[lunatic soul]

I decided to put an end to my relatiobship.
I wrote about it here https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...e-forgive.html

I was thinking a lot about it.
I told my bf Im not happy with him. He said he isnt too. I took almost all of my things (I moved away from him almost two months ago). He asked me am I leaving him. I couldnt say yes seeing him and hugging him. I loved him so much and I still have feelings but these relationship destroys me and also him. We texted almost till the morning about us and how to save our relationship. Then I deleted my "engaged" status on fb.
Next day I got drunk and my bf asked me more then 5 times- if its over tell me now.
He pressed me to answer, I said yes its over. I wasnt sure, I was drunk, I felt pain and I dont know what is worse to be with him or without him. He said he took pills with alcohol and was lying on the train road. My friend said he is manipulating with me to get me back.
He said- if you still believe we could save our relationship, come to my T,if you want to end it, dont come.

What should I do? To see or not to see his T?
I feel like I cant believe its over but all my friends say that these relationship destroys me. Also they say my bf is really nice person but he controlls me, never trust me, hurt me and broke my trust in him by saying he will change.

I confessed him I took drugs because he hurt me so much and my dreams were destroyed but I wanted to stay with him because I loved him too much. He said he checked my veins because he was afraid Im taking heavy stuff but he was afraid to ask me. I hid it because I thought he may leave me but yesterday he said he wouldnt and he felt I was on drugs.
High doses of drugs (opiates) mixed with alcohol and benzos lead me to psychiatric hospital and doc said I could die but I knew this. I remember how I felt my breathing is weak, I knew I may not wake up. At hospital I went through hell.

Now Im free from drugs. Im taking antidepressants and mood stabilizers, also benzos because I was on high doses and it wasnt easy to get off if it.
When I left him I felt like I finally can breath but...
I still love him. I still have doubts maybe its big mistake to leave him.
Splitted feelings.

[TishaBuv]

This bf who ‘took pills and alcohol and lied on the train road’ was not a well person either. This is not the right kind of mate for you. You need someone healthy because you are not well. The last thing you need is a person who uses unhealthy behaviors to trigger you worse. You need a healthy person who is able to be a steady rock to stabilize you, if that is possible.

I can relate to what you have here. I am coming out of a similar relationship, except not on the same level of drugs and sui attempts, just dysfunction. My h also did not lift me, rather became angry, drunk, taking pills (only less dangerous...but still...), despondent, depressed and I am sure it was to manipulate me into staying just like yours did to you.

I am proud of you for having the self esteem to get away. Just be healthy. Maybe real love will come one day. Just love yourself for now and be good to yourself.

[winter4me]

Stay where you are. It is difficult but worth it to be with yourself for a time and then to move on to some new activities that will fill time and spark interests. People can change but don't often change a great deal----you are drug free and on meds, he is manipulating you but he is also hurting ---BUT he needs (as do you) to feel OK by and in himself before he can move forward, the relationship (for whatever reasons, you can't change them)sounds toxic----intoxicating at times I am sure but also a place of chaos and booby traps set by both sides without thinking---a relationship based solely on emotions is not healthy. It might seem dull at first, (think of him as a drug you need to get off) but try doing things with friends (or meetup groups aimed at activities not love-seeking---walking, hiking, movie going, just look for something you can do and might enjoy) ....It isn't easy but it is worth the effort. You said it all "I can finally breathe" --now you need distraction, support, and time to move on. Hang in there with yourself.

[lunatic soul]

Im afraid he may kill himself because he was texting suicidal phrases and acting like he was insane. He cut himself before.

Sometimes I feel heartless and evil. I left him after lying him for almost two months.
I fell in love with another man but he is married and knows about my bf. Also I wasn't unfaithful. I just fell in love with someone who saved me and became my friend, who gave me good emotions, also sad but maybe if I never met him I never left my bf.
I know it could be pain number two but Im not thinking about it now because Im thinking about my current relationship.

Its just too hard to say- you know, I have been lying you all the time and now after our romantic evening Im leaving you.
I am guilty about it. About my lies. He was totally shocked I leave him. But I dont see other way out.

[lunatic soul]

He send me pictures with texts about good times and things together. Only kind and lovely words. It breaks my heart. And Im thinking of going back to him

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

He send me pictures with texts about good times and things together. Only kind and lovely words. It breaks my heart. And Im thinking of going back to him

Don’t go back. If you do the drama will never stop and it will make you sick.

I’m feeling really sad for both my husband and for me right now. He’s adamant that he doesn’t want to lose me. This is when I have gone right back to him in the past, and it always goes bad again.

He can’t give me what I need. I can’t control myself to not throw tantrums over it no matter how I try. We have a stalemate.

You said the same thing about your relationship, too, basically.

[sky457]

Hi Lunatic, I had a longer post, but felt that it took away from your situation.

I agree with Tisha's statement about consistent drama making you sick. I hope you are able to resolve this difficult situation or make the necessary steps to overcome it.

[lunatic soul]

I left him. We were talking through extremally long emails like 6 pages of texts.
I feel weird. Its like I cant believe its over, I felt so free what I missed, I missed doing things I liked.
I feel sad and depressed. Leaving him makes me think about another man who is married and I know he wont leave his family, I even dont want him to leave them so its another sad story.
If I were happy with my bf (now ex bf), I would never fall in love with another, it happened when I was totally broken because of my ex.
Life sometimes seems unfair- I almost married a man who destroyed me, he was praying and swearing he will change but... He killed my love in my tears. And unfortunetely I fell in love with married man. Now Im trying get them both out of my head.

Thank you for supporting me. Its really painful to leave someone you loved. It still tortures me.

[sky457]

I’m sorry.....

I hope warmth, recovery, and steadiness for you.