Emotionally Unsupportive Husband

All,
I am (hoping to change that to "was") an emotional abuser. Prolonged anger, ignoring, silent treatment, guilting, manipulating. Just belittling in general. I did this to multiple people that I am close to. My wife, whom I have always loved dearly, took the brunt of it for years and more so in past months. I told her in November after an argument about parenting our teen daughter that I didn't love her and told her to leave me alone. She listened faithfully, as abused wives do, since then. I've been in a strong dislike with myself for years and as it came to a head one sleepless night on the couch I had what I can only call an epiphany. Realising that all my problems (and my family's) were indeed MY problems. I realised how I push people away **** hurt them. In a way it felt good to think that I have a say in my bad relationships. I can "not be an a-hole" if I want. I was also grief stricken at the thought of what my strong beautiful wife has gone through at my hand. If another man treated her that way I'd probably kill him. I jumped up I woke her up in tears and apologized. I promised change. I outlined how I would make the change. In her sleep, and shock induced stuper she made it clear she's been so free and happy without me. Could I blame her? I do love her and feel like I can give her what a wonderful wife deserves. Of course she doesn't believe that for a second. I however am all consumed with the idea of "making it up to her". And I believe I can, except she won't let me near her. I try to talk, I made breakfast, ask about her day, compliment her, try to support her decisions. All of which upset her greatly. She has referred to me as repulsive and demanded I take off my wedding ring. What can I do to be the man she wants/deserves? And how do I show her that I love her unconditionally and without judgement?

Hello Jp: I'm sorry your marital relationship has come to this point. Sadly, some of what you wrote is familiar to me in terms of my own behavior over the years. Unfortunately, I don't know as I have any particularly good answers for you here. The obvious answer, I suppose, is couples counseling if your wife would agree to it. Beyond that, you might also consider some individual counseling or therapy for yourself.

I take it, from what you wrote, your wife is not asking you for a divorce... at least not yet. She just wants to be left alone. It may be that the best thing to do is to simply accede to her wishes. Perhaps do a few kind things, here-&-there, to try to demonstrate your new-found illumination. But I do think it is probably true that you can go too far with this... sort of the pendulum swinging too far in the opposite direction, so to speak. Your marriage has developed to its present state over quite a number of years I would presume. It will take time for it to change, if in fact change is even possible at this point.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! May I suggest you introduce yourself to the membership as a whole in our New Members Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. One additional forum that may be of interest to you would be the men's forum:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/men-focused-support/

Here are links to a couple of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of handling anger & resentment in relationships. Perhaps some of the information in them can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-7-...relationships/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-a-...onship-crisis/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-ways...your-marriage/

I wish you both well...

It sounds like your wife may be exasperated with you/your behaviors.

I suggest couples counseling, if she's interested in sorting things out. Counseling can help couples to stay together or help them to part ways sanely.

I am sorry for the situation you have created together.
I hope each of you will build healthy relationships in the future.

Take care,

WC

I agree with the others about counseling if she is willing. You can’t fix a damaged relationship over night. Welcome to psych central

Just keep being nice.

I must say CONGRATS on your epiphany and on taking responsibility within yourself for your behavior! That is a HUGE step, one which very few can take. I give you a LOT of credit for recognizing that you can be emotionally abusive. That is pretty amazing.

I also suggest counseling - I would even say individual counseling plus couples counseling to manage your own behaviors (individually) and to work on and try to save your marriage.

Your wife may not trust your nice behavior right now. She may be used to the abusive behaviors and probably is expecting you to change right back to the way you were.

Have you talked to her about your epiphany? Have you had a discussion (not during sleep hours) about how you now know how you can be towards her and how much you truly want to change?

A couples counselor can help both of you through this. She will need to learn to trust you again and to feel emotionally safe with you. And you will need to show consistent behavior from now on without the abusive behaviors.

It's going to take work & deliberate, conscious effort, but creating a healthy, loving relationship is SO worth it!!! You love her dearly, I can see that. So do whatever it takes to get there, and if it is not too late. Hopefully, she will agree to couples counseling (if you decide to pursue it) and will want to work on this with you.

Wishing you both all the best!

Read my posts in divorce/ separation, It might help. I believe that your Wife has lost her hope that you are willing to do anything to fix the problem, and fixing breakfast isn't it. You need to go to councelling together, and it would be the best thing, if you find a therapist, and make the apt. Because has totally lost her trust in you, and it may take a long time for her to trust you again, and you may have to jump through hoops for that to happen. You have treated her so bad, for so long, that it is hard for her to hope that your turn around might be true. After being a mentally abused Wife for about 25 years now, I can very much relate to how your Wife is feeling, and the best thing you can do to get her back is councilling!!!!!!!

First of all congratulations on your epiphany and realization of your responsibility in the relationship. That's a huge step many people don't even live to see.

With that out of the way you must in your mind realize that this break down in the relationship didn't happen overnight and as you call her a wonderful wife, I can only assume she's been long suffering for you. If that it the case, she hasn't easily reached the point of giving up on you and seeing things as she does today. Therefore it is time for you to be long suffering your own consequences and if you are committed and truly devoted, you will keep doing these things and not expect satistfaction. Don't do it so that she'll be loving to you again, do it because it's the right thing to do though. Don't come from a heart of expectation at all but just be what you think a good husband should be simply because that's the way it should be. She may or may not reciprocate - now or ever but when you care about someone and you do feel that you've offended them, the reason for the change should be based on that you've done it all wrong all this time and want to make it right.

