Questions about working with parts

Is working with parts considered IFS? Or what is IFS?

What's the difference between having parts and having dissociative identity disorder?

L wants to start working on parts with me. Part of me understands that we all have different parts/personas. We are one way with our parents, another with a sibling, another with a peer, etc. We also have different parts of us: child, adult, strong, weak, etc. And then we have the different parts of us that react differently: fight, flight, freeze, etc. Another part of me feels like she's doing seperation and not integration.

Honestly, I'm confused. But that could also just be because I'm currently in a confused state.

Monday, I had an appointment with L. As I pulled up, I saw her drive away. My heart broke. I literally saw her leave me. I thought she abandoned me. It turns out that she forgot her keys, but it was too late. I was already triggered. I was already flooded with emotions and flashbacks of previous abandonments. I still am. And that's where my problem lies. I know and love L. I've been with her for a little over a year and a half. And I (now) know she just forgot her keys. But I am traumatized by seeing her leave. I love her and I can't trust her. I need her, but she's unsafe. I can't shake these feelings. L says it's the parts of me that are conflicting and leaving me in a state of confusion. And we have to listen to each part and respect each part when going forward. She says this is part of the deep trauma work and healing.

Can anyone shed light on this? Help explain? Am I more broken than I think I am? Has anyone been through something similar with their T and come out of this?

Working with parts is part of IFS, but I think it's used in other approaches too. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have dissociative identity disorder. Lots of people use this approach.

I think parts work can help with exactly this kind of confusion, where a younger part of you is really upset about something (like L leaving) and a different part of you understands that she was just getting something and not gone forever. Identifying conflicting parts can help you make sense of jumbled feelings. The idea is that all of these parts have a reason for existing and act in ways that make sense, if you take the time to understand what that part feels and what it needs. Ultimately this can help with integration because you are better able to have the parts work together to help you do what you need to do to live a happy, productive life.

I have also found that this approach helps me make sense of reactions and feelings that I don't necessarily like about myself. Thinking of it as a part of me (rather than the whole thing) gives me just enough distance to make sense of it without having self-hatred immediately take over.

I don't know about the 'parts' thing much, but I can say that my T has said that trust fluctuates a lot for some people (and less for others, but it does for pretty much everyone) and it's fine to sometimes trust somebody less and even get triggered by them.

I personally have never worked with parts, but from what I know, it's just a way to explain why we might feel the way we do. As far as I have understood, it doesn't have much to do with DID.

Thanks EM! That helps a lot. I wonder if that's why she originally started teaching me about core-self?

Thanks CNS! Having BPD, my trust typically fluctuates between all or nothing. It's been so hard fighting of the part that wants to push her away.

I think I do parts a little differently but for what it’s worth...
When something from the past is brought up by something in the present and I feel those old emotions I try to figure out which trauma, age or era of trauma in my life they go to. So I have the infant, toddler, 6, 8 and 13 are the ones that came to the surface first in my therapy. They are super easy for me to identify as there are specific types of trauma at each of those ages that stopped my normal emotional development... “they” stayed stuck but part of me had to keep going to. I kind of think of them like branches in a tree because we are all still connected, they are all me... none completely split to form a new identity.

Now, T... he talks a lot about reparenting me and he had hoped T2 would be the female counterpart for him with that but... that didn’t work. But he doesn’t do it like anything I have read. If it is something he can do that I missed he does it. If he can’t do it he will tell vivid stories about what he wishes I had gotten as a child. T also knows that between sessions and in the big picture of things I have to learn to give those things I missed to myself. A lot of T’s want us to reparenting ourselves but how on earth can you reparenting yourself if you never knew a true parent???? So T is very comfortable knowing that I need a role model of a healthy parent and right now that’s him while I learn. I also have an internalized version of T that I use especially with the young parts. 8 wondered what it would have been like had T been my foster dad... so I spent time with “her” imagining what that would be like. How he would treat her, the problems they would run into, how scared she would be, how sad he would be for her pain, his joy when she started to come around... and when I get stuck I ask him.
So, not the norm... but it is what I’m doing.
Oddly right now I am feeling really secure in my relationship with T and trust him not to abandon me... but I am not trusting that I am being a good enough client or doing therapy “right”. I am worrying that I am not pulling my weight in the therapy.

Instead of looking at the episode as finished, now that it has worked out to the good, is there a way for you to revisit the episode with your t in order to embrace that good?

Sometimes things go by too quickly in real time to process them, or reprocess them.

This reminds me of the time my t double booked me with a married couple, and i was beyond devastated, certain that he was going to prioritize THEM over me. "Them" as a stand-in for my brother and his partner, who were always prioritized over me by my mother.

It was hard to accept that he would CHOOSE me. That was a new reality. Is there room in your life for that new reality?

Omers - L tells me stories or fantasies that she has for me. They are motherly fantasies of taking care of me. I guess that's one way she's "re-parenting" me. I do see her as a mother figure. I crave her love and nurturing. I think that this is why something like this has thrown me way off. Like she told me, my protectors were my attackers, and this echoes that. My safe person just became unsafe and it has shaken my foundation.

Una - The "episode" is not over. I might be able to understand things on a logical level, but my emotions just went through a hurricane. I do not feel mentally well. I do not feel safe in my relationship with L. That is what we are working towards. But you just can't say to get over it to someone who just relived, even for a moment, a past traumatic experience.

