Friend is whiner and complainer

TB, you are so very clever, and intuitive. This person is a life-long depressive. She had one suicide attempt as a teen. OK. So in this Easter letter she said she has felt suicidal since her mother died. Well, her mother was 96 and had a long and full life, and was not a depressive, and I am certain she would not want my friend to grieve on. It has been three years. I told my friend she probably had complicated grief and she should seek out counseling at a grief counseling center. This is one thing that really irked her and got her dander up. Well, I am really not going to just sit there and hear her say she wants to commit suicide over her 96 year old mother's very peaceful passing. I mean she has a new beautiful grand child, and many other joys. She has a beautiful home, a lovely family blah, blah, blah. However....however....she is a depressive. Yes.

I can put up with her being a depressive. But I can't put up with vitriolic attacks. No, TB, I can't and I won't. I mean we have our own difficulties in life and we need to prioritize our self-care. I know (from your posts) that you treasure friendship, and so do I. But we must weigh the costs, too.

I am sorry that you are struggling right now with your friend. Maybe your friendship really has run it course. Perhaps letting go is the next step. Which is very hard to do especially when you really care. Sometime a person can only do so much to the best of their ability.

Yes, I completely agree with you. If she doesn't want me in her life, so be it. I also believe you can't push the river. If someone doesn't want to be your friend...you cannot convince them of it. On today of all days I don't want to dwell on negativity but rather stay on a more spiritual plain.

Yeah, but she is a lifelong friend. I won't abandon her. I will simply lower my expectations. She did respond to my email today so that is positive.

I feel sorry for her because she has a lot to be grateful for but she doesn't see it.

She put down CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) but it has actually helped me to clean up some cognitive distortions.

As well, I have become active spiritually and have joined a congregation and it is helping me socially and community-wise.

I think the lesson is...not to use our friends as therapists...and not to let them use as that way.

As long as my friend is responsive I will never abandon the friendship. However, this is head's up to me to apply more self-care in my life.

Okay. So they refuse a marriage counselor and torture each other. I don't understand it.

It has been soooooooooo helpful to talk this out. For a few days my energy has been stuck. Now I feel a bit free. Thank you, everyone. The situation is sad but I feel more prepared to face it honestly. From discussion here I see that it is a complicated relationship and I should not expect too much from it. It will also be sad to end the friendship after a long life of being friends...but if that is the outcome I will try to accept it.

I think friendship needs respect and I am going to try to remember that above all else.

NEWS FLASH! MY FRIEND JUST RESPONDED TO MY EMAIL.

Did she apologize? Are you kidding? I realized something about her. She NEVER apologizes. She just went on about how dire and bleak her life is. Okay. So I have to accept the fact that she is a dyed-in-the-wool depressive for life. If you gave her a castle she would find it drafty. If you gave her a crown it would be too heavy. If you gave her jewels they would be too sparkly.

She needs CBT and some serious cognitive re-structuring...which was my original advice to her. She scoffed at the idea of "self-help" books.

Do some people really just want to suffer? She said her husband said she has a martyr complex. I wonder...

How infuriating. My friend simply doesn't see a glass half full. She only sees a glass half empty.

She is just an anxious depressive. I don't think I can handle her in my life.

But THANK YOU TISH B...because I followed your advice and I am glad I did. My friend and I are again speaking. Thank you, all, for your kind words and advice.

But at this time I must keep this friend at arm's length as her "aura" is too toxic for me.

Maybe leaving is the best thing. At least you know that you tried your best to save the friendship. It was her lost. If she come back in the future reminder her what she had said and make her be held accountable explain why the friendship ended and explain it was really her fault be resending that email and anything she had sent you that is a reminder that she is at fault. Then explain to her if she want to be in your life she has to make some changes or she can't be in your life. It was very difficult when I end my friendship with my ex best friend when I held her accountable for what her parent had done in person and on the phone to me and how she had treated me. In the end I had to do what felt right for me when I left the friendship there are days I wish I could done something more. I reached out again after it being awhile and realized she hasn't change and never will. I was left feeling really sad.

OK, I know this person very well. This kind of discussion can never happen. She blames everyone around her. She blames her husband, her children, and now me, of course. She is not one to "drop down" into honest discussion. That is why I call her a Prima Donna. She elevates herself above others.

When my friend was younger these bad traits were balanced out by her creativity, humor, and generosity. She has allowed many of these to fall by the wayside.

Also, I am not interested in friendships as therapy anymore. I am not into trying to dig out the reasons why she said this or that. It isn't my job to try to figure out her moods, the meaning behind her words, blah, blah, blah.

On holidays I send her beautiful cards with lighthearted messages and nice gifts. I refrain from droning on about all my problems.

My friend does not accept criticism well at all. This is because she allows herself to be abused verbally by her partner and I guess, does so in return.

I don't have this in my life. I don't settle conflicts with nasty words. I don't have to "set a good example" with my adult friend to teach her how to behave.

She also defended her loyalty and how much she has been there for me. I thought about it and realize she has deluded herself. She believes she gives much more than she does. Months and months will go by where she does not contact me or does not return my phone calls because she is self-absorbed and depressed.

I am really thinking she has evolved into a not very nice person.

I am at lost on advice. Either end the friendship and be okay with it. She may not care about how she treat people. She may not care how she is just using and manipulatied you.

I think adjusting expectations seems sensible rather than abandoning the friendship.

Sometimes we just have to accept we aren't going to change people and they likely won't change themselves either. Sounds like your friend has coped with quite a lot recently (loss of parent, marriage problems) and your description of how she has lost her spark is sad, she must be aware of this on some level even if she does not admit it and is projecting how she feels onto others.

I respect your loyalty to her and maybe things will settle in the future into a happier friendship again. I hope so!