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Old 02-26-2018, 03:53 AM   #1
datslothagain
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Default Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

To begin with, let me talk about our backgrounds a little. I'm a NT with depression and prone to being paranoid, grew up in a family with angry issue parent. He is an Aspie with PTSD from highschool bullying and has been dwelling in his room for over 7 years, he barely goes out and has only online friends.

I met my ex on a social network 2 years ago. At first we were just best friends, we only started dating a few months later on Nov 2016. We loved each others a lot. At last, it was him who broke up last month.

We both had responsibility on it. I never could truly moved on from what happened at our start - he flirted around on the site we met, kept in touch with those who once got sexual with him, got obsessed with certain girl etc. He explained later that was because he didn't know what should do in a relationship nor was taking it seriously, he then made a promise to me and had stopped flirting since. Yet that had enough to increase my trust issue and I started to assume and accuse him of ridiculous things.

We argued most of the time because of things that triggered me to complain, but he never listen. This was the cycle which caused the arguments: he did something> I told him that wasn't right to do for someone in a relationship and that made me sad> he refused to listen saying either "this is just internet trolling/for fun" "there is no issue" "i don't need to listen/ I don't care" > it irritated me so I went on explaining > then he found it more annoying and refused more saying "this is your own issue" or " whatever. move on" > of course I couldn't move on and I went on and on in wish he could listen. But that was I didn't understand his condition. I later found out that he was unable to understand the issues and the feeling I had towards them.

And after each argument like that, my insecurity got worse. I slowly started to do awful things like interrogating his schedule a lot or checking him up by messaging girls he had interacted to or making negative post on that site about him. Yes, I know I was really really terrible... I totally lost it at that time and have even become obsessive, possessive and manipulated in his eyes. At first, he still was always patient and forgiving enough to me although he got super annoyed. However, the time of our argument was way too much, We had even hit to an extent that he had been mentioned to break up for 4 times, yet he always came back saying "i love you, i don't want us to argue anymore" after a few days break. Ungratefully, I was all blinded by my negative emotion, got triggered by the slightest thing and complained and argued over and over again throughout the year. Last Christmas, we decided to meet to see if we could go on, we spent 2 weeks together and surprisingly had a really great loving time together but forgot to fix the issues. As soon as I went back home, I started arguing with him again daily because of my insecurity and he got fed up.

Despite all the arguments, we were all silly and sappy. We were in the same vein and still, got along so well and know each others enough to finish each other's sandwiches. In video games, we are a very good team even though I'm not as good as him. Staying up to talk or play video games was our weekend activity. On weekdays, we always had each other in the morning and evening. He told me he had never ever experienced the feeling "love" before he met me. When we met in person, he even cried for me on the last day, that was the only time he cried in about 8 years and the only time he did for someone.

After the split, I have done a deep self reflection, seeking for advice for improving myself and sorting my head out. I regret so much that I never truly knew about what is Asperger's Syndrome and regret so much that I bottled up all my negatives and unloaded onto him as I wanted him to be my only emotion support. Now I am learning how to deal with my depression, loving myself and staying positively. I have hope that I could handle any further issues in the future, I would accept his flaws and bring the best out of him. I came back appear positively asking if we could get back together but he said no determinedly and just wanted to be friends. There was another day he said he needed time, and another day he said no again, which is very confusing. At first when we were talking, he still sent love song and lyrics to me and talked about things I gave him. I have asked him the same for a few times really. The last time was weeks ago, which he was pissed the most, told me to find another man and move on and that we are not ever getting back together as he doesn't want it anymore. I told him that we could start new and I wanted to help him with his future and exploring the rest of our life together like those two weeks in Christmas by staying close together, he rejected me saying we could still be best friends to do those. He said he still loves me but not in love. And after that, he avoided all sentimental stuffs and pulled back, became very sensitive whenever we talked.

In the whole period from the day we split til now, I have took 2 really small breaks (2-4days) away from him in order to give him space and time. However, he still messaged me daily like he used to reporting to me what he did daily. Meanwhile, since we were famous couple on that site, he kept commenting around telling people that we aren't together anymore like I'm a plague. Also, there were some people the site asking about our relationship in our pm, some were even trying to help us out. I feel as though no-contact rule doesn't work on him but would pull us more distanced so I decided to talk to him again lately. It seemed okay although he would still brought up his annoyance from the past, I just stayed quiet or explained it with the least words then we talked about random things again. At first he still used our pet names that we made together when we were a thing, and sometimes he would still mention my body. I don't know if he still has feelings for me or if he was just on his spectrum... I have just stopped myself and others talking about anything in terms of our relationship. Still, it aches me whenever he talks to me as a friend. I'm haunted by this unreturned love, by the thought of him would be with another person. I fear if I say anything wrong would only push him away.

