[ghtyui]

I wish I could explain it detail the backstory and everything that happened today but I don't have the energy. Long story short my boss made me come in for an unscheduled one on one meeting. He went through a list of things I'm doing wrong, most of which I felt were completely inaccurate or at most half true. When I would disagree with him he would get upset and talk over me. It went downhill from there. I've never had a boss get so mad at me before. He really got pissed that I would not agree with him about what he said I was doing wrong. After that meeting he 'documented' our conversation and asked me to review it, and we would have a call later. I told him I disagreed with some stuff so he asked me to document it and send it to him. During our call he said I sent him a bunch of excuses that do not have to do with our conversation. I flat our disagreed with that and he got way more pissed. I did not yell at any point in these conversations. I took responsibility for the mistakes but I pointed out what was incorrect. He did not like that. He said the document is not going to HR, its just between me and him. He said the document will stay as is and I said that's fine but I do not agree that it's accurate. He yelled YOU"VE SAID THAT THREE TIMES!! A few times I asked him why he was yelling and he said I'm not yelling, you're yelling! He was super quick to throw back at me any apparent accusation I would direct at him. So obviously (hopefully, from my rambling) my boss is unprofessional at best, and more than likely unstable. I've been looking for a new job for a long time but I'm in a specialized field that's not common. I have a house, a wife and 2 kids, I want to just quit but I know I can't. But I can't see how I can work for this person now that I know how childish and petty they are. This post is mostly to vent but I'd like to hear from anyone else who works in a toxic situation. I still haven;'t processed everything that happened. Even though I know I was right to stand up for myself and not agree to accusations that were incorrect, as the evening has wore on I'm feeling more and more like a piece of ****. I keep replaying different parts of the conversation and my dumb brain is starting to rationalize and see the point of view of my boss. But then I remember some of his accusations, and they are almost all half truths, or just plain wrong. HR is not an option. I'm a people pleaser. at 42 years old im a hypersensitive, people pleasing, bipolar2, codependant. I have so much **** wrong I dont know where to begin to try to get well. It's scary. Does anyone here go to group therapy? Does it help? I have gone to so many councelors and every single one of them I have dropped because at the end of every session they were like WELP see you next week. No help on anything. I know I need to do my own work but what is that work really? How do you do your own work? what does that look like?

[Foo Fighter]

I can say this from personal experience, if your boss is being a bully, it's better to quit. Mine waited until I screwed up and dropped me (so she could do it for cause) and she was like yours....talked over you and she treated most of her employees like idiots. Because I was new and learned diferently I was singled out, and she would talk over me and chewed me out on everything .I know you don't really want to quit but if your boss is lying about you and you think it is something HR can't fix ( it's hit or miss, I didn't go because I felt she's retaliate if I did) then you need to consider leaving this job sooner rather than later. I applaud you for standing up to tour boss, you are loads braver than I was! But there are better jobs out there. I looked on Indeed to find jobs because you hear from the people who work there, I don't know if that will help but you can see from what people say if the job will fit or not. You are not worthless and don't ever let anyone make you feel that way. Best of wishes.

[ghtyui]

Thanks for the kind words. I wish it was that easy to just quit. Luckily I don't have to face him again until next Wed. I imagine if I buck up I can handle facing him for another month or two until I get a new job. It's the reality of life. I have a loving family, and my faith in God, (however small it is) to get me through.

[hvert]

That sucks - keeping my fingers crossed you land a new job soon. Has this person been your boss for a while? Is there anyone above him? Why doesn't he want to go to HR?

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by ghtyui

I wish I could explain it detail the backstory and everything that happened today but I don't have the energy. Long story short my boss made me come in for an unscheduled one on one meeting. He went through a list of things I'm doing wrong, most of which I felt were completely inaccurate or at most half true. When I would disagree with him he would get upset and talk over me. It went downhill from there. I've never had a boss get so mad at me before. He really got pissed that I would not agree with him about what he said I was doing wrong. After that meeting he 'documented' our conversation and asked me to review it, and we would have a call later. I told him I disagreed with some stuff so he asked me to document it and send it to him. During our call he said I sent him a bunch of excuses that do not have to do with our conversation. I flat our disagreed with that and he got way more pissed. I did not yell at any point in these conversations. I took responsibility for the mistakes but I pointed out what was incorrect. He did not like that. He said the document is not going to HR, its just between me and him. He said the document will stay as is and I said that's fine but I do not agree that it's accurate. He yelled YOU"VE SAID THAT THREE TIMES!! A few times I asked him why he was yelling and he said I'm not yelling, you're yelling! He was super quick to throw back at me any apparent accusation I would direct at him. So obviously (hopefully, from my rambling) my boss is unprofessional at best, and more than likely unstable. I've been looking for a new job for a long time but I'm in a specialized field that's not common. I have a house, a wife and 2 kids, I want to just quit but I know I can't. But I can't see how I can work for this person now that I know how childish and petty they are. This post is mostly to vent but I'd like to hear from anyone else who works in a toxic situation. I still haven;'t processed everything that happened. Even though I know I was right to stand up for myself and not agree to accusations that were incorrect, as the evening has wore on I'm feeling more and more like a piece of ****. I keep replaying different parts of the conversation and my dumb brain is starting to rationalize and see the point of view of my boss. But then I remember some of his accusations, and they are almost all half truths, or just plain wrong. HR is not an option. I'm a people pleaser. at 42 years old im a hypersensitive, people pleasing, bipolar2, codependant. I have so much **** wrong I dont know where to begin to try to get well. It's scary. Does anyone here go to group therapy? Does it help? I have gone to so many councelors and every single one of them I have dropped because at the end of every session they were like WELP see you next week. No help on anything. I know I need to do my own work but what is that work really? How do you do your own work? what does that look like?

