[lonelynotalone]

I've posted on another forum before, and received no help, no support, no similar stories, and certainly didn't come across any nice people. I was blamed and I felt disrespected. I'm hoping my experience on Psychcentral will be different...

For almost eleven years I have not had many long-term friendships, and the short-term friendships have been very scarce.

In the past few years I have had to learn to accept and enjoy my own company. I like my solitude, and at least I know what I'm going to get from myself. However, I am still human, and loneliness can really take a hold of me, which it has done recently. To an unhealthy extent, I have felt this desperate need to find friendship. Having no success in that area has made me depressed, amongst other issues in my life.

I’ve been wanting friendships in the “real world”, as I have not had any since I was fourteen years old. Unfortunately circumstances (anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, etc) prevented this, so I resorted to online. Once those circumstances cleared up a little, I was able to socialise a little more, showcase who I was to people. Nothing ever came of the effort I made to connect with people, to make a friend. So…I went back to the online world.

I had conversations with people, but none that ever lasted a few months. I tried being less shy, less reserved, less blunt. I opened up to people, talked about a variety of things, asked questions, listened to what people had to say, I thought I did my best at communicating with people. But, no one ever seemed to take much interest. I was just desperately trying to talk and be a certain way to certain people just to interest someone, anyone, and it never worked. I don’t mean to say that I ever pretended to be someone else, I just simply tried to do and say the right things all the time, when I thought I was saying and doing all the wrong things in the past. But nothing ever changed.

In recently weeks, I discovered a pen pal website. One of many I have been on, but this one “seemed” different. It was where people advertised their email, and to whoever was interested in being a potential friend or pen pal they could send through an email. To my mind, this seemed like a guaranteed way of making friends. These people were specifically looking for someone to talk to and connect with; I thought this was my chance!

So, I read through many profiles, finding people who I thought I shared similar interests and ideas with, and I emailed them individual personalised messages. All up, I emailed fifteen people. I was so excited. I was hopeful, even though being hopeful has never helped me in the past. And unfortunately, this time was no different. Three people responded to me; two were blunt, disinterested, didn’t bother to ask me any questions like a pen pal would, and then eventually they just stopped replying to me. So that left one person. One out of fifteen! Even after these people were looking for people to talk to, they still don’t bother to answer or contribute to a conversation? It just boggled my mind and completely deflated me again.

However, still stupidly wanting to be hopeful, I signed up to a different site dedicated to friendships. Again, I found people who seemed similar to me, who I could easily start a conversation with. Writing ten individual messages to ten different people, I just sat back and waited for a few days. Three responded; again, never bothered to ask me questions despite me asking them several to keep a conversation going; they responded to my questions and personal notes with short sentences and lack of interest.

I’ve tried all that I can. I have messaged so many people, written so many personalised messages, dedicated so much time and effort, opened myself up more than ever for so many years and yet I’ve got nothing to show for it. What do people want? I just don’t understand. I know I must sound like I'm coming across as needy, but I know that I don't project that feeling onto people I message; I'm polite and straight to the point with messages, showing an interest in the people rather than talking too much about myself.

All I’ve ever wanted was friendship. I’ve not always been desperate for it; I thought I’d let things happen naturally, happen when they’re meant to happen. Nothing ever came of it. So I took action, put myself out there, and still nothing comes of it.

Should I just stop trying? I'm starting to wonder if being myself just isn't good enough anymore. But I refuse to change or mould myself into someone else just to try to make people interested enough to give me the time of day. I am who I am, and I believe I have a lot to offer, but no one gives me the chance to show this.

Wow... I can't believe more people haven't responded. You sound like a great friend. Feel free to PM me. I joined a friendship site last week and spend a full day working on it.. no bites. I swear the game of these sites are to get you to do a profile then claim they have a lot of members. But no one is active because no one is on it. This board is a pretty good one. Stick around. It might take a while for people to get to know you and respond.

[TishaBuv]

Hello and welcome to PC!

It’s good that you are trying to reach out and still have a positive attitude.

I don’t know why it’s so hard to make friends. It’s like everyone is too busy and has their own agenda. Maybe the internet actually hurt society from being human.

[healingme4me]

I see this is your first post, Welcome to PC!

Oh how bizarre, sites dedicated to penpals and yet not active like they claim. That's beyond disappointing. Plus someone signing up and not being responsive in a way that shows effort or interest in what being a pen pal is all about. Frustrating indeed.

What about meetup? I've heard so much positives about that. I know my dad and his new wife just went to an event as part of their group. I've actually met some from their group. Very sociable and pleasant to be around.

As a new member, your 1st 5 posts are held for moderation. Then after 5, your posts are posted as you hit that button. Plus the chat rooms tend to be active and available to you from that point, if I'm not mistaken. I think 3 posts for pm's? It's late here for me and I'm really need to refresh on the faq on those numbers I'm writing about.

Hope you find the support you need.

