Commitment Phobia and Other Issues

Hi everyone,

So I suffer from commitment phobia. I am a female in my late 20s and
have been talking to guys with the intention of getting married eventually
but I cannot seem to go past 4-6 months of communicating with each one. Whenever it starts to get serious or we take a step further, I start to panic and want to get out of the situation. I did see some faults with the previous guys I had been talking to. Some faults being that they were
living too far, or had habits that I didn't like (drinking,smoking, too flirty etc). One of them was very bossy and wanted things done mostly his way. I didn't find most of these guys attractive anyway. But recently, I started talking to this guy who seems to have the qualities that I am looking for like similar interests, a stable job, decent family. But something seems missing and what I feel is is my physical attraction towards him.. I don't find him to be attractive..maybe just a little bit. I am hoping that his personality can outshine his looks with further communication and that I develop feelings for him since we have been talking for only a month now. Also, because of my commitment phobia, I am having trouble taking things further and whenever I feel a little pressure coming my way, I tend to snap easily with my family members and tend to be somewhat cold when talking to him, which confuses him. This whole thing makes me depressed and I cry myself
to sleep every now and then or try to hold back tears during the day.. When I was in high school and uni and would have crush on a guy and if he happened to like me back, I would back off and get scared. I don't recall any childhood trauma but maybe there were some unmet needs that I am not aware of. Or it could be that I see sooo many failed marriages around me especially hearing about marriage problems involving my siblings. I would like to be with someone eventually but this phobia is really holding me back. Maybe I am used to being on my own and not in a relationship.

Hello Pizzaria: I believe this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! May I suggest you introduce yourself to the membership at large on our New Members Introduction forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives of on topic of commitmetn phobia. Perhaps they can be of some help:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-i...nship-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/beat-c...e-to-yourself/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/fear-o...that-may-help/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...ow-to-grow-it/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/7-tips-...-relationship/

I hope you find the time you spend here on PC to be of benefit.

Hi Pizzaria,

Welcome to PC.

I hope you find the information and the support you may be seeking.
Please make yourself at home. Jump in wherever you feel led to do so.

Your first 5 posts are approved by a moderator before they appear. After 5 approved posts, you will also have access to chatrooms and to the Private Messaging (PM) system.

I hope to see you around the forums.


WC

Hey There Pizzaria,

Maybe you have not yet met the right person?
It's tough to start a romantic relationship with someone to whom you are not attracted. Why settle for that, especially being so young yet? Why sell yourself short?

When you find the right person, you may feel differently?

I did not marry until my late 20's and people used to tell me I had feared commitment; yet, honestly, I had not yet met the right person. I have now been married for over 20 years. (A good match. We are best friends.)

As for being "snappy," maybe this is a way to distance him?

If you feel there is something going on that is making you unhappy, maybe try seeing a therapist?

Best Wishes,


WC

Your young and this type of forum will help.

Im in my 50's and am engaged to a woman with sever CP issues. I have grown considerably in the last 5 years and it will get better with work.

I'll be honest. Nothing what you've laid out here really screams of "commitment phobia" although I'm not questioning whether you have that issue or not, what you've said here at least seems pretty acceptable and normal in the grand scheme of looking for a mate.

To be perfectly candid it sounds more like you're trying to hard to force the idea of being in a relationship where there's really nothing there yet. I don't know if you feel pressured to get in a relationship or not but why are you pursuing people that you dont' really have an attraction for and hoping things will get better or you'll grow to love them? This is not a phobia of commitment but just your mind telling you that this is not the person for you. You are ignoring your gut and hoping for something to change. Not a good way to lead into a relationship that you potentially want to be permanent.

There really is no rush, and I am not referring to your age or assuming you're young. it's just not something to rush or push, because the right person will come along and the doubts will likely fall away. It takes time and it's not something easy. why do you think this forum itself is so full and active all the time? Relationships aren't easy to make happen or maintain.

Relax a bit and please do listen to your intuition. without an attraction both physically and intellectually, most likely the person will probably never be the one to satisfy enough of your needs.

Hope this helps.

Relationships are a challenge to us all, not unless you had a "perfect" childhood where you learned a secure attachment strategy from role model parents. Good luck with that!

Take a look at attachment styles in adults. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults.

I'm insecure too. Anxious-preoccupied and Fearful-avoidant. What about you?

You are on the right track to understand where you may be able to shore things up, but keep in mind, you're probably not dealing with the perfect potential mate who has a secure attachment style either. LOL

I've wondered if I have this problem. I can stay in a relationship no problem, but I find reasons not to commit fully. What I mean by that is, I'll make plans alone and go forth with my life as if alone. However, mine stems from my dad being a serial cheater and I've caught boyfriends cheating... so I just don't commit 100%, when it comes to my future plans.

I wish I can say that finding the right person will rid you of your fears... it may or may not. I'm currently in a relationship with what I believe to be the most amazing human being. But I'm putting up road blocks. I think the best way to approach it is to figure out where the fear is coming from and see if you can actively work on seeing if your fears and doubts are valid. I'm currently in therapy to work on a lot of parts of my life and this is one of them.

It's rough going through this type of anxiety. I hope you figure this out.