last week someone else on the site referred us as a thing and got him triggered, he showed very dismissed towards me now. We then talked about random stuffs and accidentally came across the topic. He was pissed thinking back of what happened, saying that he still couldn't see I have changed (this was totally misunderstanding since there were two users misused words). He said he hated me and hate it and never want to do this again, and said that he is going to find someone local and autistic. I tried to talk about things like "what made me so special?" "what we had in common?" "have I made him felt so bad?" in order to apologize to him for my past hurtful assumption and accusations. He didn't accept it but kept saying " irrelevant" and "doesn't matter now". He seems so hurting and got afraid of me. When I asked him why does he still talk to me, he said I am still his best friend. I feel so devastated now and want to be away a bit. So I was away again. When I got back, he had become talkative with many others now, it seemed I don't matter anymore.On Saturday, he messaged me for random stuffs and I responded so late, he dismissed me again, I asked for the reason and I burst out my feelings, he instantly found me annoying and said we aren't good for being friends or otherwise. But the next day he still messaged me again, and I ignored his message again. I feel as though we are really steeping to the end if I stop talking to him. If only he didn't dismiss me, It would be a better communication. How to fix this? I don't know what to do now.
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Old 03-01-2018, 03:30 PM   #2
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Smile Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

I'm sorry your relationship has come to this. I don't know as there is much in the way of advice I can offer. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though your relationship with this man may just be over. And as much as it may hurt, perhaps it's simply time to move on? You may want to simply close out of any websites the two of you share.

My personal opinion is that perhaps the thing you don't want to do is to chase this man. This may only drive him further away. The best thing to do, from my perspective, may be to simply wait & see what happens. If he comes back to you... great! But if he does not, there's probably nothing you can do to make it happen I'm afraid.

One thing you do need to consider is that this man clearly has his own issues. This is not all just about you. But if he is not ready & willing to work on his own issues, you can't save him from himself. Under those circumstances, it may be best if your relationship with him does not come back together... as much as that may hurt.

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to heal following a break-up:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/help-o...om-heartbreak/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-tip...-broken-heart/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/being-...ex-girlfriend/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...ver-a-breakup/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/recover...-and-breakups/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-...onship-crisis/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/lettin...up-or-divorce/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/insid...breakup-grief/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/bounc...om-a-break-up/

I wish you well...
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Old 03-02-2018, 06:26 PM   #3
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Default Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

I wish for you to be well, datslothagain, and that you are currently where you are wanting to be with you boyfriend (or ex boyfriend.)

I will preface that I am no expert on anything, especially Asperger Syndrome.

Also, much obliged to Skeezyks for listing such links of helpful info.

With that said, your boyfriend seems to exhibit emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation. Some examples are his denial of his actions, denial of his responsibility (in his actions and consequences,) marginalization (your views and feelings,) convincing you of guilt, convincing you of responsibility and probably other tactics.

Emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation are forms of control, which are unjustifiable and intolerable.

Your relationship also seems to be cyclical between being together and not being together while also being unhealthy during such a cycle because the effects of the cycle and abuse and manipulation are hurting, damaging and changing you (and probably of more than you are aware.)

He also seems to be hoovering because he continues to contact you during your breaks in your relationship and tells you that he is supportive of and offering change and improvement in himself, the relationship and how you two communicate, yet no change of improvements seem to be executed. Hoover is a further means of (increasing) control, abuse and manipulation of the victim.

He additionally seems to be devaluing you during your period of history of asking him about his past statements about his feelings for you. He seems to be dismissing them as if they are irrelevant and unimportant, which might be a sign of devaluation. If it is indeed devaluation, his actions are another attempt to hurt you, damage you and control you.

A possible next stage between you two is that he will discard you. Another option is that he will continue his psychological and emotional abuse and manipulation on you. Please, do not allow him to do so or accept his attempts to do so.

There are multiple alternatives as to what to do now and how to do what you choose to do. For example, you could explicitly tell him that your relationship is finished and to leave you alone (convey that to him how ever you decide.) Conversely, you could stay with him and try to figure out how to keep the relationship intact.

Unfortunately, there seems to be narcissistic behavior in your boyfriend. Even if it is not of narcissism, he is controlling you, which should not be tolerated because the effects are harmful to you psychologically and emotionally. Moreover, the control might reach a point of physical harm as well, not necessarily the act of him harming you, but maybe, you resort to physically inflicting pain upon yourself because you are that upset, emotionally and psychologically hurt and more. The effects of abuse and manipulation can be quite severe, including causing trauma.