[lonelynotalone]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Wow... I can't believe more people haven't responded. You sound like a great friend. Feel free to PM me. I joined a friendship site last week and spend a full day working on it.. no bites. I swear the game of these sites are to get you to do a profile then claim they have a lot of members. But no one is active because no one is on it. This board is a pretty good one. Stick around. It might take a while for people to get to know you and respond.

Thank you for the welcome! I understand; I've spent hours upon hours on friendship sites and no results. It's just very strange. I hope to stick around here.

[lonelynotalone]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I see this is your first post, Welcome to PC!

Oh how bizarre, sites dedicated to penpals and yet not active like they claim. That's beyond disappointing. Plus someone signing up and not being responsive in a way that shows effort or interest in what being a pen pal is all about. Frustrating indeed.

What about meetup? I've heard so much positives about that. I know my dad and his new wife just went to an event as part of their group. I've actually met some from their group. Very sociable and pleasant to be around.

As a new member, your 1st 5 posts are held for moderation. Then after 5, your posts are posted as you hit that button. Plus the chat rooms tend to be active and available to you from that point, if I'm not mistaken. I think 3 posts for pm's? It's late here for me and I'm really need to refresh on the faq on those numbers I'm writing about.

Hope you find the support you need.

I have tried meetup, but have never been able to find anyone or any group that is in or near where I live, which is a shame.

Thank you very much for the welcome and kind words!

[cool09]

Have you sought professional help to help with you with anxiety? I'm the same way. I haven't had many friends since 13 due to my problems and I've always been a loner. This has gotten me a lot of insults in the workplace. Now I'm on SSDI and rarely leave my house.

[eskielover]

I lived in Los Angeles for 54 years if my life. Had many acquaintances in the different things I was involved in but no friends. Somehow big city was not a good environment for me & the husband I was married to for 33 of tbose years was socially inept which didn't help.

I left & moved to a small town 2100 miles away where I knew no one at the time. 10 years later I have developed many good friendships at msny different levels in all the areas I am involved with. The people in this area just seem to be much easier to have good relationships with & even if we don't call & talk all the time we are constantly in contact about things through FB, messenger, email, or texting....& I have a few really close friendships that have developed. Environment for me was key & I realized that all my lufe I lived with oeople who didn't emotionally connect so it was simething that was inside if me but I had to learn how & find what was deeply hidden inside of me & behind the walls I had built to protect myself.

[continuosly blue]

“ To thine own self be true “. Being yourself is something that you don’t change just to make friends, ( unless you have a lot of traits that will just turn people off ). I’ve found another truism over the years to be true. If you wind up having 2 good REAL friends by the end of your life you will have been an extremely lucky person. I’ve been socially isolated for many years and that’s why I have no REAL friends. You do have to get out there somehow. You have to take risks. I believe a lot is left to chance and circumstances. There are many factors involved.
Sometimes I found that “friendships “ can lead to disappointment or bad outcomes. Maybe it’s not so bad being alone. Although I’m really never alone.
I feel the presence of loved ones that have passed on to be with me always.
Serenity is what I seek. With or without people.
There is one thing I’ve learned for sure. Most people, not all, are very self centered and just concerned about their own wants and needs. That’s just the way it is. Maybe you’ll get lucky. You can PM me anytime if you need to talk.
Good luck to you....

Common issues and interests can sometimes spark friendships. Many of us here are dealing with the issues of depression and anxiety (probably agoraphobia too but I don't know what this is ). Perhaps post on these forums--when I first came to PC I posted on the depression forum and got to know a few people going through the same feelings. Since then, some of those friends have come and gone but the emotional support we gave to each other at the time was real to me (and I assume it was for them too!)

When I think of my most meaning past relationships--we always found we had something (perhaps it was only one thing but we were passionate about it.) in common that we enjoyed doing and/or talking about. Sometimes we were working toward common goals or had the same dreams for the future. I also had a friend that was in a terrible motorcycle accident (I met her after it happened) and I admired what a go getter she was in spite of what she still needed to overcome and just would sit with her in class (college) etc. She always wanted to do things I was doing that were not easy for her to do and I loved that about her.

I do not have many IRL friends now but I think having suffered from serious depression and anxiety since 2011 (and I had slowly been sinking into it before that) really disrupted all my significant relationships. I feel like I am slowly climbing out of a deep hole hoping to get back to normalcy. Hope, enthusiasm and just "having a life" are so important to good friendships. By "having a life"--I mean having something going on in your life (an activity) that is meaningful enough to you that you want to share it. When I was at my most depressed -- most of the things that occupied my mind were things I was ashamed about. I was so ashamed of some of the things I had done and not accomplished that I hid my true self away for a while. It is so hard to become close to someone when you are guarded!

So anyways--your depression and anxiety may have contributed to your lack of friends. And many people in this world do not want to be more than friendly acquaintences. Please do not blame yourself for not having friends. Friendship takes two!!!!