[shyBoldgirl88]

Hello all!

So just wanting to get an outsiders point of view regarding a recent convo I had with my boyfriend's mom.

My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years and we of course have had our ups and downs. But a recent convo with his mom is starting to make me look a things in a new light. So when we went to see her he left for a little bit to get go see his dad...they are divorced but live pretty close to each other. She then decided to tell me about all the money their family has burned trying to help him out...and that the reason why his previous relationship did not work out is because he abused her!

It really has me shook and I don't really know how to handle it. I know if I tell him about it he'll get mad at his mother. I don't want to start any kind of drama but it has me concerned. He does have anger issues..but has never gotten physical with me. It makes sense about the physical abuse in his previous relationship. I've asked him about why a woman that had 2 kids with him would leave him after 5 years and he said that she cheated and then left 😑

So needless to say...I'm worried...

[TishaBuv]

I would listen to his mother. If his own mother is warning you...

[MrMoose]

It’s certainly a giant red warning flag... and if you find that you start feeling like you are tiptoeing on eggshells around him—as opposed to the more healthy relationship where each person has respect and care and concern for their partner— that might be another red flag.

[Bill3]

How well does she generally get along with you?

[FallDuskTrain]

This is very interesting. In these two years, how often did you two see each other? In other words did you see each other enough for you to see any clues of anger, abuse, etc. And additionally how well do you get along with his mother? I would consider what his mother said but also question her intentions.
I am sorry but it seems odd that she waited for him to leave to bad mouth her own son. I am having difficulty understanding why a mother would do that.

[seesaw]

You need to discuss it with him directly. That's the only way to deal with this. It is a red flag. Either she's telling the truth and he may become abusive OR she's lying and that's what you have to look forward to in a mother-in-law...Neither one sounds very tempting.

Seesaw

[Crazy Hitch]

I agree with the others.

Definite red flag. You need to discuss this with him.

[Molinit]

I wouldn't say a thing to him, I'd certainly keep a watch on his actions. People like this usually don't change.

[shyBoldgirl88]

All of you have mentioned points I've had on my mind. Why would his own mom say things of that nature?? Why would she wait till he leaves?? Why would she tell me now??

He and I have lived together for almost 1 year and have had some pretty heated arguments...but nothing physical. He can be distant sometimes and other times be extremely caring. I just really don't understand in her mind what good it would be to tell me. It's making things wayyy more confusing..and her waiting till he left makes me question everything even more. Would that have set him off?? Does she think she's warning me?? I would asked her more questions at the time but I honestly was quite shocked at what she was telling me and caught off guard. I feel bad because when we left his mom's he did ask what was wrong with me...and I told him "nothing." I really didn't know how to say to him "well your mom just told me you have been wasting their money and your a woman beater" 😰 It baffles me because they both claim to have an "awesome" relationship with each other and he has told me before that if it wasn't for her being there for him he wouldn't know where he'd be...

I care about him deeply and now feel that a bad seed has been planted in my mind. I have anxiety issues and tend to over think things any way.

[FallDuskTrain]

This may sound like an extreme solution but, based on your above response, this is how I would handle it. Talk to the mom and the bf at the same time. explain what she said in-front of him. That should shed light on the true nature of their relationship, his mom’s true intentions, his reaction, etc. And this way, his mom cannot say ‘i said no such thing’

[Bill3]

I have two concerns about a joint confrontation.

1. She can still deny that she said it.

2. Calling her out in front of him has the potential to make her permanently hate you.

[Trippin2.0]

My ex’s mom warned me too, not right away either, probably as she grew fond of me and I “slipped” deeper and deeper into the relationship.

I didn’t heed her warning, thought that even if it was remotely true, our relationship was different.

I left the 5th year with bruised ribs and blue eyes.

His mom later called me, relieved I had finally left, but sad I waited.

My ex doesn’t see either of his daughters, (mine and another lady’s) not hard to see why.

My own mother?
She warned my brother’s fiancés both times that he’s not marriage material, that he’s basically a pretty bum... They thought she was meddling and married him anyway. He’s now twice divorced...

[TishaBuv]

I think you’ve confirmed what she warned about is true. He did take money from his parents, he did have physical abuse with his ex, right?

The warning bells and spidey sense is going off.

Mother's tend to think quite highly and defensive of their sons. Thus, for your boyfriend's mom to speak in less than glowing terms - indeed to warn you - about him is truly something to take heed of. Now, there is a chance she is using such a tactic to split the two of you up because she isn't fond of you but many more ways to drive a wedge between the two of you come to mind. If this was the case there is no way your boyfriend would leave she and you alone together. No, I would then take her warnings seriously.

[shyBoldgirl88]

Thank you all so very much for all your responses!

I do know that he has gotten financial help from his parents in the past. I have not confirmed the physical abuse...I do not know his ex and I have never met her so the only indication of the abuse came from his mom. My bf claims that his ex is "a good woman and a wonderful mother but is a pathological liar." She left him after being together 5 years and having 2 kids...so I don't know...

His mom and I have had a really good relationship since we met. So she's either giving me a genuine warning...or is highly manipulative. But I really believe she is warning me because she was happy when we first met and glad that her son had found someone. Maybe she has some kind of guilt of not telling me sooner???

It does frighten me an awful lot about him potentially being abusive. I have never been in an abusive relationship but I have helped friends through theirs...and I know its hell. I also know 9/10 times people who are abusers rarely change. There are are red flags. Mainly his anger...but like I said in previous post nothing physical. He also rarely admits he is wrong...which I think we all can be like sometimes...but he has the tendency to blame others. Which I find extremely immature.

I just don't want to become even more
involved with him and find out he truly is abusive.