I dont know what to do about husband

I have been married for almost 15 years. I would say about half of it has been good. The rest has been miserable. My husband is an alcoholic. He spent 18 months on house arrest right after we got married as a result of too many DUI's......before we met. When we met, he wasnt drinking. He had quit and was going to church and meetings to not drink. Once he found out he was going to HAVE to quit drinking for the 18 months, he decided that he needed to be drunk every day until he got the ankle monitor bracelet on. He was totally sober for the house arrest, but then the day he got the bracelet cut off, he got drunk "Cause he could". I had minor surgery the day he had it cut off and needed him to help me recover. But he was too busy being drunk to help me. Fast forward 3 years. He was still drinking heavily all that time. I again had surgery, only this time it was a major surgery. I was in the hospital for 5 days, I needed him to help take care of my son during that time. He was drunk the whole time. Luckily my mom lived less than a mile away and she took care of my son. He also got addicted to pain pills and took all the pills I had for pain after my surgery. Fast forward to today. He is still drinking heavily. I have left him a couple different times....but he always convinces me to come home. With the promise he will quit drinking. Every day is a fight. He drinks whiskey, which makes him mean and he doesnt remember what he does when he is drunk. I tried to record him once when he was drunk but it made him mad and he smashed his phone into my face. (i got it on video) He constantly screams at me when he is drunk. Tells me Im a *****, a *****, tells me Im worthless cause I cant hold a job, etc etc.

Now for the good side. He is a sweet man when he is sober. Would do anything for anyone. We laugh. Have a good time. We both like some of the same music so we have gone to concerts together. We love NASCAR and drag racing and have gone to several races together. We love to sit at home and play Yahtzee on the Xbox or watch movies. We are both animal lovers....we currently have 2 amazing dogs. We love to go late night shopping and just wander the stores.

My problem is this. The drinking has yet again become too much for me to handle. I have tried everything I can to get him to quit. Ive left. I filed for divorce. I have begged him to go to church again. I have looked into getting him into rehab. Ive taken him to AA meetings. I have begged and pleaded for him to quit. I dont know what else to do. I have my own issues being bipolar and my anxiety. I cannot handle him drinking on top of all that. I have made many mistakes in this marriage that Im not proud of. I have done what I can to make things better. And to not repeat those mistakes. But when he drinks, he reminds me of those mistakes and makes me feel like **** for the mistakes. He screams at me and calls me a ***** and a *****. Says I dont love him. Its hard to deal with. I dont know what to do. I love him. I honestly do. But I cant take anymore of the drinking. I cant go back home to my parents house cause my dad told me that the last time I was there. I have no close friends to stay with. No other friends/family to help. My only options are to stay here and be miserable or go to a shelter and be miserable. At least here I have my dogs.

I dont know what to do. Should I stay? Should I go? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? If so, what did you do? How did you get out......or how did you cope staying? ANY advice is welcome!!!

Sorry for the long post.

Oh sweetie, what a horrible situation. There are no easy answers. You are heavily involved in trying to get him help, but unfortunately that’s not going to help. An alcoholic or addict will not get help until THEY decide they need help.

My only advice to you is to concentrate on your own wellness. You need to totally disengage from him when he’s drinking. Don’t try to reason or argue with him. Go to Al-anon meetings to connect with other people in your shoes. If you have a guest room in your home move in there to get some space. If you have pain Meds or anything else he can abuse, hide them or put them in a locked box. Read books about codependent behavior. There are many things you can do without moving out.

I assume he wouldn't go into counseling with you, so this topic is another one to discuss with your therapist. I think I would leave him, but maybe that's just me.

His drinking is not your problem to solve. That is his problem. You can't get him solve it.

Right now he does not even see it as a problem.

If it were me I would beg my dad to take me and dogs back. I would beg. I would promise to not go back to my husband until he has been sober for, say, two years. I would make certain to keep that promise, no matter how sweet my husband temporarily and manipulatively got. (Every abuser is sweet some of the time. That is a main way that they get their victims to stay.)

Then I would figure things out/save money until I could live on my own.

If you can't do that, think about a shelter. You might be miserable there, but you will be surrounded by people whose entire purpose in their work is to help you end the misery. With your husband, the exact opposite is the case, his goal right now is to continue the misery until death.

How old is your son now, and are there any other children involved?

What is the status of the divorce filing?

He could kill you in one of his alcoholic rages...there is no reason to stay. You will have to find the courage to save yourself.

Have you tried al anon for yourself? If you can’t go to meetings, order their books and read them every day. You didn’t cause it and you cannot cure it. You either disengage or you leave but you cannot make him stop. There is no point to argue with him. One of the al anon books had this saying “you wont go to bakery to buy vegetables so there is no point to go to addict and demand the kind of marriage you want: he can’t give what he doesn’t have”.

And keep in mind alcoholism is family disease. Both you and your son are suffering from
a disease. It’s up to you if that’s how you want to live. But growing up in alcoholic home damages your son, sometimes beyond repair

Alanon please go to a meeting. You will learn so much there. People are wonderful and truly understand. They will not judge you or tell you what to do, but he support is wonderful. Do it for you