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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 12:20 PM
  #1
Can you be friends with someone who has drastically different opinions, morals or values from your own?

I am an opinionated loud mouth. I will say what I believe, un-apologetically, while not ramming it down peoples throats. I'm always up for a solid debate and my friends know this about me. I have friends of different faiths, from different countries, different political views, etc and I love the diversity. I guess as an example: I am agnostic. I would NEVER tell someone their religion is wrong, but I would be open to discussion/debate/etc if the other person was too. Just because I have a strong opinion, that doesn't mean I'm right.

So what's the problem? Well a friend last night revealed that he is a homophobic white supremacist. I really like him as a person, but this made me want to puke. It directly conflicts with my own beliefs and I feel VERY strongly about it.

So where do you draw the line between being tolerant of views that don't match your own and kicking people to the curb? I'm not asking for opinions on the above specific situation. I just want to know where your limit is.
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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 03:34 PM
  #2
I can be friends with those that have different opinions and values.Not someone with completely different morals though.That's where I draw the line.
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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 03:38 PM
  #3
I have a lot of friends who have different opinions and prefer it that way.

My boyfriend has political views that are very different from mine. It is hard sometimes to live with someone who has those kinds of views. People's opinions can change over time, too - it's not static.
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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 04:57 PM
  #4
I know you said that you wanted opinions on "general limits" when it comes to friendships, but I have to say in regards to your situation I would ABSOLUTLEY back out of that friendship. I mean, that's my own personal opinion you know?

A person's choices and beliefs are absolutely their rights, but I draw the line when it affects me personally and it hurts my heart. In my opinion, the fact that what that friend said about being a homophobic white supremicist made you feel like puking is a good indicator of how you feel about being friends with him. What I am saying is, since you feel so STRONGLY about this issue, it will keep coming up and bugging the crap outta you if you continue a freindship with him. Like it will always be that nagging thought in the back of your mind festering as you communicate with him, you follow me?

Hope that helps my friend, good luck!

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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 05:27 PM
  #5
This is where I would draw the line: What is the answer to this question? Would your homophobic white supremacist friend extend the same kindness to, lets say, a gay muslim from Pakistan? or a lesbian from Nigeria? If he is only being nice to his 'own kind' and not to 'others' well..... we got a problem

While I cannot change anyone's opinion or expect them to believe or think a certain way, I do sincerely hope that people make the choice of putting their ego and personal beliefs aside and treat everyone equally.

I have my own biases as well however it is my duty, as a world citizen, to show the same amount of kindness regardless of race, color, religion, creed, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, ancestry, age, disability, etc....

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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 05:32 PM
  #6
Moral values is something that I don’t compromise on. Somebody having different political views is fine. Moral values: no. Especially if someone’s moral values are discriminatory of others. People have rights to have their values and I have my rights not to associate with them.

Most certainly I am not friends with white supremacists. We choose friends. Why would I choose someone like that for a friend?
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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 08:18 PM
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Overall it doesn't matter to me as long as that person has an open mind and is willing to admit they're wrong sometimes, within reason of the subject. I generally just don't bother with known racists/homophobes/extremely religious folks, but if I didn't know that about someone I consider a friend and I find out in casual conversation I do confront them on it. I don't expect to bend minds and know that I'm not right all of the time, I just want to know I'm being considered and someone with a closed mind won't hear you. Some of my best discussions have been with people who had opposing views on religion and politics simply because we didn't immediately shut each other out after realizing the differences.
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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 08:49 PM
  #8
You might want to look at it in terms of "economy costs". You can spend some time with Friend A, or you can spend some time with Friend B. You have to make a choice, one or the other. Your time IS limited. Which would you rather? What augments you? What doesnt?
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Default Mar 16, 2018 at 08:58 PM
  #9
Oddly, my ex told me the other day how awkward and uncomfortable a friend's grown son's switch into outwardly expressing the views of your friend made him. They live states apart and he told me he was unfollowing this fellow without a scene. Never expected to ever hear him say something like that to me, but..yeah...
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 01:24 AM
  #10
That's a bit of a tough one because it personally doesn't align with any of my morals either.

If this friend is able to put aside his views and not opinionated them on you, then there might be some small chance of a friendship.
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 03:23 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by TheSadGirl View Post
Can you be friends with someone who has drastically different opinions, morals or values from your own?

