Is he just shy or is this abuse? (GAY)

I am currently here with a relationship issue with my gay boyfriend. I have known him for 5 years, and for most of the time we were sex buddies, but we have been officially in a relationship for 7 months after his ex finally ended all contact with him when he found out he was seeing me for months. I have long suspected this is an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship, but I have never been certain and constantly found myself giving him the benefit of the doubt, even when the doubt was grave and need your guidance to understand if it really is and what I should do to address the issues and recover.

My boyfriend presents himself as a quiet, shy, honest, kind and vulnerable individual. He says he finds it difficult expressing emotions and might have social anxiety disorder. So I feel, as do many others, sympathy and that he needs to be taken care of and do favours for him. While many people hold this idea of him, myself and others who have had long intimate relationships with him, have discovered behind this facade quite the opposite and have had traumatic relationships with him.

A lot has happened with me that has constantly made me question his good facade and I found myself constantly trying to excuse all these doubts. It may help if I list them like this:

1. He constantly plays hot and cold with me. One day he is all over me and kissing me in front of everybody, the other he is blanking me for hours, indifferent and treating me like a stranger.

I feel uncertain.

His defence: It is based on his mood.

2. He never initiates any affection to me. He never makes any effort to hold my hand, hug me, kiss me or make much eye contact. I have to initiate every effort and he reciprocates inconsistently. He never says he loves me, unless I ask and then replies only "yeah"

I feel unloved.

His defence: He is shy and finds it hard to express emotions because hes not learned how to as hes not been in many relationships. He finds it hard to breath when we kiss. He needs alcohol to kiss me(but this is not true as hes kissed me before and others when sober)

3. He never asks me any questions about me. He never asks me how my day has been, comment on my appearance and clothes or ask me what is going on at work/life or how I am. We end up talking about him instead.

I feel unimportant.

His defence: He doesn't have to ask trivial questions like that when you know each other and I can share what I want myself(even when I do, he gives gives no opinion e.g. "How is this shirt looking? -- like a shirt does"

4. Silent treatment. When we have an argument or a fall out he remains silent for hours or storms off expecting me to chase him or does not see me for day/s and blocks me and does not respond to txts and msgs.

I feel lonely.

His defence: He can't be bothered or need space or time to clear his head

5. Rage. When I bring up any criticism of how his behaviour impacts me. The veneer of shyness falls and it is replaced by pure rage. His face no longer looks like the same person and he shouts and insults.

His defence: I have made him unhappy/I keep repeating the same issues

6. Not giving me attention when out with groups of friends. He barely spends time with me when we are out in a group of friends and is rarely next to me. He also disappears for 10-20 min at a time without telling me where he is.

I feel ignored,

His defence: I am being clingy and needy.

6. He takes without returning. When he spends all of his money, I end up paying for him and I just add that to the money he owes me e.g. He turned up in another city for a night out and told me at the hotel, and said he didn't realise he had no money in his wallet, so I ended up spending for hotel, drink, food and club. Hes owes me about $400. I agreed for him to pay me $40 a week back to pay it off.

I feel used.

His defence: He will pay me back $40 back when he can afford it, because he owes his mum money too and needs to give her some before he gives it me/he got underpaid that week

7. He has never given me any compliment but only criticism. He's told me one of my eyes is wonky. He's told me my nose is big and I can lose half of it(in public) He's told me I lack awareness. When others give me compliments he underplays it e.g. "You are looking handsome tonight --- they are probably drunk" "Nobody attractive has come onto you"

I feel undermined.

His defence: I am being oversensitive/He is only joking

8. Makes comments that arise suspicion of cheating. 1)He says he would forgive me if I cheated on him instantly, that it would be OK if it was in another city or with not the same guy 2) He says he would like to have threesomes and orgies and I should be OK with it 3) He says I should trust him to got to naked sex clubs without me 4) My friend claims to have seen him have oral sex in a club when I went to a toilet) 5) I saw him do something with somebody in a dark area .

I feel insecure and suspicious

His defence: 1) "Id forgive you because the relationship is more important to me" 2) "That is just my fantasy and I needs to do it while I am still young and if you stop it I may need to consider coming out of the relationship to do it" 3) "As far as I am concerned it is just a club with a bar, and I can go with mates for a drink and I like being naked/ you don't trust me 4) "He was mistaken or lying" 5) "I thought it was you and I stopped as soon as I realised it wasn't you and It is your fault you were suppose to be next to me.

I hope this is not too long and will give a good general overview of the typical experiences in my relationship. I find it very hard to end this relationship because I love him like I have never loved anybody before. But sometimes I feel this is not love but an unhealthy and toxic addiction.

Thanks for sharing your concerns here on PC. I'm certainly no expert when it comes to relationships. But from my perspective, & based on what you've written, I'd say you are both being abused as well as being taken advantage of.

The thing is... all of this is not likely to change. I've written this numerous times in the past here on PC. I used to know a guy who was fond of saying: "If you want to know which way the bullet is going, look down the barrel of the gun." If you re-read what you've written here, you'll see what your relationship with this gentleman may well continue to be like as long as you stay with him. You say you love him like you've never loved anybody before. But is it worth continuing to be the object of his abuse? Only you know the answer to that question.

Here are links to several articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may provide some perspective:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...of-narcissism/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-da...s-narcissists/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-co...nership/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/blog/it-isn...-a-narcissist/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/do-you-love-a-narcissist/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-7-...-a-narcissist/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...-a-narcissist/

I wish you well...

