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strawberrylove
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Default Aug 11, 2017 at 06:52 PM
  #1
So, my long distance (online) boyfriend, who I have been dating for exactly a week, and I were very close friends, best friends. Jesus, the whole time we been friends people always asked us if we were dating, since we were so close and comfortable with each other, we told each other things we couldn't possibly tell anyone else. I truly do like him a lot!
Here's some background about me, I'm 21, i have been diagnosed with agoraphobia, panic/anxiety disorder, manic depression and BPD. So that being said when we found out we liked each other 2 weeks ago, he was already saying he thinks we would be perfect for each other and that he would want a relationship with me and that he thinks we would work so well together he was so excited and though I did agree I still asked for some time to think about it. He was understanding, he is truly the most caring, patient, sweetest person I ever met, who understands me and my mental health issues and I appreciate him for that. But I was effy about if because I was having and all these intrusive thoughts and anxiety, trying to figure out if it would be the right choice to go for it, if I was even ready for a relationship when I'm well.. me. So last Friday I told him yes, let's go for it.
Now I can't help but have these thoughts like I made the wrong choice in saying yes, wishing I thought more about it. I don't know why, I do like him! I really do. Why am I feeling like I just made a mistake. I know if I told him this he would be caring and try to work on figuring out why I felt like this but I'm not ready to hurt his feelings, I'm not sure if it's because this is new that I feel like this. It's (not) funny, because this is normally the feeling I got when I got a new cat, or bought something I wanted then realize I didn't need and I shouldn't have. It's like a guilt, the "was this the right move" (though I absolutely love my cats now) but like I don't know if this is a normal feeling, I never been in any type of relationship. What do I do?
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 03:19 AM
  #2
It sounds like you're having anxiety over whether you made the right decision. You could talk it over with him in a gentle way (he sounds like a great guy) or talk to a therapist or do a pro/con analysis. Put it down on paper. You might get some clarification. Good luck with your next step. Sending big hugs.
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 04:13 AM
  #3
Just go for it. See how it goes. Since he looks so caring, you shouldn't have too many problems. See if this relationship will work out. If you're particularly nervous, you can always talk to him.
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 05:35 AM
  #4
Just curious, how do you date long distance? Is there any plans for making the relationship not long distance?

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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 08:20 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
Just curious, how do you date long distance? Is there any plans for making the relationship not long distance?
Yeah in the future, if it works out. But I'm having all this doubt and regret of saying yes should I even continue to stay with him? It doesn't seem like a good thing to have in a relationship
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 08:32 AM
  #6
It just seems like a bad way to continue a relationship with already this much regret? Thats making me doubt my feelings for him, maybe think I like him lot but I really don't like him as much? I tried sleeping on it last night, and trying to figure this all out because I know he likes me a lot and I don't know if I should try another week but at the same time I don't want to lead him at all.
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 09:05 AM
  #7
IMHO, you don't have a relationship until you are together in person. You are not going steady like when you were in middle school when you are 21.

Do you feel any physical attraction to him? If not, tell him you really only feel a strong friendship and you were too impulsive a week ago, no big mistake was made.

If you feel a bit of attraction, make plans to get together in person and see how it goes. That's how a relationship forms. You don't just decide you are in a relationship. You spend time together and feelings and experiences bond you together over time.

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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 09:49 AM
  #8
How do you know there is physical attraction when you have never been physically with him or he with you. Until you actually meet, it's all just in the mind & thinking the attraction will be there.

I think you are just being wise to doubt anything about the relationship at this point other than you communicate well together long distance. Go with your GUT feeling. I learned the hard way IRL, not long distance, to ALWAYS listen to one's gut feeling. I had one that told me not to get married to the guy I got married to. 33 years later I left him for exactly the reasons my GUT (intuition) told me not to marry him in the first place. I had tolerated what I didn't like way too long. There is something about him that your intuition is aware of....LISTEN TO IT!!!!

