated him. Doesn’t mean that I would change the fact that I did. I wasn’t “wrong” for dating him: I just made a naive decision based on limited information.

Thanks for your post. In my opinion, you have a healthy perspective.

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