[graystreet]

I went to my pdoc (well, she's a nurse practitioner but whatever) today and she gave me a script for something for anxiety. Just waiting for it to be filled.

I can't get out of this rut--just circling, circling, thinking about how he lied and cheated. And I can't stop looking at her page. Watching him flirt with her like he does. Watching her eat it up. Thinking about how, when I messaged her and told her what was going on, she said, "I'm sorry he's doing this to you."

I'll bet he didn't lie to her. I'll bet she knew about me. I'll bet he told her that he was stuck in a thing with a horrible woman that he just couldn't get out of, and she was all too willing to make him feel better.

And here's me, feeling like I am the horrible woman. I know that everyone keeps telling me it's a lie. But then again, he is kind to other people. He's been in long term relationships. I sit here, yet again, feeling totally alone and desperate for some way to not feel so desperately alone.

I told my pdoc today that I had a little bit of fight, determination, and dignity in me before this all happened. And he took it...it's just...gone. I don't feel like I can fight against my mental illness anymore. I feel like all of the things he said are correct.

I'm sorry I am posting so much. I just don't know where else to go.

[healingme4me]

Betrayal is so difficult to recover from.

[Bill3]

[graystreet]

My friends and sister keep reminding me of the absolutely despicable things he did to me... leaving me to sleep in my car, leaving me in Knoxville... a few other really personal situations I won't go into. I'm trying to remember that, regardless of what I said and did to him, how I may have text bombed when he disappeared yet again, how I may have stressed him out how I was "just too sick to talk to," I didn't deserve to be lied to and cheated on. It was the one thing I asked him not to do. The first night we spoke on the phone after deciding to enter into this thing, "J, I know we'll fight and you might leave. But just don't screw me over, please. It's all I ask. If there is even the hope of another woman, let me go. Please." He said, "Well, I certainly hope I don't. And I understand how you feel...I will." So, why? What was the point? To leave me as broken and empty as possible?

I'm trying to hold to the fact that, even after everything blew up, after what went down in Knoxville and how cruel he was that night (before I knew about her and that it was all a lie), I still wanted things to end well. Civilly. This was my friend. I kept asking him that when he was raging at me, telling me to prostitute myself for Uber fair, "We don't work, we obviously cannot tolerate a relationship and that's fine I'm ready to go. But I was your friend...how can you say these things? Can we just NOT? Can't we end this in a civil way before I go home?" Even the morning after, after sleeping in my car in his parking lot (after he said he'd let me sleep on his couch), I texted him and said hey listen, we blew up. We obviously aren't going to speak again, I'm sorry for my part. Why don't we just get a coffee and just say goodbye.

But he was so vitriolic. I said to him that Sunday, how can you tell me I'm beautiful, and then an hour later hate me so much you're telling me to suck **** to get home? He said, "I don't hate you." Then offered to let me sleep on his couch. And then never answered his door. And then, the next day, didn't tell me, in all the texts, that he'd found my driver's license (which I wouldn't have been able to get a hotel room without let along DRIVE legally). I ended up going over there to drop something off and he handed me an envelope with my license. I said, "Do you think this would have been important to tell me about?" He said, "Yep." And slammed the door. It was like he was going to mail it to me, but there is no post office that would have been able to read the address the way he'd written it on there. He didn't give a crap about my safety or well being. And I know people keep saying he was a bad guy but why? Why did this have to happen? Dammit. It was so unnecessary. Pick on someone closer to home. Why pick on me?

I'm trying to hang onto the fact that, whatever happened, I didn't lie or cheat. And I wanted to at least try and end it in a civil manner, with a goodbye after all these years.

I told him later, "I guess I'm just thrown on the trash heap with the rest of the women you claimed to care deeply about, and then claimed hurt you so irreparably you can't function normally in a relationship." I don't think he liked that. I don't care.

[Bill3]

I'm sorry, graystreet.