Future?

Last session, I had figured out a lot of things to talk to T about. I have traced back to once incident that probably had quite a bad effect on my reactions today.

I have OCD. Last Monday, after his vacation, I was dying because I just had to see him or talk to him. See, contacting my T is my compulsion. I get massive anxiety, it's unbelievable. Well, he called me after I called him four times. It was great. However, I asked what I should do if it were to happen at night? He doesn't answer his calls at night unless they are an emergency.

I never have called him then. I guess I can't live on "what ifs", I just wanted a contingency plan. Plus, he knew how much pain I was in. How can anyone who knows how much pain that causes not help someone? I just don't understand it.

Transference plays an issue here, too, though. I remember a time bawling when I was 16 and there was no one there to console me, no one to tell me how to deal with these problems.

Like sucks. I feel like I'm playing by a different set of rules.

I would make my own contingency plan, think of 10 other things I could do besides focus on how much I want to call my T.

1. Write a short story about a girl who feels compelled to contact. . .

2. Make a plan to and then make cookies or something simple like that to take to therapy next time, stop en route to buy a carton of milk and eat milk and cookies, giving T a little plastic bag of 5-6 cookies as a gift and offering him one of "mine" I'm eating with my milk.

3. Write a science fiction/Twilight Zone sort of story about a therapist who helps his OCD clients by have them choose from among 3 doors (like in the game show :-) where there's disappointment/further psychic pain of some sort behind one door, a negative consequence behind another door, and a way toward happiness and healing behind the third door. I'd build up the suspense then have them pick the good door.

4. Write a poem about my feelings.

5. Make a list of 10 things I don't want to do but "should" and start working on them (chores and things I'm procrastinated on, etc.)

6. Start an OCD blog site online.

7. Play "logical consequences" and take my feelings/fears to their possible ends and plan what I'll do if those ends happen this time (if my T dies and I never seem him again; if my T doesn't come back/won't see me again; if I call my T, having convinced myself it's an emergency and he doesn't pick up the phone or, worse, does and tells me it's not an emergency and is angry with me or doesn't call me back, etc.; if I have a panic attack and end up in the ER; etc.)

8. Pretend I'm in a dramatic play playing someone with OCD.

9. Buy myself a present; probably a book for me, or some sort of activity/craft thing, something to help me with a hobby or project I already have going.

10. Make a list of 10 more things to do (distraction, like buying/reading a book, in #9:-) or go out somewhere and do something (library to get book )

(Soliaree)

Yes, I understand this compulsion. It sounds like it is so difficult to wait to talk to him when you REALLY need to hear his voice. Maybe you can listen to saved messages? I like Perna's idea of making a list. When you exhaust all the options then you can go down the list and start over again if necessary.

It's this idea of living with and accepting ourselves. Why is it so hard? I think it has something to do with not internalizing effective coping skills or something like that.

Yeah, make your list and check it twice! You will be okay. I am glad you and T are working through stuff. You could always obsess here and send us tons of messages!
I think I'm going to listen to some old recordings of T's voice right now....

Peace