Listen this man is a nightmare. Please don’t even give him a minute of your time. He is so terrible that I can’t even comprehend. Do you see a therapist?

Well, call it love or call it an unhealthy addiction as you say, the fact of the matter is - if you stay in the relationship you must be prepared to experience all of those things you mentioned, indefinitely. It's the way he is until he changes his ways - if he changes his ways - and personally, I wouldn't put all my hopes of future happiness on that particular outcome. I'm sorry you're going through this zerodark10. Thanks for sharing.

I empathize with you, zerodark, and wish for you to be well. Much of what I am about to state is my subjective perspective, but my perspectives are formed from much research and attempts to learn about such topics. Additionally, some statements are attempts to be objectively accurate such as on whether or not you are being abused and manipulated according to standard definitions of such terms.

Additionally, there is no "objective truth" or "fact" or even certainty on most of the topics of which we are discussing such as personality disorders, behavior and more. Much of what we are dialoguing is "how" a person is, which is subjective and most debatable as opposed to "what" a person is. Even some highly recognized professionals acknowledge not just the complexities of such topics, but also the difficulty in assessing a person and his/her behavior.

Already in both your opening paragraph and subsequent paragraph, you specifically refer to how ever much of how he is as a "facade," which does not necessarily entail anything at all. With that said, a facade is typically associated with Narcissism (as in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, although there are degrees of narcissism. Even if someone is of narcissism and not of NDP, the person could still exhibit a facade.) Regardless, more research, observation and analysis would most likely be required to attempt to accurate judge how he possibly is in general.

Another associative "characteristic" (as in choice) of someone of narcissism is to not entirely leave and/or cutoff an ex until s/he has secured another person for Narcissistic Supply. Even then, the person might still "hoover" the ex as in still attempt to keep the ex from being completely out of the person's life in order to continue using, abusing and manipulating the ex.

Please take note of traumatic relationships with him because that might also be a sign of abuse, manipulation, personality disorder(s), and/or other possible causes.

For your first description, according to you, would "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde" and/or "push/pull" be synonymous with his behavior in your words as "hot and cold?" Both of the aforesaid terms are also associated with NDP. The aforesaid behaviors of Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde is of psychological and emotional abuse and manipulation.

For your second and third descriptions, it reads as if he were neglecting you (whether he has emotions for you, likes and and so forth is also a question to be asked.) Neglect is emotional abuse (and can be emotional and psychological manipulation and abuse.)

For your fourth description, silent treatment is one of the most agreed upon behaviors as both psychological and emotional abuse and manipulation. The effects of the silent treatment can be devastating. Please do not underestimate, ignore or anything similarly for the silent treatment. This is indeed a "red flag."

For your fifth description, "rage" is another behavior that is associated with NDP and, maybe, other personality disorders as well. Regardless, it is also another form of emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation. This is also another "red flag." Additionally, he is also shifting the blame, denying responsibility and attempting to cause you to feel (invented) guilt. Both of the aforesaid actions are both tactics of psychological and emotional abuse and manipulation.

Your sixth description is also of neglect (and other possible behaviors such as selfishness, self-centeredness and more.) As previously mentioned, neglect is emotional abuse (and can be emotional and psychological manipulation and abuse.) He is also marginalizing your perspectives, emotions and you, which is indeed emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation. Additionally, he is also shifting the blame, denying responsibility and attempting to cause you to feel (invented) guilt. Both of the aforesaid actions are both tactics of psychological and emotional abuse and manipulation.

Your other sixth description is not just of emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation due to neglecting you, your feelings and perspectives, but it is also of financial manipulation and abuse. Also, if he is continually taking as you are continually giving, he is using you.

Your seventh description is of devaluation, which is emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation. He also marginalizes what others say to you and when he attempts to defend himself, which is another form of emotional and psychological abuse and manipulation as already stated. Additionally, he is also shifting the blame, denying responsibility and attempting to cause you to feel (invented) guilt. Both of the aforesaid actions are both tactics of psychological and emotional abuse and manipulation.

Your eighth description is of marginalization, probable denial, projection, shifting the blame, attempting to convince you of (invented guilt) and other tactics of psychological abuse and manipulation.


Again, my post consists of opinions and perspectives. With that said, much of what I wrote is based on countless hours of research and resources for abuse, manipulation, narcissism, NDP and other interconnected topics. Most of your descriptions, if not all, are associated with NDP and, perhaps, other personality disorders. I am not claiming that he is of NDP, any other personality disorder or anything similarly. I am just addressing that much of the aforesaid behavior is indeed abusive and manipulative, mainly psychological and emotional. Additionally, there might be more to him than simply those "characteristics" of abuse, manipulation and using you.

Edit: I forgot to include an assessment of the content in your last paragraph, which is most interlinked with the rest of your post. I apologize and will post one tomorrow. I wish for you and your relationship to be going well.

Hello zerodark10,

It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is very hurtful and deceiving to you. What is it that you love about him? Your description sounds pretty wide to me, but, maybe I'm missing some sweet parts of him that you often get to see?? Either way...

IMO, it isn't worth holding onto this guy when he treats you in such terrible ways. Especially repeatedly. It is hard to let go of someone that we're attached to ~ I know, I've been there ~ but, you're currently putting up with a LOT of baloney (to put it mildly). He isn't worth any more time and even more complications.

Gentle hugs to you ~ and welcome to Psych Central!