Pondering about nuances in what my counselor said and did during session.

I always do this and as my fear is that she´ll suddenly leave me or that some manager will decide we can´t continue our sessions. (I don´t see her for therapy, just for "support" and weekly updates but I still don´t want to just lose her).

As I fear she´ll suddenly leave me I always think about different things she said or did during session, perhaps I apprehend she wasn´t that interested in what I told her or I interpret something she did as a sign that she thinks about ending our contact.

As she´s not a therapist I can´t really work on those things with her and as our public mental health care is severely underfinanced there´s no room for asking like "how many sessions can I get" and so on. Of course you can ask but there´s a constant threat that they´ll have to prioritize some other patient.

Also, this isn´t that much about finding "solutions" as I´m not planning to ask her straight out as we don´t have a care plan or any plan for our "chats". I wrote a care plan but they don´t work with plans in the facility I´m in.

Sometimes I think she´s bored by what I tell her and I also sometimes feel she perhaps thinks I´m too sensitive about things. But as she never goes deeper into what I tell her as she doesn´t have the education for that she can´t really know that much besides what I say during session. That is, she doesn´t understand me on a more emotional level which I have kind of accepted as I don´t have any options.

But I still ponder about all those things and I go through what she said, what she told me, how she answered to the things I told her and so on.

Sounds like you're ruminating.

It sounds like you like some aspects of meeting with your counselor, despite the fact that she can't do real therapy with you. Overall, do you find meeting with your counselor helps your mental health, or at least helps you to maintain things and not get worse? If so, then the fear of losing her is certainly understandable. There's unfortunately no way to tell for sure what the future may bring, though. If you don't want to ask her about this directly, maybe you could ask her about some general ways of dealing with and reducing anxiety? Is that something she can help with? Or, if she has already made some suggestions, maybe you could talk about those some more, without getting into exactly what the anxiety was about?

Thanks here today.

Perhaps our meetings don´t help me directly with my mental health but I guess I´d feel even worse if I didn´t have her either. The downside to this kind of contact is that I get attached to her like a friend and she can´t offer treatment.

She doesn´t talk about strategies for reducing symptoms like anxiety, probably because she doesn´t know any in detail. She knows in general terms about my fear of abandonment, that I´ve felt abandoned by former therapists and so on but she can´t offer that much. I mean, she listens and I assume she cares but she can´t dig deeper into things.

I though feel she offers a little relief and some support and I know I´m one of few who sees her more regularly so I assume she wants to follw up on things and see what happens to me. I appreciate she´s kind and all in all that leads to thoughts about what she said, what I said and so on.

She´s now going for a holiday so I won´t see her for a couple of weeks. I´m not afraid she´ll "disappear" but it´s always a bit difficult to wait until she comes back.