Friend is whiner and complainer

My oldest friend in the world is a major whiner and complainer. I guess in the past I just put up with it. Maybe it even amused me a little because I can't believe someone can be so negative. It's more like she wants to control everything...even the weather.

Well, in the last few years my problems have increased. And now I have noticed that every time I get a card or email from her she doesn't ask how I am. She launches into her own ever ready litany of complaints.

Her Easter email "lament" made me snap. She wasn't really complaining about any real crisis. I also realized getting these missives around every holiday depresses me. I wrote her an email outlining all the things she had to be grateful for...and there are many. I also suggested that she look into maybe a CBT workbook. (I privately think her problem is cognitive distortions.)

This was the first time I have ever been critical of her complaining and we have been friends since childhood.

Well, she got extremely nasty with me. She sent me a very mean email. She got vicious and attacked my character. I wasn't expecting such abuse. It shocked me.

I don't know if this means the friendship is over...and I should just fade away.

Maybe I was wrong to criticize her. It is just that I have so many of my own problems...while she appears to make up things to be unhappy about...and I literally just snapped.

We have been friends my entire life and to end this friendship would feel like death. Abandonment issues are kicking in for me.

However, I don't know if I should continue. We had one other falling out a few years ago and I worked hard to mend fences. Now I feel like she is kind of an out-of-control Prima Donna. I think I used to put up with it but now I seem to have completely lost my patience. I am not the person I used to be. I can't seem to put up with things I used to put up with in the past...for the sake of a long friendship. But I am heartsick over this.

Both of you having issues doesn’t matter, comparisons are not helping anything.
What will help is that you address what is bothering you instead of complaining about it yourself - “treat as you want to be treated”

You were NOT wrong. I used to have a group of friends that just used me for support and complaining. I finally woke up and realized .... my life was going down the tubes being their repository for all their complaints. I stopped. They were never my friends... I was just being used.

This is so unclear. I don't really get your point.

I have treated her with great respect for decades. I think it's time to dump her.

Thanks. I guess it wasn't always this way...but it has become so in recent years. I am sad but I think you are right that somewhere along the line the real friendship dissolved.

Just writing about this makes it sound like this is a terrible friendship.

I think it has lasted out of habit.

It was okay as a superficial friendship, I guess. Maybe I feel like I wish there was more reciprocity. Now I realize she is a pretty selfish person.

When things in my life were okay it was a tolerable friendship. I think these are called fair weather friends.

I still feel terrible.

Loyalty seems like a thing of the past.

It is very hard with a long-standing relationship, when it comes to an end. It's literally grievous and will require grieving. But you have a responsibility to yourself, first. I think you are doing well, confronting what you see/feel happening now and how it is not working for you. Continue to take good care of yourself.

You understand! We became friends the first day of first grade. All the childhood memories are great. We had so many adventures together. But now she has become a very bitter person. Despite my problems I am really trying not to be a bitter person although it gets harder and harder. So I am trying to eliminate anything very stressful or negative. But at the same time I cannot imagine life without her in it.

It makes me angry my friend does not accept me as I am right now. Yes, I have a lot of problems. But it has been a long friendship. I was always the "strong" one and the listener. It just goes to show you that many relationships cannot really tolerate transitions. They are like fragile bubbles. They can burst at any time, I guess. I am so sad.

You can repair the rift with this friend. Just say what you said here, only very gently to her. A friend for life shouldnt end just over that incident.

Thanks, TB. But like I said I repaired a major rift with her a few years ago. It was major. So will it become a pattern? That I am the mender of fences? Also, she revealed a nasty side I had never seen before. That's hard to forget. I am just in a place where I can't handle ANY verbal abuse. In fact, I even explained that to her in an email before she shut down. I told her I don't have that in my life now (it was prevalent in my family of origin) and it just isn't a part of my life. She is in a marriage where she allows her partner to verbally abuse her on a daily basis. Maybe she now thinks this is a "normal" way to navigate conflict. But I can't allow that in our relationship. I DID write all of this in an email to her. But now she has shut me down. It remains to be seen if she will hold a grudge. (She has been known to do that. She holds onto things. She's a hoarder.) I am going to not shut the door all the way. But I cannot always be the one mending the broken fence.

I have a similar friend. I’ve been trying to keep her at arm’s length. This one is worse than a complainer, she attacks me for no reason that I deserve. Yet, I feel that I don’t want to defriend her again like I’ve done in the past several times.

It sounds like your friend is very depressed and can’t contain it, even in an Easter letter.

TB, you are so very clever, and intuitive. This person is a life-long depressive. She had one suicide attempt as a teen. OK. So in this Easter letter she said she has felt suicidal since her mother died. Well, her mother was 96 and had a long and full life, and was not a depressive, and I am certain she would not want my friend to grieve on. It has been three years. I told my friend she probably had complicated grief and she should seek out counseling at a grief counseling center. This is one thing that really irked her and got her dander up. Well, I am really not going to just sit there and hear her say she wants to commit suicide over her 96 year old mother's very peaceful passing. I mean she has a new beautiful grand child, and many other joys. She has a beautiful home, a lovely family blah, blah, blah. However....however....she is a depressive. Yes.

I can put up with her being a depressive. But I can't put up with vitriolic attacks. No, TB, I can't and I won't. I mean we have our own difficulties in life and we need to prioritize our self-care. I know (from your posts) that you treasure friendship, and so do I. But we must weigh the costs, too.

Maybe interrupt and point out the positive things in their life.

I did that exactly. Exactly. She got angry because she "has it so bad."

OKay, I got inspired by Tish and just shot my friend a two line email. I said I was sorry I invalidated her feelings about her mother's passing. I also said it scared me to hear her talking about suicide because I lived far away and felt damn helpless. That's all I am going to give the Prima Donna. She really emotionally exhausts me.

Sometime people don't or aren't always aware of what they are doing so they don't always know how they are affecting other people. Sometime what is meant to be venting out their problem may turn into something else that is not intended on their part. She may have felt that you were attacking her in many ways. She may have felt hurt by what you had said to her without realizing her action and she said things out of anger.

Is it possible that the environment she grew up in where everyone complains all the time as a way to talk and this all normal? She may not realize how this affect other people? Or is possible that you and her may have completely misunderstood both intention? Maybe she meant to explain how her day went or how frustrated the holiday is without realizing how it came out in contexts? Perhaps you may have unintentionally snapped at her due to something you are going through without realizing it?

Try taking a deep breathe and relax. Ask yourself what you are willing to live with and what your not willing to live with? Once you know that answer then the rest will be easy. You can start out by saying! I really feel bad about what you said because I felt that you had attack my character because of something that I had said to you that had unintentionally upset you. I acted out in good faith with good intention when I suggestewhatT workbook it was just suggesting and you don't follow my suggesting but I really value our friendship. Right now I am really going through some things and I feel like you are not there for me like I am there for. I feel like you are complaining about everything every time we hang out and it is taking a toll on me. I can't take anymore of the complaining right now because i just have too much going on. Have you thought of asking someone else how they are feeling and how you might be able to help them so that you can take a break from your problem? I may have said something out anger and frustration without realizing it but we need come to some kind of mutual agreement about this problem.

This way your not attacking her but the problem. I too have the same problem myself. I try to make sure that I take time out to ask other people how they are doing and how I might be able to help? Sometime people don't realized what they are doing or how their action may affected other people. I hope this help you out and known that these are only suggesting and you don't have to do anything that make you feel uncomfortable.

Great advice

Big hugs to you. I am sorry to hear that. You could tell that she need seek counseling for herself and a marriage counselor.