I’ve Lost My Faith In Humanity!

I used to belong to a specific art community. It’s very small in a small town. I had a good reputation. I taught many people this art form. I left the art community 5 yrs ago & no one was the wiser.
Presently I’ve decided to sell some very valuable “equipment” that is hard to come by. I know it’s valuable & the only reason I’m selling it is to make room. I don’t NEED to sell it financially.
I had 3 people from this community come to my studio to see what I had. I was uncomfortable doing so, but knew it had to be done. What I was not aware of was the mass email that afterwards went out to the community that included my phone number & email address. So I now have people calling & texting me, asking for things & I have no idea who they are. I feel invaded.
I know I should feel grateful that people are interested but I’d like to do this MY way, not feel like vultures are attacking me looking for cheap stuff! I’ve been asked 3 times now by this community to “donate” my things to them for a tax write off. I don’t want that!
Even as I write this I just had someone text me asking about “what’s left.” And the first thing that they all ask is.....”why are you selling?” To me that’s not really their concern except to start rumors & make assumptions. I don’t answer this question. What a normal person would ask first, I would think, is how much is this.
The emails I’ve received from a few old students ask me what am I selling...oh & do you wanto get a coffee. I find this condescending. If they wanted to get together or know where I’ve been why did it take them so long to contact me? Some I haven’t heard from in close to 10 yrs! The ulterior motive I see here is that they want something from me.

Now some will say this post sounds like paranoia & that on the surface these people are nice & wanto help. But do they really? Where have they been? And I find it ironic that they pop back into my life when there’s something to be gained. It leaves a very nasty taste in my mouth, once again, about the true motivation of humans. It’s either for financial gain or their own self improvement.
Ive seen it so often in people thru my life that I’ve pulled away from society & this proves my theory.
Even in my own life. I’m traveling for a funeral today & my SO says to me before I leave, “have fun!”
Really?
Does anyone on this earth see me a valuable person?

anyone sharing your email, phone, or other communication without your consent was wrong to do so, there is no paranoia involved here. I would be the same way if someone mass emailed my contact information without my consent.

Many people (not all) don't think this is a serious thing and it is. But don't let it further jade your view of the world. Be careful who you share your contact information with and let them know when you do that you don't give permission to share

I’m sorry this happened to you. I get royally pissed off when someone shared my contact information without my consent.

I'm sorry you feel like there was a violation here. Perhaps some of the following could help reduce the anxiety you feel around this.

1. You're selling the equipment. You have as much to gain as the people buying it from you.

2. Being an artist myself, it is not unusual for word to spread about used equipment being sold at a discounted price. You're doing the community a huge favor and that's sincerely helpful.

3. Why did you leave the community? Why are you uncomfortable letting people into your studio? I probably need some more context.

4. If you're a well known artist and instructor who left a community, then you might see this as a bridge for people to try and get back in touch. You are obviously just as valuable as your equipment. Its not surprising that people would want to reach out.

5. You said yourself that you don't need to financially sell these expensive, valuable items. People asking for donations is another way of saying your community needs you. It's your choice not to give but I dont think its a malicious act for them to ask. Are the people who ask for donated equipment part of an art organization?

6. It does suck that someone gave out your info. Were you just letting people know these items were for sale through word of mouth? Do you know who told everyone else? Was it the three people you originally met? If so, perhaps you can send then a kind message not to exchange personal info with anyone else without your permission.

6. I used to teach fiction in an area where there wasnt much of it being taught. My students always liked to catch up with me, which was hard because sometimes I was too depressed or irritable to follow through. It felr like I was letting them down. It sounds like your students cared about you or at the very least want to know what's going on. Did you tell them why you left?

It helps to see things for what they are instead of sussing out potential motives. You're selling something people want. That's the motive, for the most part. Someone obviously mishandled sharing your personal contact with others. You can always contact everyone and kindly express your boundaries about how to reach you.

- Phantogram

Im sorry this is happening to you i would be pi#### too, The people that shared your phone number e-mail had no right to do that and i would tell them it was not apprecated and next time to ask you first.