Mind you, likely she will come around in time... perhaps slowly... and this will take patience but my only point is drop the expectation of change in her and do not let it be your motivation or even a priority. Do what you should and it will work out in the end the way it should. This is what genuine change is about. This is what sacrificial love is about... doing what you need to do because internally you know it's the right thing to do not because you "need" her love back. That only leads to disappointment and frustration and could easily lead you to the point of giving up and reverting to your old self without your even thinking about it.

Good luck with this and I hope you will see her trust return sooner than I think it usually takes.

And good job on trying to be the good husband again.

I'm very happy that you decided to improve yourself and your relationship. I suggest couple counselling as well

Couples counseling should not take place when one partner is an abuser. The abuser should first get into individual counseling. Once some serious progress has taken place, then couples counseling can happen.

In trying so hard to win your wife back, you are still perpetuating the cycle of abuse. This phase is often called “hoovering,” where the abuser sucks the abused back in (once they feel the abused partner may be ready to leave) by showering them with compliments, promises, and gifts. Your wife has indicated that she is not open to these efforts, and in continuing to do so, you are showing that you are ultimately thinking of yourself and not her.

Your best bet is to go to therapy and learn how to show your wife that you respect her, and you are committed to ending the cycle of abuse.

I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that it's perpetuating the cycle. you can't tell from the information given. from what he's said he sounds genuine in trying to do what is right but I agree there is a cycle that happens in abuse situations. There is the honeymoon phase following a peak in the abuse where the abuser tries very hard to win the victim's trust back etc.

I was actually going to ask if he's been here before where he feels the way he does and wanted to fix everything since that typically happens repeatedly.

I don't know how I feel with the couples vs individual counseling but I do feel individual counseling regarding himself is definitely a priority tho.

Whether it’s the first time through this particular cycle or not, if the OP doesn’t get help for his underlying issues, he will almost certainly go back to the same actions. Abusers are like everyone else, people with wounds and dysfunctions that need to be addressed in order to achieve real change. Unfortunately it’s just not as simple as switching a button from a-hole to not-an-a-hole.

I’m basing my observations in part on the OP’s reporter actions: showering his wife with affection despite her aversion to it; waking her up, when she is tired and vulnerable, to make promises of change, rather than waiting until the next day to have a conversation where both can participate equally. Conscious or unconscious, these are not healthy ways of acting.

Oh I agree for the most part with what you said here and previously I just try to have an objective view of things and see all sides of a situation.. Thing is he may or may not be genuine, but if he is, I think that his own individual counseling should and would be one of his priorities.

@OP your behaviors that you portray also did not become what they are overnight and like Mid said it's not as easy as turning on/off a switch. It's something that's going to take some work and practice and likely you don't understand all of the different dynamics of a relationship in a healthy way, therefore the reason for individual counseling.

An epiphany can be a "wake up" call for a person, however, you cannot expect others to suddenly believe you when you tell them you are sorry and that you want to make things up to them.

It sounds like you have been at war with yourself, that you had a lot of anger and you ended up taking that out on your wife and your family. You can't expect your wife to just forget what you have put her through and that you pushed her to the point where she distanced from you. Her telling you that she is happier with this distance means that she finally realized that she was very unhappy and the distance brought her some relief and "freedom".

As someone who endured a lot of challenges myself with a husband that can be a Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, I can tell you that just because my husband apologized, it did not "just" take away the "years" of suffering that I experienced. Also, you have to understand that just because you experienced a wake up call, it's STILL all about you and your world. Your tears are about "yourself" as well and while you woke your wife up and cried, you were crying for yourself NOT FOR HER.

Getting up and making breakfast "for" your wife is ALSO about you too, do you know that? When someone experiences a wake up call, it's THEIR wake up call. So just because you see your own faults and whatever you failed to appreciate it's still about you and NOT about all the years you took your issues out on others and basically ran over their feelings, emotions, and wants and needs to actually experience someone who actually CARES about them and what all the bad behaviors that may have gone on for YEARS did to them.

One nite my husband came home from an AA meeting and the discussion he listened to was that all these individuals who were working on being sober, learning how to live their lives sober, learning that the world doesn't revolve around them, learning to finally GROW UP, that these individuals would have to understand how their wives/significant others would FINALLY go through their OWN kind of breakdown. Their significant others would have to have their own healing process and greiving for all the YEARS they endured their partners selfishness and abuse where they basically lived their lives around the alcoholic and HIS broken world and anger and whatever he ran away from in himself and ended up turning to alcohol.

Truth is ALL THE TIME my husband was going to meetings and learning how to live his life sober and GROW UP and admit his faults, IT WAS STILL ALL ABOUT HIM. My husband just assumed that because he finally admitted he had a problem and wanted to change and do better that I WOULD BE HEALED TOO. However, my husband NEVER realized the depth of what his problem was and how getting sober was and still is ALL ABOUT HIM, has actually left ME feeling lonely.

Getting up with YOUR epiphany and waking your wife up and crying was NOT about her, can see that? Being nice and making her breakfast is not about her either, again even though you see things differently IT'S STILL ABOUT YOU. You have to realize that you have NOT lived in HER shoes and you were NOT on the receiving end of what it has been like to live with someone who was so self absorbed and angry. Just because you all of a sudden decided you love her and appreciate her is NOT going to change HER FEELINGS and HURTS.