Please think thoroughly and decide what you should do within how ever much time. The sooner is more helpful to you, especially because if you end it, he might attempt to be with you, regardless of the relationship being over, no contact, how ever many times you tell him to leave you alone and so on.

Please think of your well being (emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical.)
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Old 03-17-2018, 09:08 PM   #4
datslothagain
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Default Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

Quote:
Originally Posted by Skeezyks View Post
I'm sorry your relationship has come to this. I don't know as there is much in the way of advice I can offer. From what you wrote, it sounds to me as though your relationship with this man may just be over. And as much as it may hurt, perhaps it's simply time to move on? You may want to simply close out of any websites the two of you share.

My personal opinion is that perhaps the thing you don't want to do is to chase this man. This may only drive him further away. The best thing to do, from my perspective, may be to simply wait & see what happens. If he comes back to you... great! But if he does not, there's probably nothing you can do to make it happen I'm afraid.

One thing you do need to consider is that this man clearly has his own issues. This is not all just about you. But if he is not ready & willing to work on his own issues, you can't save him from himself. Under those circumstances, it may be best if your relationship with him does not come back together... as much as that may hurt.


I wish you well...
He did come back after saying that we weren't goof for being friends. He still approached me everyday to talk, we sometimes had enjoyable conversation, sometimes didn't. I would have the urge of bringing up the happy memories of the past and trying to talk about what caused our issues. We managed to talk about those a little at ease, but everytime he had to say "it doesn't matter anymore" at the end of the conversation, that triggered my emotion and I would either lash out or be quiet the whole day which ruined our situation even more.

Last sunday we argued about how unfair he treated me right now comparing to the other girl friend by doing voice chatting without hesitation even though he didn't speak anything just listen through his device (he always hesitated and postponed when we were together and needed to do it) I really didn't understand that. Later I found that he refereed me as a **** on a post of a friend the social media we were most active on. So I got pissed and made a post about the truth. We went go arguing on there and he ended it with "I never want to see you again". Then he unfriended me on ALL social media we shared. I just made it all worse.

Anyway thank you for link suggestion.
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Old 03-17-2018, 09:20 PM   #5
datslothagain
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Default Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

Quote:
Originally Posted by crushed_soul View Post
I wish for you to be well, datslothagain, and that you are currently where you are wanting to be with you boyfriend (or ex boyfriend.)

I will preface that I am no expert on anything, especially Asperger Syndrome.

Also, much obliged to Skeezyks for listing such links of helpful info.

With that said, your boyfriend seems to exhibit emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation. Some examples are his denial of his actions, denial of his responsibility (in his actions and consequences,) marginalization (your views and feelings,) convincing you of guilt, convincing you of responsibility and probably other tactics.

Emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation are forms of control, which are unjustifiable and intolerable.

Your relationship also seems to be cyclical between being together and not being together while also being unhealthy during such a cycle because the effects of the cycle and abuse and manipulation are hurting, damaging and changing you (and probably of more than you are aware.)

He also seems to be hoovering because he continues to contact you during your breaks in your relationship and tells you that he is supportive of and offering change and improvement in himself, the relationship and how you two communicate, yet no change of improvements seem to be executed. Hoover is a further means of (increasing) control, abuse and manipulation of the victim.

He additionally seems to be devaluing you during your period of history of asking him about his past statements about his feelings for you. He seems to be dismissing them as if they are irrelevant and unimportant, which might be a sign of devaluation. If it is indeed devaluation, his actions are another attempt to hurt you, damage you and control you.

A possible next stage between you two is that he will discard you. Another option is that he will continue his psychological and emotional abuse and manipulation on you. Please, do not allow him to do so or accept his attempts to do so.

There are multiple alternatives as to what to do now and how to do what you choose to do. For example, you could explicitly tell him that your relationship is finished and to leave you alone (convey that to him how ever you decide.) Conversely, you could stay with him and try to figure out how to keep the relationship intact.

Unfortunately, there seems to be narcissistic behavior in your boyfriend. Even if it is not of narcissism, he is controlling you, which should not be tolerated because the effects are harmful to you psychologically and emotionally. Moreover, the control might reach a point of physical harm as well, not necessarily the act of him harming you, but maybe, you resort to physically inflicting pain upon yourself because you are that upset, emotionally and psychologically hurt and more. The effects of abuse and manipulation can be quite severe, including causing trauma.