I don’t mind the sharing of my email as a way to contact me, that makes sense to me, but the sharing of my personal phone number is something I did not want. I did contact one person today asking them not to release my phone number. When I was actually teaching this information was always private unless I gave somebody my business card. My business has been dissolved for yrs now.

I originally put a piece of equipment for sale on Craigslist & sold several things there, but someone local saw it & asked what else I had. I wanted to advertise on Craigslist so ANYONE involved in this art had a chance to purchase it. Now I feel that maybe those closet artists won’t get a chance if I don’t advertise it; it’ll be kept in the closed community. I have someone coming 4 hrs away for a piece of equipment who’s been looking for something for 6 yrs so I know the equipment is valuable. Most people hang on to their equipment which makes it scarce.

I don’t wanto discuss why I’m leaving, or did leave this art. To me, it’s private & I can’t openly explain things without pointing to my MH issues & I do not want that label or be misinterpreted. I’ve become very private especially with my studio & have anxiety just going into my studio let alone having another person in it.

If I did not advertise this sale, no one in the art community would be emailing me or wanting to know “what happened” to me.

I made a grievous mistake the day these people were here & I let something go for pennies. I was not ready for the offer & I was overwhelmed by it. My mistake for letting it go. But I also felt a bit cheated that the person didn’t offer me a fair market value. When I did my homework that night & saw what the product was selling for, which has tripled in price, I felt like an idiot.
So the person I sold this stuff to texted me asking for more. I told them that the price has changed & was told it wasn’t fair of me. (I could really care less if it’s fair of me, knowing that the price of this product will increase with age. I can store it for yrs)
I know that was my mistake & now have changed some prices. But I’m not giving stuff away for pennies.

It's no ones business why you are selling it's private and people need to respect that.

I understand your privacy. I don't think you were making any mistakes. You acted out of your best interests. And if these people came because they saw your ad on Craigslist, then it really is ****ed up that they would give other people your phone number.

Is it too late to take the Craigslist ad down? Maybe just use word of mouth instead and give people an email address?

Personally I'm paranoid about CL as well.

- Phantogram

Patagonia, human beings by nature are opportunists, it's how we are wired to ensure our survival. Yes, people are going to try to find things they need for as reasonable a price as possible, we are all pretty much born bargain hunters and learn how to be resourceful.

Yes I took the ad down 3 days ago bec of the number of people that contacted me thru this art community.
I’m still getting emails from people in this community asking me what I have.
I like Craigslist just bec I can screen what’s coming in. And it’s anonymous

Somehow this has become political battleground with this community which I want nothing to do with! I don’t understand why people feel the need to tell this.

I’m selling this! Pay for it or leave!

Someone came today to look at a piece & told me that no one in their community should be buying it bec it’s not what everyone can use.

I really don’t care or wanto get involved. From what I can glean there’s power struggles going on & I could care less. I don’t understand why he needed to come over & tell me this....except to set me straight.
I’m still getting emails...3-4 a day! I really feel humanity has gone in the toilet!

Just complaining I guess....

I am sorry that this has been so upsetting for you. I am guessing that you don't care to walk onto a car lot and negotiate the price of a car. For me, one of the best things about being married is that my partner loves to negotiate the price of everything. It is sport for him to see how much he can get through negotiation. Without him, I WOULD pay much more for all of our big ticket purchases. Some people just do this whenever they shop. In many foriegn countries--things don't even have a price tag. Everythings negotiable!!

Ever seen the show: American Pickers? It is a show about buying antiques low just to sell at a profit. There are probably many other reality shows like this and people copying it. So many people nowadays find bargains just to turn around and sell on Craig's list or Ebay -- not that there are not poor Artists and humanitarians out there too!!

(((Patagonia))),

Given that you struggle with PTSD, it's very understandable that having people come around your world and challenging you can get you angry. I can understand that in that I tend to be sensitive that way myself. I find that I too can be angered by "intrusive" people and as I have been working through my own history, I have noticed that I have experienced a lot of situations where other people have invaded my boundaries in ways I was really surprised and taken back by. I don't care for the "I am nice to you as long as I get what "I" want out of you" game people engage in. I also don't care for the game people play to downplay a value of something I have so the other person can get it for the price in their head which can be a lot less than the true value.