I am an opinionated loud mouth. I will say what I believe, un-apologetically, while not ramming it down peoples throats. I'm always up for a solid debate and my friends know this about me. I have friends of different faiths, from different countries, different political views, etc and I love the diversity. I guess as an example: I am agnostic. I would NEVER tell someone their religion is wrong, but I would be open to discussion/debate/etc if the other person was too. Just because I have a strong opinion, that doesn't mean I'm right.

So what's the problem? Well a friend last night revealed that he is a homophobic white supremacist. I really like him as a person, but this made me want to puke. It directly conflicts with my own beliefs and I feel VERY strongly about it.

So where do you draw the line between being tolerant of views that don't match your own and kicking people to the curb? I'm not asking for opinions on the above specific situation. I just want to know where your limit is.
They say "blood is thicker than water" (A song I really like ) and this is why--if a friend or acquaintence was saying this I would likely not want to take time to be friends. If it was a new development in a long friendship, I might stand back and wait it out. In the case of family, there are times (like the holidays) that you just have to tolerate it.

I also want to mention that I have seen cases where young people (middleschool ages come to mind) try out different POVs (it seems like a sort of rebellion of how they were raised) but then after a few years, they leave it all behind. So sometimes it can be appropriate to "tolerate" a POV for a while and see if the family member truly, deep down inside are what they are professing to be or if they are just exploring/experimenting in order to find their place in the world. Of course, you take the time to tell them why you think their POV is wrong but usually, you cannot change someone's mind in the short term about beliefs like these.
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 06:00 AM
  #12
I think family and friends is a different thing. I am not sure why it’s being compared.

This is likely not a life time best friend either, otherwise OP would already know his extreme views.
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 06:15 AM
  #13
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Originally Posted by unaluna View Post
You might want to look at it in terms of "economy costs". You can spend some time with Friend A, or you can spend some time with Friend B. You have to make a choice, one or the other. Your time IS limited. Which would you rather? What augments you? What doesnt?
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I think family and friends is a different thing. I am not sure why it’s being compared.

This is likely not a life time best friend either, otherwise OP would already know his extreme views.
Perhaps -- in that case, I agree with unaluna POV. As an adult, friendships are usually not that convenient so why waste your time?
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 06:23 AM
  #14
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 06:41 AM
  #15
The moral compass of a person and their veracity to follow it is the main trait I look for in a friend.

Why would you want to be friends with a deplorable? Sure, they need our help and kindness so they can get reprimanded, and hopefully eventually cured. But on equal footing friends?
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 07:22 AM
  #16
I made friends with someone at work because work demanded it. He was spiritual and it made him stuck in his ways. He didn't agree with some things about myself but we found a common ground. He was very smart and he thought he was more mature than I was (which was probably true). It's still awkward to think about.

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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 01:07 PM
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I made friends with someone at work because work demanded it. He was spiritual and it made him stuck in his ways. He didn't agree with some things about myself but we found a common ground. He was very smart and he thought he was more mature than I was (which was probably true). It's still awkward to think about.
What kind of workplace demands you make friends with coworkers? I understand demanding you are courteous and polite, but friends? They can’t possibly demand that.
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 01:10 PM
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Perhaps -- in that case, I agree with unaluna POV. As an adult, friendships are usually not that convenient so why waste your time?
True. Friendships could be very important at any age (even if not very convenient). I value my friendships. But I chose who to be friends with. Since like you and unaluna said time is limited, should my precious time be spend with white supremacists and homophobes? Or people with better values?
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Default Mar 17, 2018 at 01:19 PM
  #19
If i don’t talk about my differences with someone then i am perfectly fine with being friends with them. Usually the people i disagree with opinion wise i just stick around with to have a good time and that’s it.

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Default Mar 18, 2018 at 07:02 AM
  #20
I can't deal with people who have different morals, values, or political views than me. One of the reason I stopped talking to my mom. It's the reason I married my husband, all of our morals, values and political views line up pretty well. I love volunteering for the campaign I am cause I know I'm around like minded people. I go to the UU Fellowship I go to because I know I'm around like minded people. I can always tell who's gonna turn into the fellowship by the bumper stickers haha. I don't have time to be friends with people that are just gonna make me mad in the end. I will be nice to people and kill people with kindness but that doesn't mean I'm their friend. I might go home and scream afterwards though.
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