I think, while therapy is nice, that your relationship at work is permanently ruined and you need to light a fire under yourself to find another job.

Specialized field or not, you may find that the decision to keep working there might not be up to you.

Editing to add: I was going to ask if perhaps there is a personality disorder at work here (on your part) and by looking at your profile there is. Pay attention to that and any therapy you get needs to be geared toward coping behaviors and how to get along with others in a beneficial way for you. The fight to be right that you do is destroying your work life. I think you're not so much a people-pleaser as you are someone who just tells people what they want to hear until you're offended and then you shift blame to something or someone else.

[ghtyui]

Originally Posted by Molinit

I think, while therapy is nice, that your relationship at work is permanently ruined and you need to light a fire under yourself to find another job.

Specialized field or not, you may find that the decision to keep working there might not be up to you.

Editing to add: I was going to ask if perhaps there is a personality disorder at work here (on your part) and by looking at your profile there is. Pay attention to that and any therapy you get needs to be geared toward coping behaviors and how to get along with others in a beneficial way for you. The fight to be right that you do is destroying your work life. I think you're not so much a people-pleaser as you are someone who just tells people what they want to hear until you're offended and then you shift blame to something or someone else.

Molinit,
thank you for your input. You are right, I need to GTFO of there. I'm polite, but I don't like my coworkers, but I haven't really had to since I worked from home. But now I'm being required to work in the office, a 3 hour commute daily. My wife is right, when I don't like someone it shows. Darnit, I really don't like anyone. And that's probably because I hate myself too.
I have an informal lunch meeting with my former boss for a job in the same field at a new company. I really hope that works out and yes, this has to be related to my avoidant personality disorder, among other things. It's scary as he11!! I'm 42 and have a wife and family to take care of. I don't want to end up like my dad who fell out of the finance profession and had to work menial jobs and started drinking again until he died. I know I need to learn to get along better with people but I've never gotten any successful therapy from a counselor. Also, what they tell me makes sense, but I cannot, never, ever, apply it to my life.
Your quote about me not being a people-pleaser sounds right on. On the other hand, where I work is toxic. People are up tight, there's meetings on top of meetings where people clambor to sound the most technical or spew the most managerial-speak... it's so depressing. When my boss speaks in a meeting he makes everything sound so friggen important, when in reality is most likely a simply change. Thats the co-dependent in me, from what I understand. When what other people do makes me crazy.

[ghtyui]

Originally Posted by hvert

That sucks - keeping my fingers crossed you land a new job soon. Has this person been your boss for a while? Is there anyone above him? Why doesn't he want to go to HR?

My opinion is that he doesn't want to go to HR is because he wants to avoid any attention from them. He has also been to HR over issues with another lady on the team. She is straight toxic. He told me they didn't get along and finally had to have a meeting with HR, which ended with the lady blowing up and crying and storming out. And according to him, HR left the issue at that! I've had more time to process the situation and have come to the conclusion that HR also sucks at this company. If they didn't suck, they would have some form of menial training to my boss. Because of my issues I've had to deal with HR at one other company, and I realize, they only exist to protect the company. So I know H can't rely on them unless I'm willing to jump through a lot of hoops like documenting everything for an extended period of time, presenting my case unemotionally, which is very hard for me, and then hoping the HR rep handles things the right way. You can read the horror stories all over the internet.
I have worked at this place for almost 2 years. I've been looking for another job off and on for most of that time because I don't fit the culture here. It's wierd, and whenever I try to explain it but noone gets it. I cam from a place where people were pretty nice, and we all worked hard and got stuff done. At this place, people seem stuck up, try really hard to appear super professional. No one jokes. But then there's all of my issues. ugh. I don't know where to start.

[Molinit]

Just remember, my sentence about therapy, the important part is to learn coping skills and how to get along with others in a beneficial way FOR YOU. So it's a win-win, your employer is happy because you seem to be part of a team and you're happy because your day is smoother.

I've learned that I don't necessarily have to change myself to fit in, there are ways to "appear" to fit in during the work day and I can keep being me the other 16 hours. But that has to be from day #1 at a job and the other people need to be halfway decent types - the environment you're describing sounds crappy and I'd just get myself out of it ASAP.