Wife goes on 10 day Vacation With Sisters

I am really struggling with my choosing to go on a vacation with her sisters for 10 days. I am currently laid off from my job and we are struggling to pay our bills. Here brother-in- law decided to buy all the sisters a 10 day trip to Hawaii for his wife (my wife's sister) 40th birthday.

I feel this was extreme and my wife should not have taken a week off of work (with pay). Left me with the entire family and goes and vacations when we are in this turbulent situation.
I expressed how I felt but she still left and said it is paid for. I feel that she should of stayed or the 40th birthday party should be as extreme to ask to leave for 10 days. Am I wrong to feel hurt, depressed, and think that she should not have gone?

Welcome to psych central it’s not “wrong” to feel what you feel. Feelings are feelings. Maybe the timing is bad for you and you are left holding down the fort while your wife is on vacation. I would probably be envious and hurt if this happened to me. However, it is a paid vacation for her. That’s an opportunity that probably doesn’t come around often.

I would use that hurtful energy to seek a better job for myself. I would use every minute of that time she is on vacation to improve myself. Do the things that you like to do for yourself or just relax.

Hi and welcome

May I ask exactly what you find so wrong about her going on vacation?

I doubt your feelings are related to finances as the trip is all expenses paid and her time off work is paid as well.

So I am just wondering wherein lies the problem as you see it?

If you don’t mind I will help brain storm... ( Something I do personally when unsure of the root of an emotion)

• Do you feel incapable of running the household without her for a few days?

• Do you feel upset that she’s out to have a good time while you’re stressed out about finding a new job?

• Do you feel insecure or jealous that she will be gone without you?

• Do you not trust her to go away for a few days?

• Would you prefer she miss her sister’s birthday and wallow at home, miserable with you instead? (Like a “good” souse should)

My apologies if my train of thought seems invasive or insensitive, just trying to help you get to a starting point, so you can address the actual problem.

Personally I don’t see the problem here. I would be happy for a loved one if they had such an opportunity, and the fact that it’s a special celebration would mean I wouldn’t even dream of asking them to decline it for me. I would encourage them to go, even if it meant feeling a bit lonely for a while during a difficult time.

Buuuut that’s just me, I’m not trying to tell you how to feel or think. Just sharing my perspective.

The whole situation is difficult. We are currently facing extreme financial hardship and raising 4 kids. I just feel as I am sitting here with utility cut off notices trying to find ways to stop them from being shut off and she is on vacation. I just feel the focus should be on finding solutions to the major financial hardship we are faced with.

If trip was paid and her vacation days are paid I don’t know why is it a problem that she went on vacation? Maybe I am not understanding the issue.

Most certainly you aren’t wrong about your feelings, feelings aren’t right or wrong, but I don’t think you could expect her to not go. Unless you two have newborn infants at home.

Are you looking for a new job? Are you seeing a therapist?

I know it I had the chance to go on a paid for trip with my 6 sisters my spouse would be carrying my bag to the car and wishing me well.

Feelings aren't necessarily wrong or right; they are just feelings. Is there something else going on? Is a week too long? Will you not function well without her? Maybe the thought of keeping the household running is daunting. When my mom got sick and I had to keep all the balls in the air it was pretty stressful at times because I knew her condition would not improve.

Who knows it's sometimes healthy to spend a little time a part. It can be positive for a relationship. Since she has made the decision to go try and find the positives in this for you and your relationship.

I just feel that my water might get shut off tomorrow because of me being laid off and I am trying to find a way to stop it so my kids can shower she is on vacation. It is tough none of us asked for me to be laid off. It isnt her fault or mine. But I fell she is on vacation and Im here trying to tell my kids we might not have water tomorrow.

Was she aware of the termination notice before she left?
Would her being there have made a financial difference?

yes she was aware of the notice before she left.

Does her bailing on the vacation change the status of the bills?

How does her staying benefit your current situation?

Solutions can be discussed and brainstormed over the phone...

Utility departments can be approached for payment plans as solutions.

I’m still not understanding how her absence impacts you or the household negatively...

If utilities get cut, they get cut with or without her presence, so what exactly is the point of her staying home then?

Sounds to me like you are resentful.

Even though she went on vacation--I bet she knows (you sound like you have likely told her what is going on) and her vacation is likely not stress free. It is probably in the back of her mind. This situation is hard on everyone involved and she will return to it all soon enough.

Sorry you are in such dire straights.....

Another thought I would add to the list here. First off, if the vacation is paid, no financial burden is on you. If her time off is paid, no financial burden is on either of you for her to take time off. So anything related to finances here is really not applicable, I suggest stop attributing your stress to those things.

The real problem is that you're stressed from being out of a job. Which is understandable and so is the idea that your spouse gets a paid vacation while you feel you are burdened by this laid off status. Most people might feel a little envious and maybe hurt because of that but the real issue here is the latter imo.

The thought I wanted to add to this is that it's a stressful period for you and possibly a strain on everyone in the family. Her going on a vacation may actually be a good thing as during periods like this people tend to take things out on each other more. her being on vacation won't affect your job search or finances. She doesn't need to be there for you to take care of your children, I would assume and your job search really is something you have to do yourself too. With that in mind look at this as relief from potential problems related to high stress in the home.

hope this helps.

To me at the moment it is extreme chaos and it has been hard to make ends meet and function day to day with two of us working at. Our vehicle isn't functional and needs repairs and I can't get it fixed until I go back to work.

I just feel working on the financial issues and focusing on fixing our problems is more important the a vacation of choice.

The vacation didn't have to be right now! I know I get called back to work in 6 weeks and things would be better. Plus I was doing side work in the evenings to make some extra money, but now I can't for a week because I have to be home with the kids at night.

It is a unique situation and a total mess. It is hard work and stressful juggling all the financial issues along raising 4 kids for 2 people.

Single parents do it all the time, we manage to figure it out, and for years on end. So I believe that you can manage to do it for a week.

Give yourself some credit, your wife certainly has faith in you as she clearly trusts you to handle it. Maybe you should follow her example.

Sounds like with a recall to work, this routinely happens?

Maybe when she gets back, it's time to rewrite the finances and budgets?

A vacation of choice? Isn't this her sister's 40th? Or a different relative?

With your return to work--would she really, truly be able to go??

I'm with Trippin on the single parents point. I've 3...haven't seen child support in 2.5years....

I admit I would truly be upset. In fact, I did go through this situation.

There must be a background story here however that goes deeper than her leaving when the utility is about to be shut off.

Does your wife go out without you regularly and how do you feel about that? Is there then a deeper problem?

My ex was always going out and away without me. It bothered me as I never went out. His attitude was he didn't want to because he was tired and had just done so. Then go out a day later. I particularly was upset by all the business trips he took. Now, yes jealousy that he was having a good time when I wasn't was a big big factor. But an even bigger factor was that I had reason for suspicion of his behaviour while away.

So I wonder what is behind your own irritation. Is it entirely that she is having fun when you can't or does this go further.

R
Raising the kids is the easy part. It is the added burdens we have because of the financial troubles each day

The trip did not have to be right, Two of the sisters are stay at home moms that live in the winter area and wanted to go now! And it wasn't the one who's birthday it was. So the two non-workers got their way! Even though it wasn't good for us now. I don't get laid off frequently but my company had to do temp layoffs.

As for the single parent thing, I am just saying everyone knows it is busy raising 4 kids without financial issues. Daily im pulling strings to get through each day right now.