This might b more towards the root of the problem; I find my art very private & people very intrusive.
It’s hard to believe that I used to enjoy teaching & selling when now it produces so much anxiety. And this art community used to be very nice to me & I felt abandoned by them. I know I still have abandonment issues among other things. I’d be very happy if this beautiful studio that many are envious of, would burn to the ground. It’s such a source of pain.

(((Patagonia))), what I have figured out in my own challenge with PTSD is because a trauma I experienced resulted in "loss" of so much that I cared about, that is the most challenged area of all for me. Unfortunately, when I experienced a post traumatic breakdown, I ended up in a psychward which was the WRONG place for me to get help and I was treated like I was a bad person for experiencing that overwhelming grief and sense of loss. Truth is, I was most definitely "abandoned" in that place by even my own family. My older sister sat across from me at a table and told me I better "get with the program and SNAP out of it, put my big girl panties on or I would lose EVERYTHING. My sister also told my parents not to visit me and my husband did not visit me either and my daughter did not know what to do. So, OE was hurt SO BAD and OE was not only abandoned, but, the reaction OE got was ANGER instead of CARING and consoling.

I believe you when you share that you taught others and shared your "passion" and that you CARED and RESPECTED others when you did that. That is what I did too until I experienced the trauma of losing what I had because of someone's disrespect and negligence. I was literally treated as though my grief and deep sense of loss was INCONVENIENT and that I was "bad". This was even reflected in my records and even the attending psychiatrist at the psychward basically said I was a bad person and even narcissistic for experiencing the grief and sense of loss the way I was.

This desire to burn down your art studio is about getting rid of something you cared about, something that is a reminder of losing something you deeply cared about. This is a desire to get rid of whatever you care about so that you don't have to experience the overwhelming pain of caring and having what you cared about invaded and destroyed and taken from you in some way and disrespected.

The reason these calls make you SO angry is because it's about people who are ready to TAKE from you and lets face it, THEY ARE ONLY THINKING OF THEMSELVES. It's very understandable that when someone, anyone, engages in a conversation that takes "value" away from whatever you are getting rid of would TRIGGER you too. It's understandable that even that person who said, "we will have to go for coffee and talk or catch up etc." would trigger you because you see that offer again as self serving and not really GENUINE.

(((Patagonia))), I want you to know that I am "sorry" and that I am very intimately aware of what you are experiencing and that it's so very hard to articulate what this kind of "hurt" means where one can actually get the kind of "genuine" heartfelt response that includes respect and ability to place a value deserved in whatever you have "lost" that was so important to you. I am also intimately aware of the kind of "abandonment" you are feeling too. I understand on a very deep level why you want to get rid of anything you "cared" about that brought you "joy" and a sense of inner happiness. I know that lack of "FAITH" in humanity feeling as well and the deep disappointment that is "felt". Also this "I don't know how to feel SAFE TO CARE".

I have been so "hurt" that I know "something" in my brain changed and I have learned by reading all that has been discovered in the ongoing research to understand PTSD, that I did suffer from a change in my brain that affected my ability to control how things affect me. I have learned that the trauma I experienced was more than my hypocampus could process and it caused that part of my brain to be hurt and because of that my ability to filter how things go through that part of my brain to my amygdala did not work as well so I ended up being more "emotionally" sensitive. I also struggle with a heightened sense of awareness that is "not" something I consciously choose to experience either. I don't like it when people respond to me with "you are just stuck" either and, as you know by now any kind of comment that suggests a "just" sentiment can make me "angry". I "hate" when anyone uses the expression "well you have to just put your big girl panties on" or "snap out of it". Actually Patagonia, when someone is experiencing this kind of "unwanted sensitivity", that is when that person sees how "insensitive" a lot of people can really be. It can be like being able to hear a pin drop when most people don't. All of these symptoms contribute to that feeling of "abandonment" and loneliness. After all Patagonia, to WANT others to be able to relate and respond with a genuine caring that is supportive and RESPECTFUL and calming that human beings crave to connect, is normal to being human. When that is not accomplished, that is when someone loses their "faith" in humanity.

