[SlayGuy138]

Good evening! If this thread isn't appropriate for this forum, then an admin can feel free to transfer it somewhere else. Forgive me if it's kinda long-winded or "wordy".

I know this is my first post here in ages. I doubt anyone remembers me, and if they do they probably only recall the incredibly mean-spirited and vitriolic rants I made in almost every post. You can feel free to look back in my previous posts if you're morbidly curious, honestly I'd rather not relive them. If it'll make any difference, I'm happy to report that in the year-and-a-half or so since I last posted here, my life has made a dramatic and unexpected turn for the better. I couldn't live with myself until I made a post telling you all about it.

When I was last active on this forum, I was enduring an absolute s**tshow of a school year. I was commuting four hours a day, five days a week to a commuter school at which I was failing miserably, shelling out almost $500 a month on bus tickets and subway fares. My checking account was in the red more often than not, I hardly ever showered, and I even had to withdraw a whole semester (which I was still mortified about until a few months ago). On top of this, my social life was practically non-existent, my relationship with my mom's side of the family was in shambles, my sleep rhythm was absolutely demolished, and I had a couple close friends betray me in ways that I consider unforgivable. All these circumstances aggravated my depression and PTSD to crippling extremes.

Possible trigger:

All I saw was billions of swinging nooses and not a single ray of light or warmth. Fantasizing about atrocities was the only thing that brought any semblance of peace to my tortured soul. Had I continued on the trajectory I was on, as sh**ty as it is for me to admit, I definitely believe that by now I would've committed suicide, homicide, or both. Truth be told, there wasn't a single day I walked through the train station and didn't envision myself setting down my backpack and jumping in front of an oncoming Amtrak train.

Now I can confidently say I'm glad I didn't.

In Spring of last year I finally decided enough was enough, and that I absolutely had to transfer colleges for the sake of my sanity and future. This I did, and the transfer process couldn't have gone more smoothly. My last school year was one of huge, unprecedented growth in almost every part of my life: academically, socially, mentally, intellectually, etc. I'm living on campus and taking five courses a semester, and running an increasingly tight ship with my coursework. I had a lot of anxiety prior to my transfer about how I'd perform independently, how well I'd be able to "adult". These concerns have all been alleviated now. About a week ago I began my senior year, and while I'll have to be a "super senior" next year I see this as a blessing in disguise, as I'll have more time to get the most out of my college experience. I have no reason to believe that this school year won't be my greatest one yet.

This summer was pretty amazing too; I traveled to see my dad's side of the family, worked as his drum tech for his hardcore band's shows in Baltimore and New York City, did a summer job where my boss and co-workers loved me for some reason, and made some great new IRL friends (although in the process I broke my 21-year-long abstinence from alcohol and marijuana, but I'd say that's a more than worthy trade-off). I needed a good summer.

Through it all, no one has spent more time, energy, and money, and shown more faith in my future and self-determination than my father. I am absolutely humbled by all the sacrifices he's made for me, and hope to someday return his investment by writing novels or getting into music journalism and putting my first paycheck toward helping him live comfortably. (Writing is a huge coping skill of mine, I tend to write scenes similar to traumatic events in my life, and while they don't eliminate the pain, they numb it enough that I can function.) There was a long time during my childhood when my relationship with him was under severely limited circumstances (thanks in no small part to his death camp commandant of an ex-wife, my "mother") but I honestly believe that we've finally mended the divide that was an omnipresent factor in both of our lives for so long. I love him more than anyone else on Earth, and what's more, I think he is the first human being in all my life to help me internalize what parental love is supposed to be.

By no means is everything perfect in my life. I do still have bad days occasionally, where my PTSD is "triggered" (I don't feel right saying that word, but it's the best fitting description of what happens) by some horrible event that's happening in the world these days. But I can say in good conscience that my life is at least 250% better than it was when you guys last heard from me. I've built up a solid initial momentum, laying the groundwork for a better life, and I will see it through until the day my current and ideal selves are one and the same. In spite of the world descending into an imminent nuclear holocaust or totalitarian hellscape, I'm confident that I'll be able to carve out my own little piece of Heaven, and maybe even find some beautiful boy or girl who tolerates me enough to have me share it with them. And who knows, I might even have my own car and place by age 60!

Ahh, there I go again making it about myself. I guess some things never change. The least I can say is that I hope my experience gives at least some of you a bit of motivation to pull yourselves out of your own situations, whatever they may be. I've always hypothesized that the most effective treatment for mental health issues is not medical, but environmental (having Wonder Woman for a therapist helps too), and firmly believe that no one should have to keep themselves immersed in a place where they're abused or dehumanized for one more day. You owe it to yourself to seek out surroundings and people that make you feel confident and empowered. You have nothing to lose but your chains. I guess the universe owed me a few favors, and they owe you, whoever's reading this, some favors as well. Here's hoping you all get to taste the fruits of your hard labor very soon. Take care of yourselves, and keep marching forward!