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Default Dec 28, 2018 at 02:37 PM
  #21
I'm glad that you seem to be well established in your own life. You're not dependent on your parents. Having that emancipation is huge. You can be your own person. It sounds like you are.

Your obligation, IMHO, is to be courteous. You are under absolutely no obligation to like your mother . . . or your father. That's not even something you can control. Religious leaders tell us that's why there is no commandment that we "like each other."

There are two kinds of love. One is the warm, wonderful feeling we have towards those whom we find delight in being around. We can't control when and with whom we feel that. Another kind of love has nothing to do with feelings. It is a decision to be concerned with another person's welfare. It is a commitment to be available to lend a certain level of support. That does not require that we tolerate being in someone's presence while they mistreat us. It may require us to put up with some occasional discomfort, within reason.

I don't think Skype encounters with your mother will give either one of you much benefit. I also don't think you have to provide a steady stream of emails to someone who never responds. Your mom, also, has some say over how much interaction she wants to participate in. So you send the occasional email . . . maybe a handwritten note now and then.

My father was narcissistic and difficult to deal with. When he was flagrantly insulting toward me, I was inclined to pull back and allow there to be more distance between us. Then I would leave it up to him to reach out. He was incapable of apologizing. (Though he did 2 or 3 times, to my amazement.) But when he became regretful of the distance that had developed, he would call me and invite me to some especially good dinner that he or my mom was cooking. I would accept. That was as close as he could get to taking responsibility for a rift having opened up and doing something about it.

I don't think you would be wrong to hold off going for a visit, until you get some kind of encouragement and indication that your presence is wanted. That's what I used to do. It might never come.

Here's what I don't think helps anything. I don't think you go on a mission of "holding people accountable." I don't think you berate your dad for not sticking up for you. You don't call or visit with the goal of getting stuff off your chest. That's futile . . . I believe. You focus on what behavior is acceptable, or tolerable, to you today. Withdraw from engaging with them when they don't behave themselves within reason. That allows you some control over what you'll subject yourself to.

Good luck. It'll never be easy or richly gratifying. You'll find your fulfilling relationships elsewhere in your life. Anyway, that's my take on your situation.
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Default Jan 02, 2019 at 06:49 AM
  #22
Thanks all for your kind words and thoughts. Rose, in particular, you have some good points.

My dad did mention that tomorrow some old friends will be visiting. They were kind of an aunt and uncle to me when growing up. He suggested skyping when they are there. I think that's a better idea, more of a buffer and my mom will have to at least try to act more normally. If my mom does decide to be a pain, I can talk with them. If the scowling starts I will end the call.


After that, though, I'll probably stick with an occasional e-mail unless they specifically say they want to skype (they probably won't). I was always the one to suggest it in the past.

At least we finalized the house transaction and are transferring the down payment. Then comes the new stress of moving.
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Default Jan 02, 2019 at 08:12 AM
  #23
Sorry you are going through all this, rechu. Everyone else has really made some good points, so I don't have much to add.

I would say, if you think you might regret it later, after your mom passes away, you might want to pay a short visit (at SOME point before she passes away). More just for your own peace than theirs... but not visiting seems perfectly reasonable to me also. If and when you do visit, can you stay in a hotel and just see your parents for short periods of time?

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Default Jan 07, 2019 at 11:17 AM
  #24
Well I ended up skyping with them after I had signed off on the house sale. I couldn’t deal with the stress of that and her at the same time. I agreed in large part because I thought their friends would be a buffer, but they cancelled their visit at the last minute. I had already agreed by that point. What a mistake. She had the scowl I was anticipating and barely said a word. It was pretty much my dad speaking.

My husband said maybe the body language and scowling were something from the stroke, but I don't think so. I stopped suggesting skyping several years ago because she had that exact same facial expression and body language the last 3 times we did, and supposedly the stroke mainly affected her leg.

The only things she said were that I was not rid of her yet, a sneering comment about what I was doing work-wise these days anyways, (and then not understanding why someone would pay me to do that type of work). Soon after she told my dad to hang up because she didn't want to speak to me anymore.

My husband also has a tough relationship with his mother, worse in many ways. He called her on the second because it was her birthday. I sort of thought if he could do it, I will give it one more try. It actually went better for him than for me!

I feel like I made my last effort in light of her health issues and in the spirit of the holidays. I don’t see any reason to put myself through that again. She sure gave the impression that she wants nothing to do with me. I at least made an effort to engage her. Yet again she didn’t. I’m done with anything more than an occasional e-mail or card. As far as a visit, ugh, if skype is that bad, I can’t imagine a visit.

Someone suggested maybe staying at a hotel and seeing her a bit. However, flights to where they live from here are very expensive since it is a small regional airport with little competition. Then, they are about three hours from the airport so we’d have to rent a car. A hotel on top of that would make it even more expensive.
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 05:42 AM
  #25
Concentrate on the life you have with your husband . . . and on whoever else brings joy into your life.