I agree, im totally not saying to get over it. What i did with my t was, for a few sessions, try to put myself in that same yucky mindset (and stomach upset) and walk thru it with him. Not the greatest suggestion, i know. "Relive the misery, yay!"

But i didnt even realize i was having transference feelings re my family. I was like, oh its a youngish couple, its like 10 am on a workday, THEY probably had to take off work, im on disability, not working, of COURSE he will take THEM over me. I didnt even realize it was like my family situation.

I didnt even realize my family sitch upset me that much. The double booking almost killed me, seriously. But i always felt like i had to just suck up the family deal. COULDNT GET MAD. Had to ACCEPT it was the BEST way. The ONLY way.

It wasnt. That was an eye opener, to put it mildly. Getting there was NOT easy. You could say it was LOGICAL, one way or the other? Like the family would tell me it was logical? Or my t would say it was NOT logical? So i get what you are saying about logical. Thats not the point. For me it was the story behind the feelings.

The kicker was my SIL telling MY mother to cook HER favorite dish for MY birthday. That meant i couldnt have MY favorite dish, because i would not be SO RUDE as to ask an old lady to make two different dishes. What a witch. i know im a horrible person!

i'm no expert, but i have done parts work in regards to my DID, but it was not based on IFS therapy. from what i understand, IFS is a bit different in how it categorises different 'parts'. in IFS parts are general in nature and more of a metaphor as with DID, parts/alters are dissociated self states that can feel quite independent and with a developed sense of identity separate to other parts in the DID system where there often is very little sharing of memories and information between the parts. because of these differences in how parts are defined with IFS, it is not the best method to use for addressing DID and has the potential to also be damaging for the DID client.

have you heard of structural dissociation in regards to complex trauma? this article does a decent job of explaining structural dissociation vs DID:Structural Dissociation | did-research.org
you may relate more to the concept of structural dissociation and what you are doing in therapy with your T.

jania fisher has written a very good book (Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors) on this exact concept of structural dissociation which you may find helpful to read. she also talks about IFS and the role it can play in addressing structural dissociation.

https://pacja.org.au/2019/11/healing...5-70823-4-pbk/

Thanks Una! Sorry for the misunderstanding. I haven't given up on L yet. In fact, after all our emails, our session, and our phone call, I'm starting to be able to seperate facts vs feelings, and past vs present. I think one of the things that triggered it was that she said it hurt her too. I didn't even think about how she felt. Now I feel like I dragged her through the mud.

Thanks koru kiwi. Both links helped. I sent them to L too. I think I might buy the book if she thinks it's worth while. I wonder if she's read it.

Thanks, scarlet this was one of the biggest deals of my therapy.

Thinking about it last night and today, like i cant even remember if i even went to that birthday dinner. I know i didnt want to, - and that kinda bothers me, that it feels so FAR AWAY! That I myself feel so far away but i probably sucked it up for my nephew's sake. But i sure remember my choice being taken away.

Its like, every day you ride the train to work, and every day theres a crash. Eventually you wrap yourself up in so much bubble wrap, that you barely feel the crash.

But then youre in t, and the transference train crashes, and you have NO bubble wrap, and youre like, wtf?! I just got hit by a train! Thats how it feels, for real.

And your t's going, what, i just forgot my keys...? My t was all, of COURSE you are staying, its YOUR regular time. That NEVER happened, where my mother chose me over ANYTHING else. I always came last, not just second.

Koru kiwi - I shared the links with L. She said that the book is one that she has read and has heavily influenced her. Thanks for helping me connect with her!

no worries!

glad it was helpful and i'm glad to hear that your T is familiar with Janina Fisher and her book.

all my best!

I have been trying to figure this all out myself so I am not much of a help. I put myself in your example to try to explain what little I know about IFS. If I saw T driving away like you did, my initial thought would be that she was abandoning me, no longer wanted to work with me, had forgotten our appointment, I was not important to her, etc. This would lead to a part of me want to say the hell with her I don't need her, she is like everybody else in my life. According to Emdr T, that is the child part who was abandoned and consequently unable to trust people.

Meanwhile another part of me would know that she would not abandon me like that, she has never intentionally done anything to hurt me, has never not been at an appointment. I would also know that likely something came up it could be an emergency or whatever. According to T that is the adult part of me who has learned to trust her and think through things rationally.

According to my understanding the goal is to align the two parts. So that I am not constantly battling the two parts in my head.

I am confused how to communicate and reassure the parts.

I've been wondering if IFS could be a good thing for me to try. I've tried talking about what I feel is my "child part" with Dr. T and he tends to change it to "your insecure attachment" or else "emotional part." But it really feels like certain emotions are coming from a different part of me. And "child part" makes sense based on how it feels. But like you said, NotTrustin, I don't know how to communicate and reassure the parts.

I have been doing IFS, EGO state therapy and EMDR for 7 years and I am sick sick sick of parts work. Talking to your younger self in session is totally embarrassing and awkward and I just refuse to do that anymore. If it actually worked then I would not be in therapy anymore..........just saying.

I agree it is awkward and weird. I know part of it is I really do not get it. However the idea of talking to myself is uncomfortable. I need I need to talk to T more about it. However, when she starts taking about it, I essentially shut her out.