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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 02:34 PM
  #9
So I should just call it off? Should I try a few more days or is waiting even longer to see how I feel a bad idea?
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 03:06 PM
  #10
What are the pros and cons of having a relationship with him?
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 04:20 PM
  #11
Hate to sound like the party pooper, but you can't have a relationship without actually knowing the person irl first.
Because the simple truth is, you don't know this person.
Who they say they are, how they behave online are only what they want to show you.
When you get to know someone irl you see it all even the bits they you wish you didn't.
Even Skype and face time can only give you enough to know if they are physically attracted too you.

A LDR happens when for whatever reason, your real life partner and you have to live a distance apart. Wether through college, work , military, prison.

I don't know what to call these online things...fantasies I suppose, since it's mostly projection and guess work.

I am not saying it couldn't work if you met. Or that it is an impossibility.

I think the reason your so apprehensive is because you know all this, and that some part of you knows this isn't real.

Maybe you should say you liked things better as they were, before the labels.
That your saying never you would just rather meet first before making that kind of step.?

Of course you might disagree with me entirely, and you know, that's fine too.

Just do whatever puts you most at ease.
All the best, and take care.

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Confused Aug 12, 2017 at 06:18 PM
  #12
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Originally Posted by Erebos View Post
Hate to sound like the party pooper, but you can't have a relationship without actually knowing the person irl first.
Because the simple truth is, you don't know this person.
Who they say they are, how they behave online are only what they want to show you.
When you get to know someone irl you see it all even the bits they you wish you didn't.
Even Skype and face time can only give you enough to know if they are physically attracted too you.

A LDR happens when for whatever reason, your real life partner and you have to live a distance apart. Wether through college, work , military, prison.

I don't know what to call these online things...fantasies I suppose, since it's mostly projection and guess work.

I am not saying it couldn't work if you met. Or that it is an impossibility.

I think the reason your so apprehensive is because you know all this, and that some part of you knows this isn't real.

Maybe you should say you liked things better as they were, before the labels.
That your saying never you would just rather meet first before making that kind of step.?

Of course you might disagree with me entirely, and you know, that's fine too.

Just do whatever puts you most at ease.
All the best, and take care.
No, you just made perfect sense. You're right. Online is so different than in real life and yes we get along so well now but I know it might be completely different in person, we could possibly not "click" as well. In the long run it's better to stay friends now so later on it won't hurt as much for him and me if things go wrong. I'm just, I'm so nervous to tell him this, how can i? He was excited. I was too in a way, we told our friends. I know this is selfish but I don't want people to think badly of me if I cause him to get upset (not in a bad way, in a sad way). I'm honestly not sure if it's just online relationships aren't for me or relationships period.
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 06:39 PM
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What are the pros and cons of having a relationship with him?
I can't think if any cons about him, just about my feelings towards this relationship
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 06:59 PM
  #14
When you find the right person IRL or he becomes a IRL person. Im sure you will be quite capable of having a good relationship with the person. Its hard enough gettkng to REALLY know someone IRL

Bad relationships often happen becausd the people desperately want a relationship even when they are incompatible. Initially they want it so bad then the reality that they really didnt know the person is & they dont like what they ended up with. Add the inabiluty through internet of only knowing what they wany you to know.

I would just say that you have been seriously thinking this over & honestly dont see a point in having an exclusive online relationship with someone you have no IRL contact with & if the tkme ever comes when you do get together you will gladly reconsider after hettkng to really know him.

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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 08:31 PM
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I can't think if any cons about him, just about my feelings towards this relationship
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 09:56 PM
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I think it's all online to be honest and you've only known him for 2 weeks. It's not a true measure of a "first" relationship, in my humble opinion.
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Default Aug 12, 2017 at 10:42 PM
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I think it's all online to be honest and you've only known him for 2 weeks. It's not a true measure of a "first" relationship, in my humble opinion.
Haha I actually known him for a year and a half
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Default Aug 13, 2017 at 03:56 AM
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Haha I actually known him for a year and a half
Doesn't matter. It's online. I don't think it's a real "relationship".
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Default Aug 13, 2017 at 02:58 PM
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Haha I actually known him for a year and a half
You have known what he wants you to know about him. Until you are actually TOGETHER IRL, yiu will never REALLY know him. Some people we never get to know even IRL. I honestly NEVER knew my H even after 33 years of being married to him before getting fed up & leaving

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