You know what the "truth" is Patagonia? The longer one lives the more one can see this reality too, is that a lot of people really "don't know HOW to care and RESPECT". This can contribute to that feeling of "loneliness" and even "anger" too. This is what you are seeing with all these different individuals that have approached you about buying your things, these things that were connected to the passion you had that you even shared with others.

Well, I just want you to know "I SEE YOU" and I know what it's like to "hurt" like this and how lonely it can be too. I lost a very important part of me when I suffered so much loss to so much of what I deeply CARED ABOUT. I lost my ability to actually feel SAFE to care. I did not consciously CHOOSE to struggle with this challenge either. Nobody chooses to develop PTSD and become so sensitive like this to a point where the person prefers to "isolate" and "withdraw" and "avoid".

I have noticed that you have made some gains Patagonia, yet, you need more time to heal too. Venting like this can bring more healing in that you have been able to articulate how certain things can trigger you. I have learned that in order to find my way towards making gains on "managing" this challenge, I have to identify each thing that triggers me, it's been a lot of work and can definitely be psychologically and emotionally exhausting. Truth is though Patagonia, a lot of people/human beings genuinely don't know "how" to care the way you want, this doesn't mean you are undeserving.

Thank you very much for this post & for “seeing” me.
In my own family & my SO I’ve been now labeled as a cynic, realist, cold, moody, overly sensitive, grouchy, grumpy & way too serious. And I know I’m a lot of those things so these past 5 yrs I’ve isolated myself very well. There’s comfort in that but also a feeling of being trapped.
It just feels like when I let my walls down I get horribly hurt & a few people that were closest to me did the most damage.
When I sold my first piece of equipment it was to 3 very young sisters that were funny & so into the art! I was happy to see this excitement in them & remember the joy the art once brought....which lead me to sadness. But as soon as they left, my SO only asked what money I made, ignored me & took my space. I ended up crying in front of my kids which upset me even more! I lost control of hiding how I felt. I don’t show anyone how I feel bec it’s not respected. My kids don’t need that.

The second piece of equipment that was sold, she didn’t know much about the equipment at all & keeps pesting me with questions via email. I don’t teach anymore! And feel if she wants these basic answers then ask google or maybe she wasn’t ready to buy it. Not my problem! I don’t teach for free! Yes, I have a wealth of information on the subject, but I have no desire to share it. It’s not valued.
My view on this art is very driven by Eastern roots. Most if not all, are all Western influenced & I don’t care to argue.
I have one old student I told her “I have 5 of these...& 8 of these..”. She told me she’d buy them & any more that I have. See now I thought that was Very rude! It’s what I have, I don’t have anymore! It’s gone!

I’ve started to get used to being isolated & alone. I know that my thinking & how I view situations, conversations & actions is very different than most. I feel it’s just the way I am now & I can’t go back to who I was.
People still wanto buy stuff so I’ve told them I’ll put it on my porch & just tell them to leave the money when I’m not here. I don’t wanto interact with them...& I know on the surface, to others, it makes me sound & look weird or odd. Maybe even a snob, I’m sure. I’ve even thought of telling people I’ve had a traumatic brain injury & cant socialize just so they’d leave me alone. But I figure that would back fire

(((Patagonia))), when your husband asked you how much you got for something you sold, that was "none of his business" first of all, but, wouldn't it have been nice if he gave you a hug, rubbed your back and asked you if you were ok and even said, " that was hard for you to part with, you did good though hun in that you let go and I know that is hard for you".

I know what you mean in that the people who hurt you the most were the people that were closest to you too. I experienced the same "hurt" myself and it only added more hurt and negative to the trauma I experienced from the loss I suffered that was deeply important and personal to me.

YES, I have been labeled these things myself Patagonia and I am sorry you have been going through this, unfortunately, this is part of what happens when a person suffers from PTSD, I have experienced the same challenge and yes, I can relate to "the past five years" when you give that timeline. I also know that feeling of being "trapped" too and it's very hard to explain it to others that can respond with invalidating replies like "you are just stuck, snap out of it, push yourself to get out, you need to socialize more, you isolate too much, you are too sensitive and get angry too easily and you LET things bother you too much" etc, etc. I really "hate" the last statement "let things bother you too much", because as you know that is NOT the truth, it's not a choice because of how the person is genuinely struggling a lot and how this challenge can be so INTRUSIVE.

