[BeastMan]

Hello, everyone.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this and if it's not then please pardon me and move it to the correct one (I assume Mods can do that).
There are a couple of things I should state first for anyone who's willing to reply. First, I'm not from the West. I'm from a very turbulent place and in a turbulent / life threatening job. I'm a veteran of war and still am fighting it. So there's that to deal with.

Secondly, I've had a very abusive childhood and had to grow up earlier than I should have. Beatings, emotional abuse, self-esteem; you name it. However, I'd to be there for my siblings so I guess I turned very numb from an early age. I once had an assessment (which's not possible now) and some therapy where I was told I had psychopathic tendencies. I tend to be very unfeeling yet I have a very charming and laid back persona.

Third, recently, my wife whom I think I loved a lot went for higher studies abroad and I encouraged and supported her going (huge social stigmas from my place to come over). Once, she was there she started feeling very lonely (she's had Borderline, Bipolar and suicidal ideation when she was young). As I knew how destructive she could be under the influence of lonliness and depression, I encouraged her to create a social group. Being young (we're both 30) and attractive, she naturally attracted the eye of a lot of guys. And that seemed to flatter her, I told her (not knowing what else I could do) that she should relax and socialize.
That was a few weeks ago. During that time, I'd some OPS to do (military) and she was hanging around with new people. She met someone 2 weeks ago and really clicked. She told me about it and I remarked that it's nice she had a friend. She said she was attracted to him and so was he, I said, as long as you're fine then be his friend. They ended up making out, which she told me in vivid detail. I didn't know what to do because I couldn't allow her to fall down into a depressive state and become destructive. I said, you should have boundaries where you deem them fit. Thinking it was a one off thing; however, she told me they planned on meeting again. Just this weekend they did and they ended up having a lot of sex. The guy is really big in his endowment (I think I'm like 4-5 inches, I suppose) and handsome (tall, in her words) whereas I'm built like an ogre and years of military deployment has done me really well (sarcasm).
When she told me all of that, I felt very numb. However, I'm having a hard time sleeping now. I think I've disassociated. There are times I feel enraged, then I feel like I should improve my looks etc., and then there are times I feel like I should disappear. I have professional relationships but no friends and my family's very abusive. This episode has left me feeling an utter feeling of isolation and loss of connection from everyone. I feel alone,

I feel animalistic and I feel inhumane.

Professional therapy's not an option for me due to my job (I'm leaving it in a few months) and location.

Thank you.

[Raindropvampire]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My mind is a blank on advice at the moment I just wanted you to know that someone was listening.

[Skeezyks]

I'm sorry you are struggling with this difficult situation. I think the obvious suggestion would be to talk this through with a counselor or therapist. But you've written that is not possible. Plus you mentioned you don't have any friends or family you can confide in.

I do think your fears, with regard to this situation, are ones you probably need to share with your wife at some point, perhaps in the form of a letter (since I presume the two of you won't be together any time soon?) I don't know about you... but it's much easier for me to express myself in writing than it would be to talk things through over the phone. Plus, writing a letter allows you the benefit of writing it, letting it "cool" overnight, & then revising it before sending it off. Your letter then might be followed up with one or more phone conversation(s).

Still... before you would do something such as writing a letter, or talking by phone, you might still wish to have someone you could mull things over with. One option for that sort of thing that occurs to me is the 7 Cups of Tea website. (I should say I've never used it myself. But, from what I understand of it, it sounds as though it could possibly be one option for you.) Anyway... here's a link to the 7 Cups website:

Online Therapy & Free Counseling, Someone To Talk To | 7 Cups

My best wishes to you...

[healingme4me]

That's an enormous betrayal by your wife. I think it's human to go through an enormous amount of intense emotions. Do you have anyone around to say, "Listen, this just happened to me. I could really use an ear to vent to." ?

[Bill3]

To speak anonymously with a trained listener, you could call a free listening line such as Caring Contact (1-908-232-2880).

Caring Contact - We're Here To Listen

[BeastMan]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My mind is a blank on advice at the moment I just wanted you to know that someone was listening.

Thank you, I appreciate it. I guess, I'm in the same boat as you with the utter loss of how to deal with the situation.

Thank you for your kind words.

[BeastMan]

Thank you, Skeezyks, I appreciate your words and suggestions. I did try this some time ago (therapy) and here's my problem: they try to fix me. Now, I realize that that may be the Western model of therapy but I'm not residing in the West and many of their strategies are not only useless but detrimental here. Secondly, with the expression to my wife. I really don't know what to say? She's known me for a decade. What can I say to her what she doesn't already know? I'm not sure what this would accomplish.

Thank you regardless, though.

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

I'm sorry you are struggling with this difficult situation. I think the obvious suggestion would be to talk this through with a counselor or therapist. But you've written that is not possible. Plus you mentioned you don't have any friends or family you can confide in.

I do think your fears, with regard to this situation, are ones you probably need to share with your wife at some point, perhaps in the form of a letter (since I presume the two of you won't be together any time soon?) I don't know about you... but it's much easier for me to express myself in writing than it would be to talk things through over the phone. Plus, writing a letter allows you the benefit of writing it, letting it "cool" overnight, & then revising it before sending it off. Your letter then might be followed up with one or more phone conversation(s).

Still... before you would do something such as writing a letter, or talking by phone, you might still wish to have someone you could mull things over with. One option for that sort of thing that occurs to me is the 7 Cups of Tea website. (I should say I've never used it myself. But, from what I understand of it, it sounds as though it could possibly be one option for you.) Anyway... here's a link to the 7 Cups website:

My best wishes to you...

[BeastMan]

Thank you, healing, for replying. The problem with that strategy is, for me, that you should think of me being trapped in the Victorian Age (culture around me). What I'm going to get is perhaps mockery, ridicule and gossip. Nothing more. A man keeps his woman in place, here, I don't prescribe to it and what I'm going to get is, 'we told you so. HA.' Something of the sorts.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

That's an enormous betrayal by your wife. I think it's human to go through an enormous amount of intense emotions. Do you have anyone around to say, "Listen, this just happened to me. I could really use an ear to vent to." ?

[BeastMan]

Thank you for the suggestion but that's not possible for me. Location wise.

Originally Posted by Bill3

To speak anonymously with a trained listener, you could call a free listening line such as Caring Contact (1-908-232-2880).