You are under no moral obligation to do all that traveling to spend time visiting someone who acts that cold toward you. No more skyping. Let her make the next move. If someone makes you feel rebuffed, then just leave them alone. That's what life has taught me to do.
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 06:04 AM
  #26
You did what you've had to do, rechu. I don't think you have any obligation to do more. Jus try to focus on yourself and your husband. You've definitely earned it. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 11:21 AM
  #27
Thanks Mickey and Rose. That is what I feel too. I made one last effort, but I don't see the point in doing more. I am going to focus on my life with my husband. We have the big move coming up, so that is going to take up most of my energy in time in the near future. Its kind of nice to have that to focus on, to be honest.
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 01:17 PM
  #28
I hope you're doing better, rechu. Good on you for taking care of yourself. Be proud of yourself for that. You have already given many chances to your mother, after all. You did all you've had to do to se things right with her, but it takes two people to make this kind of thing. If she wants things to get better or apologize to you, she can still contact you anytime. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Feb 08, 2019 at 04:28 PM
  #29
I think you've discovered one of the great keys to living well. When you have something constructive to put your attention and energies into . .
something you've chosen as a project to advance your own goals . . . then something in your life that's distressing, like the impact of your mother's behavior, gets crowded out. That's the best thing that can happen.

Someone like your mother is looking to take up a lot of space in your mind. By acting distant, she's actually looking to get under your skin. She enjoys unsettling you. It's a kind of power. Her plan gets foiled when you are, basically, too busy to care. Good luck with the move.
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Default Feb 11, 2019 at 09:58 AM
  #30
Thanks Rose, yeah, she probably is trying to get into my head. I think I am doing better as far as not letting her.

In a way I find it amusing that she would hate the house we are buying. It’s new construction in a gated community where there are a few styles of houses to choose from. Basically, the prices of both rentals and houses for sale have gone up a lot in recent years due to a housing shortage, so after analyzing our options it was what works best for us. She was always a snob and would say it must be terrible to live in a place like that.

It’s her loss if she doesn’t want to have a relationship with her own daughter. If I start to feel a bit badly for her, I remember the hostile face and body language the last few times we skyped. It may sound weird, but the last time it was almost like you could sense the bitterness and toxicity festering inside of her, making her health so poor.

Hey even my husband who at first tried to blame the stroke recently turned to me and said, “that conversation with your mom, it was awful.” That it was!
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Default Feb 13, 2019 at 09:02 PM
  #31
It certainly is her loss. Your mom sounds like someone who clearly knows how to create her own purgatory. (Maybe your parents' friends canceling had a little bit to do with your mom's personality issues. Just a thought.) As life rolls on - and her health problems exacerbate - your mom will probably become an increasingly sad figure. That snobbish, superior attitude you've described is the classic facade behind which deeply insecure people hide. It's really she who doesn't feel "good enough." Early in life, she make have been the subject of a parent's withering criticism. So - what she received, she passes on. People don't get like her without help, IMHO.

What really distresses you is not the way your mom behaves toward you. It is the big, disappointing contrast between what you thought you could have with a mom, and what you actually have with this mom. Since you're independent and in a good marriage, your mom can't really hurt you. She's quite powerless. When you accept that she is who she is and she's not going to change . . . much, then you can let go of some of the hurtful disappointment. I don't think we can ever be sure of how much of a person's behavior is even under the person's control. (Not that I'm saying bad behavior should be endured. Limit your exposure.)

You've made a success of your life. You deserve approval. It's natural to crave that, as all sons and daughters do. She can give it, not for long. Always, she will yank it away. That's how my father could be at times. I wish I had understood things better when he was alive. That maybe he couldn't help it. That I didn't really need him to approve of me. Would have been nice, but not essential to my wellbeing. In retrospect I'm sorry for how he suffered . . . right up to the end. I feel more compassion for him now.
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Default Feb 14, 2019 at 12:38 PM
  #32
Good points as usual, Rose. I know people who say their mom is their best friend, things like that. It took work to accept that I won't have that kind of relationship, ever, but over time I have made peace with it. It is what it is, as they say.

From what she has mentioned at times, my grandmother was very critical of her when she was growing up. Sadly she has repeated the pattern.

And, yes, she is extremely insecure. She's the thinnest-skinned person I know, unable to handle the most minor criticism. Interestingly she has always loved to tell me I am the over-sensitive one. Projection, I guess.
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Default Feb 15, 2019 at 01:32 PM
  #33
Wow! You don't know how well you have just described my father. Same story: my grandmother was harsh.

Enjoy your successes . . . and that you probably won't continue the cycle. The negativity won't get passed on through you.
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