Please think thoroughly and decide what you should do within how ever much time. The sooner is more helpful to you, especially because if you end it, he might attempt to be with you, regardless of the relationship being over, no contact, how ever many times you tell him to leave you alone and so on.

Please think of your well being (emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical.)
Thank you for your analysis. I had sensed that he was kinda gaslighting me as well, as to taking vengeance on me because of what I did before.

As I said, I did awful things like interrogating his schedule a lot or checking him up by messaging girls he had interacted to or making tons of negative post on that site about him, and also I nagged him to make promises with me or else I acted up.. These were like manipulation/guilt tripping from his perspective I guess.

So the situation after breakup was just the other way around and understandable. It was his turn of acting up and I really wanted to fix it by staying his side. But as I replied to Skeezyks, now he had unfriended me everywhere, although he didn't block me and I still see him around on the site we go on the most. I guess I can't do anything now.
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Old 03-18-2018, 02:20 AM   #6
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Default Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

I was married to & living with a husband with asperger's (ASD) for 33 years. I can tell you that everything you have experienced was very similar to my experiences those 33 years. After leaving him 10 years ago it took me over 5 years to figure out what I had been dealing with all those years. My first psycholigist after I left (I moved 2100 miles away from him) suggested from the description of my experiences that he was most likely an aspie. It took me a few years & more irritations during the separation to push me into resesrching it deeper.

I hot the book "the complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood. There wasn't any of the behaviors that I didn't check off & it helped me unferstand why I reacted to his behaviors in the way I did. Yes, the book even says that their behaviors come across as narcissistic, passive aggressive. Put together with the fact that the psycholigist we both went to before I left had said that my husbsnd had thebemotional maturity of a 12 year old.

I will PM you with more information I don't care to share publically in the open forum.

Also remember that he keeps (or kept) communucating with you thebsame way he did before because with ASD, they get into routines that they are unable to easily break. It has nothing to do with feelings & everything to do with routine.

Your best option is to just let this relationship go because there is no way to FIX anything. There is no amount of ligical thinking that csn make their behavior or their thinking change because it is how their brain is wired.

My heart feels for what you are experiencing & you are not alone with others who have had similar relationships. Get the book & read it & you will understand that the problems & feelings you are experiencing are normal for relationships like the one you are dealing with.
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Old 03-18-2018, 07:15 AM   #7
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Default Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

Is this strictly online experience or you actually dated in real life? Have you ever actually met?
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Old 03-18-2018, 11:59 AM   #8
datslothagain
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Default Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
I was married to & living with a husband with asperger's (ASD) for 33 years. I can tell you that everything you have experienced was very similar to my experiences those 33 years. After leaving him 10 years ago it took me over 5 years to figure out what I had been dealing with all those years. My first psycholigist after I left (I moved 2100 miles away from him) suggested from the description of my experiences that he was most likely an aspie. It took me a few years & more irritations during the separation to push me into resesrching it deeper.

I hot the book "the complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood. There wasn't any of the behaviors that I didn't check off & it helped me unferstand why I reacted to his behaviors in the way I did. Yes, the book even says that their behaviors come across as narcissistic, passive aggressive. Put together with the fact that the psycholigist we both went to before I left had said that my husbsnd had thebemotional maturity of a 12 year old.

I will PM you with more information I don't care to share publically in the open forum.

Also remember that he keeps (or kept) communucating with you thebsame way he did before because with ASD, they get into routines that they are unable to easily break. It has nothing to do with feelings & everything to do with routine.

Your best option is to just let this relationship go because there is no way to FIX anything. There is no amount of ligical thinking that csn make their behavior or their thinking change because it is how their brain is wired.

My heart feels for what you are experiencing & you are not alone with others who have had similar relationships. Get the book & read it & you will understand that the problems & feelings you are experiencing are normal for relationships like the one you are dealing with.
I'm sorry that you had been through the same. And yes please feel free to shoot me a message anytime.
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Old 03-18-2018, 12:01 PM   #9
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Default Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
Is this strictly online experience or you actually dated in real life? Have you ever actually met?
We did meet last Christmas. We spent 2 weeks together, surprisingly got along so well and had a really great time together but forgot to talk out the issues.
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Old 03-18-2018, 03:14 PM   #10
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Default Re: Urgent SOS. Anyone please help me with this dilemma

Quote:
but forgot to talk out the issues.
if it is anything like my husband there was no forgetting, it would have been ALL avoidance. My divorce lawyer calls my husband an ostritch who sticks his head in the sand & will not deal with real issues.
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