[TishaBuv]

When you are a baby, you don’t know if you are being reared by normal people. You don’t start to learn it until you get to be in your teens, when friends have all told you that your parents are weird a lot.

Then you get to know a lot of other people who are not normal. You live in a culture of people who are off. Does that skew what is the norm anyway? IDK

Do you know what I’m saying?

[seesaw]

Yes, I know exactly what you are saying. It wasn't until I was an adult did I realize my life had not been normal and my world had been colored by abuse.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

When you are a baby, you don’t know if you are being reared by normal people. You don’t start to learn it until you get to be in your teens, when friends have all told you that your parents are weird a lot.

Then you get to know a lot of other people who are not normal. You live in a culture of people who are off. Does that skew what is the norm anyway? IDK

Do you know what I’m saying?

yes I do. but it begs the question, "what is normal, anyway?"

[MickeyCheeky]

It's not important what's "normal" and what not. I think what's important is what is good and healthy for you, and what isn't

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

It's not important what's "normal" and what not. I think what's important is what is good and healthy for you, and what isn't

THIS^^^^!!!!!

Yes, so maybe we should say rather than we realized it was abnormal but maybe it's that we realized it was unhealthy and abusive, whereas others grew up in healthy and nurturing families. All families have dysfunction. But is it healthy or unhealthy? I think this could be a good way to start really discussing what happens in our abusive families. Just because something is normal doesn't mean it isn't abusive, etc. In fact, my parents would argue that certain things were normal, because it happened to them and it happens to their cousins, etc., so it's normalized across our family. But it's still unhealthy and abusive.

Seesaw

[s4ndm4n2006]

The thing to keep in mind is that what is normal in one context is almost always not in a different context. Grow up in a family of people that behave a certain way, whether that be healthy or not, and that is in this context normal. It's what is acceptable, it is what is tolerable and what you come to expect with any given situation. Move outside of that environment and almost immediately everything is different and either feel everything is weird or that you don't fit in. It's a new context and it's always going to be odd.

Normal is such a relative word, that only in a very strict sense and a finite definition should we use it as a description of anything.

It's an elusive and tricky beast.. the definition of the word, that is.

So you have to decide what context you want to measure your experience with... the world? A certain social group? your family?

I don't try to be normal anymore. I just try to be what I am and accept that in many cases I'm going to be very different than others and in some cases will find common ground with others like me. It's the only way to live.

Also the statements about healthy and unhealthy are much better ways of looking at things too.

Especially in elementary school (when I lived in the city), it felt like my best friend (2 houses away from me) was constantly comparing her family to mine. Maybe this is just what kids do? She was the one that was always shocked that entering my home felt like "being in a museum", yet she was always at my house rather than hers. We would hang out in the back and front yard. My mom was OCD about things being neat and taken care of. Good and bad things can get passed down from grandparents but there can also be tragedies in a family that cause our parents to do unhealthy things (like drinking too much--though my parents never drank) in order to get through it all. I wonder if any of the possibly "abnormal" behaviors in your family were because of tragedy/stress that was encountered by your mom/grandparents?

[eskielover]

I can't remember when I first felt that way aboyt my parents but I was in grade school. Felt like my parents wanted to keep me their baby since I was their older child & I never remember thinking like a child. Their behaviors always enbarassed me out in public & I remember one time they wanted to hold my hand & all I wanted to do was walk as far away from them as possible so no one knew we were related. This was more intense than the normal kid thing.

There was no physical abuse which was what they wondered when I first ended up in therapy in my earky 40's. All I knew was that all my life I worked hard at being nothing like my parents.....thus the unuversity education & engineering careef.

I honestly ciukd NEVER put my finger on what was REALLY WRONG with my childhood picture. I knew it was strange that my mom was the one telling me that my dad loved me. I knew my dad was really different from others in social settings but I never figured it out until after I finally left my own bad marriage & finally socialized with people nothing like I had lived with for 54 years if my life & finally had good therapy & one T who couldn't diagnose at least the problem I had with my H at least got me started researching it & not only did the behaviors fit my H 100% but they also fit my dad even more. It was very eye opening & explained all those feelings I had experienced all my life. It was like the key that opened the door to understanding why I always reacted to them the way I did & it also brought light to my mothers issues that drew her into that relationship in the first place & why she was the mousey kind of mother she was all my growing up life wuth no self confidence to do much if anyrhing outside her tiny home.

Some behaviors I experienced had become so normal that I rationalized away the red flags befire my own marriage because I didn't understand the similarity in the cause....but then the cause wasn't even psychologically defined at that point in history.....so ut's ibvious I couldn't gave known. Yes we get used to certain behaviors that even though they may bother us we get conditioned to them being around us.

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

My mom was OCD about things being neat and taken care of. tragedy/stress

For instance, my mom's need to work hard and take care of the things she had was born out of growing up without many material things. Her dad was unemployed a lot.

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

For instance, my mom's need to work hard and take care of the things she had was born out of growing up without many material things. Her dad was unemployed a lot.

I grew up with parents who went through the depression. I understand & my parents had virtually nothing when I was growing up so I valued what I had & took good care of it.....though handling my whole farm on my own now with limited money has caused me to let a lot of things slide out if necessity....time & age creates limitations

[TishaBuv]

Exactly, parents who lived through the depression and keep their couches covered in plastic are a good example of a type of abnormal and a reason why.

Most everyone I know is eccentric in some way. I understand that I have to treat each one differently due to their varying issues. It’s hard.

My early friends would be surprised that I would get in trouble for things that they wouldn’t get punished for. This was my first clue that my mother wasn’t like others.

[eskielover]

Felt like my parents wanted to keep me their baby since I was their older child

....OOPS....that word should be "ONLY"

[TishaBuv]

Siblings react differently. I just had a conversation with my sister, she said she felt from very young she could not fill our mother’s shoes. I said that I never thought that but I tried to fill her shoes, hoping that would please our mother, but ultimately learned nothing was the right thing to please her. She was a contrarian.

I really don’t like saying ‘abuse’, that I was abused. Yes, it was abuse. But honestly I did not know it was ‘abuse’ at the time. I thought that was just how it is. She wasn’t a totally abusive monster. Not at all. Just a narcissist who wasn’t evil, just a woman, not a bad person. She was a good, strong character person. I thought she was right about everything. I still do mostly.

[TishaBuv]

By comparison to our neighbors we were so normal!

My family used to make fun of this family that lived a few houses away. I could tell you at least 5 hilarious stories about these goofs. I knew they were weird. A had a friend down the block who didn’t bathe much and ate a cockroach in my garage on a dare. Her father had the cops called on him for shooting fish in the canal with a machine gun. They were weird. We were the normal family! Lol

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

By comparison to our neighbors we were so normal!

My family used to make fun of this family that lived a few houses away. I could tell you at least 5 hilarious stories about these goofs. I knew they were weird. A had a friend down the block who didn’t bathe much and ate a cockroach in my garage on a dare. Her father had the cops called on him for shooting fish in the canal with a machine gun. They were weird. We were the normal family! Lol

That gave me a good chuckle especially shooting the fish with a machine gun.

On my farm I gave my friend & her son permission to do target practiving on my farm while I was 50 miles away doing my volunteer work at the horse park. He was practicing with a semi-automatic. My farm gas a lowered area in my woods tbat is curved like an ampha-theater & he was shooting into the hil that surrounded him. I got a call from the neighbors that don't even live there afraid he was shooting at their horses & "make them STOP!!". I put the call on speaker phone & everyone working with me heard that conversation & raz me about it to this day.