[MatBell]

How do you feel if your sibling only contacted you when it was to their benefit or for birthdays and so on? I don’t talk to my sister, still it’s expected that I go to my nephews’ birthdays and the “special occasions”. I love the nephews but can’t take the selfishness of my sister who only contacts people when she van get something out of them. I’ve heard “Oh but she has three children and is exhausted”, I guess then you can’t care about other people when you have children.

I know we come from a broken home that have impacted us both. I don’t contact her either so I know I have faults too. But the thing of going along to these things that are always awkward and very uncomfortable (at Easter we practically ignored each other) gets to me. Why should I when we don’t have any relationship otherwise. She doesn’t know/care all the intense trouble I’ve gone through the last 1+ years and still want me to show up to a birthday or whatever? Just she can selfishly pretend there’s a family bond. I know it shouldn’t affect the children but her selfishness makes it unbearable for me.

I should also say that we didn’t speak for the whole of last year, again because she only used me for babysitting. One day, when I was dealing with a lot of my own stuff, it got too much and I texted back “that’s all I’m good for?”. I still don’t regret I put my foot down. I could have tackled it better but, as I said, I was dealing with a lot of my own stuff and was not in a good place.

So am I unreasonable here and how would you act?

So she wants you to go to her family get togethers but doesn't talk to you there? No, you don't have to go. You can do what you want! There were times in my life that I stopped going to family functions. Some people were upset by it, they didn't get it. But I did what was best for me. And yeah, i does sound like some of the things you;ve said to her out of frustration, maybe she was taken aback. There are ways of getting your point across without being hostile.

[Shazerac]

Sometimes when we finally start putting our foot down as you called it, it can come out as inelegant and hostile. But that’s ok. You will learn how to take care of yourself more calmly if you keep at it. There is no reason to go to a family get together if it is not good for you. Politely decline and go on about your life.

[SeekerSeeking]

I don’t think you are being unreasonable—you are entitled to your feelings. I’ll answer ow I would act at the end of this…

You said “I don’t contact her either,” so you two are even on this score.
You also said, “…we don’t have any relationship otherwise.” It is not uncommon for family members to not have close relationships. Siblings mature and grow under different learning experiences. We are all in different spots on this road of life. You can’t choose family—they are just there. The expectation that you ‘should’ be close is limiting and false.

Can you figure out what is behind her behavior? Understanding it doesn’t mean you like it or accept it—but it could give you an edge to respond in a way that causes less conflict.

Also, this one is HUGE for me—“Do not take it personally.” Her decisions and actions are all about her. I am so much happier not taking things personally.

Sounds like you both came from a broken home and that may contribute to both of your feelings and actions. She may not exhibit the damage the way you do.

Having three kids IS exhausting… you heard that and extrapolated that she “can’t care about other people when you have children. And that thought hurts you—why not deduce that her resources for reaching out to others is severely limited by the care of said kids? That thought would not make you feel badly. Often it is what we tell ourselves about an event that hurts us.

Sounds like you and your sister still have a lot of unresolved emotional issues—and that can be hurtful and tiring.

What would I do? If I loved her kids—I’d go for her kids. And for her kids, I would ignore any words of actions that might trigger me. I’d make it all about the kids—and they might need their aunt as they mature; they might need your ear, advise, and shoulder.

But again, that’s what I would do. And if you do not do that—it is okay. You can only do what you can do. So, if you don’t—don’t beat yourself up about it.

Namaste’

[Open Eyes]

Hi Matbell, your sister's behaviors are simply showing "what she knows", and being that she is a young mother, she is also learning about being a parent and as she is learning that, she is trying to also figure out how to do birthdays and other celebrations for them too. If she doesn't talk to you at these events, it's important to understand that what this behavior really means is "she doesn't really know how" and when people don't know "how" to do things they tend to "avoid". Both you and your sister don't interact because neither of you know "how" and often this does happen when growing up in a dysfunctional family too. Often in dysfunctional families, the children can feel lost because they literally don't see enough "positive" interactions taking place in their parents and how they interact with each other may be "unpleasant" too so a child can struggle in that area too and have get together's and celebrations yet genuinely don't know how to actually engage the individuals that come to these celebrations.

While your sister only seems to engage with you when she needs help with something, it's important to understand this is really all she "knows" how to interact with you. It really has nothing to do with "oh she is busy with children and must be tired etc. either". While that is partly true, the real truth is that she distances because she really doesn't know how to engage with you and as you have mentioned, you don't know either. It's always nice to have people "care" about us, however, MOST of the time the reason people don't show us that is because they genuinely "don't know how".

I am going to say simply don't go. Take ownership of this.

You say you are fond of your nephews. What if you were to observe their special days with a card or gift?