Functional vs triggered states

Has anyone else had this kind of experience?

Mostly I'm quite functional in therapy sessions now. By functional I mean reasonably open, talkative, make occasional jokes, able to respond to T on an 'adult' level. I cry occasionally but usually without too much inhibition (I've never been good at crying in front of anyone). We've both worked hard to help me reach this point. When I'm like this I truly think I've left the past behind and focusing more on my present state and goals for the future.

But at times I find myself in a horrible triggered state where I feel frozen. It's often related to something T says or does and suddenly I'm unable to speak to her or even look at her, everything feels frightening and uncertain and I am stuck there no matter how illogical the feelings are and how badly I want to bring myself out of them. My voice goes very quiet as it's hard to get anything out. I want to sob but can't.

I think of the two states as my adult and my child, but not sure it it's as dichotomous as that. It's so odd how I can be functioning really well in the present and then suddenly my world has changed. I know what the feelings are and what triggers them and even how illogical they are in the present moment, but they are so real too.

I have similar experiences, I believe. Most of the time when in therapy I am fine other than I still struggle to cry. It is worse with teletherapy. However, on occasion when we go into deep discussions about my trauma I on occasion freeze. I can here T talking but I freeze up and cannot talk or really process things. She then starts to ask me questions and to do various grounding techniques. I cannot verbally respond to her on occasion I can shake my head no to tell her I cannot do what she is asking. Eventually I am able to come out of it and we process. We have discussed this. She said for me it is a form of dissociation that happens because in order to survive my childhood I need to numb my feeling. For many years this worked for me. Now I am in the place where I am starting to try to feel emotions but the traumatized part of me is still overwhelmed by emotions especially when it relates to my trauma. In person T has been pretty good at recognizing when it happens and can often do some grounding before hand. It is much harder for her over the computer. She also believes it is progress for me, as hard as it is.

Thanks for replying. That sounds very similar to my experience as I feel very frozen. I can say a few words sometimes but the effort to do so is excruciating as it feels like some invisible force is preventing me from doing anything at all, even speaking. It's very scary. Its great that your T is able to recognise and work with you on grounding. It's a long process but it's really good she can see you're making progress with it.

Have you discussed this issue with your T when you are. ot in this state? For me, those discussions after the fact were a huge benefit to both T and I. It helped her better understand what was going on so she could better help prevent it in the future.

It also helped me understand what was happening so I could be more compassionate with myself and not sore afraid when it was happening. I have emotional and physical side effects after that I use to think was a sign I am lazy.

I haven't but you're right, it probably would be a good idea to do so. She's very compassionate and tries to help me say what I need to but I haven't described how it feels to be in that place and what we might be able to do to help.

Good I am glad you are going to talk to her. When somebody is in that triggered state, according to my T, therapeutics value of the discussion is no linger theraputic.

Right now the best I can offer is a resounding yes, I can totally relate. I am so very there.