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Ceyhun
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Confused Mar 15, 2018 at 09:23 AM
  #1
I am a 37 years old single man from Iran living in Istanbul/Turkey. I am a civil engineer. One day, while wandering in a dating site I came across this lady's profile. I sent her a message and we met after a couple of days. She is a 36 years old divorced lady with no children. She works as a teacher of low IQ children who need special education/training. Her previous marriage (which lasted for 8 years or so) had not been a successful one because of a number of reasons. The most important reason, from what she says, was her ex-husband's gambling habits and that he (who was also a teacher) was a very depressed guy. Another reason has been his love messages to her friends and colleagues. Altogether, from what I can judge, he must have been a guy with several problems.
However, she had not given up easily and had fought for saving her marriage for a long time. Because they had been in a real love for a year o two. However, from what she says, everything had ended for her after the first 2-3 years but, she wanted to examine any possible way. Nonetheless, they have formally gotten divorced from 8 months ago.
When we met for the first time in a cafe, I noticed that I can like her. Moreover, from my point of view, she was even more enthusiastic. Our second meeting, which was also in a public place, went very well too and I told her I have no problem in getting into a serious relationship or even marriage with a divorced lady. Nevertheless, after that meeting, she restricted our communications and messaging. She started telling me that she is not feeling very ready for a relationship although she loves to make a family and have children and that she has liked me. However, I insisted for a third meeting because I felt that it could help. It really did help and we spent the weekend at my home. The weekend went on very romantic. However, problems began again from the day after. It has been 10 days or so that we have not been meeting. She describes her situation via a few messages which have been passed between us like this:
She says that I am the most valuable man who has ever entered her life. That I am a very kind and thoughtful person. That I am not the problem but she is not ready for a relationship with anyone. She says that she is not ready to take responsibilities for any man and fulfil expectations of any person. She says that she does not feel happiness from anything but does not feel sadness from anything either. She says that she feels like being neutral to anything around her. That she does not notice the details she noticed before, that she does not pay much attention to her colleagues' words, that she loves her job but feels that she is working like a robot nowadays...She also says that the only feeling she is actually certain about is fury. She feels very furious! She does not feel in a mood to flirt and has decided to restrict her communications with me to stop giving me useless hope...
Well, this is our case. I have assured her that I am ready to wait till she passes this stage. I have said several times that I am ready to support her in her fight against her problems. I say that my hand is extended to her and what she needs is only to take that hand... The problem is that I see she is suffering from her psychological situation also. That she is wishing she was ready but, she cannot help it.
I feel confused. Shall I just give up or is there a way yet to save this relationship? I appreciate any help or advise, particularly from a specialist.
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graystreet
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Default Mar 15, 2018 at 12:09 PM
  #2
There aren’t any mental health specialists on the forums, unfortunately, just us.

Telling someone on a second date that you want a serious relationship, even marriage, with them is moving things along quickly. For someone like her, who is likely just trying to take things slow after a marriage of 8 years in which she was hurt by her spouse, it can be a turn-off. She may like you very much, but feel both unsure of herself and that you are coming on too strong. However, she may also be saying the things she said to be polite.

In any case, it seems that she has made herself clear in that she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship at this time, and you should respect this. Pursuing her further will push her away.
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Ceyhun
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Smile Mar 15, 2018 at 12:42 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by graystreet View Post
There aren’t any mental health specialists on the forums, unfortunately, just us.

Telling someone on a second date that you want a serious relationship, even marriage, with them is moving things along quickly. For someone like her, who is likely just trying to take things slow after a marriage of 8 years in which she was hurt by her spouse, it can be a turn-off. She may like you very much, but feel both unsure of herself and that you are coming on too strong. However, she may also be saying the things she said to be polite.

In any case, it seems that she has made herself clear in that she doesn’t want to pursue a relationship at this time, and you should respect this. Pursuing her further will push her away.
You were great friend! Yes, I think you are right. I need to give her space and give this relationship some time. Or maybe, I shall just give up.
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Default Mar 15, 2018 at 01:55 PM
  #4
I think it's best to let go and pursue other relationships. She is not ready and if you push her, she will walk away from you. You also don't know how long it could take her to be ready. It could be a whole year and several casual relationships later. Move on and find someone who is ready.
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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 02:36 AM
  #5
Thank you golden eve for sharing your ideas with me. Yes, if someone is not ready, all your efforts will be in vain. I talked to her again, after getting some ideas from you buddies. She told me once more that she likes me however, she is not ready for a relationship. I am not a therapist for sure but, I can say she might be suffering from depression or some other psychological problem. Consequently, I gave up. It was sad for both of us. We both wished the relationship could work. So, it was a sad breakup. We wished the best wishes for each other and said goodbye to each other. That was very sad but, life continues...
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