You are right, you did suffer a "traumatic brain injury" Patagonia. Everyone that struggles with this challenge says the same thing "Why can't I just like I used to", I have said that countless times myself. Well, that is because you and I and many others who struggle this way experienced some kind of trauma that overloaded their brain and it actually changed their brain. What I have learned by following the studies that are being done when it comes to understanding this challenge "scientifically", is that a person can experience a trauma that is beyond what that person can handle and it actually causes damage to the hypo campus that is responsible for screening all the things the person experiences that filters out these experiences before these experiences reach the amygdala which is the area of the brain that has/produces our emotional reactions.

I am sorry Patagonia, you have been in hell and it's terrible, impossible to articulate and can be debilitating which is why people that struggle with it begin to avoid and isolate and also distance from things they "care" about too. YES, this challenge is HARD and because those who are close to us "expect" us to be who we used to be and we struggle with that SO MUCH, they react with: I have found myself often wishing the people around me would experience what it's like for themselves for a time so they would realize just how challenging it actually is and how much EFFORT is involved with "just" getting through the day with it.

Patagonia, I have watched you struggling as you have posted each stage you have been hit with since you joined Psych Central. You have been through a lot with this challenge and while you are not completely recovered, you have made some gains on it. Truth is that those of us who struggle with this challenge have to learn how to live our lives differently, we have to slowly figure out how to manage the ongoing sensitivities that come with this challenge that NOBODY understands unless they struggle with it themselves. Truth is, it's like any other life changing injury that presents a person with a physical challenge they have to learn how to live around, only this is in the brain itself and the biggest challenge with that is that others can't "see" what has changed and what that means to the person struggling. I often describe it as how others get to put their car in drive and just go, while I have to learn how to manually shift gears which requires more thought than others have to expend. Also, as with a physical limitation, I have realized that I get tired more because of the EXTRA effort I have to put into so many things now. I have learned how there are certain things I used to be able to do that are much harder for me "now" because of what I have too. I do find myself wishing others around me could better respect how I am challenged and be more supportive instead of responding with all these things that just make me want to distance and "avoid" too. YES, because of this kind of ongoing challenge, it does bring on that feeling of "abandonment". I don't mean to be this sensitive either, I find myself still wishing I could be like I used to be where I was better able to ignore so many things that bother me now.

I know how it is to let go of something you used to benefit so much from engaging in Patagonia. I also know how it's nicer when someone else is getting something we had that contributed to who we were when that other person is truly "grateful" like we once were verses someone who just wants to "take" and talks about whatever it is not having value so they can get whatever it is cheaper. I know how it's feels when your husband wants to know "how much did you make" and WHY that is not as important to you and how offensive that can be in the bigger picture of what you just let go and what it means to you in such a personal way what that letting go really means to you. I also can totally understand how you genuinely don't want someone bugging you once you part ways with something, truth is you just want to accomplish parting ways, you don't want to have any more connections with it once it's gone right?

Well, this challenge has a symptom that is VERY HARD to articulate to others where others will have a response that will help bring comfort, this desire to want to get rid of reminders. This is connected to your desire to get rid of your art studio too Patagonia. It's very hard to explain to others what that really means. Perhaps it's similar to someone who suffered damage to one leg and who used to be an avid bike enthusiast and wants to just get rid of their bicycle so they are no longer reminded of what they used to enjoy that they simply can no longer enjoy. It is nice to have someone else remove it in a way that RESPECTS that instead of someone downplaying it's value or buying it and then pestering you about it. And yes, it's understandable how "what money you got for it being profitable" because THAT has nothing to do with what you are actually accomplishing when you part ways with the past that you can see as no longer being able to do in the "now". Oh, I know this "anger" and need to vent too Patagonia, I so want you to know "I hear you" and I know you are TRYING and how hard that really is for you. I know how you want things to go that will help this task of yours go smoother for you and as quickly and painless as possible.

It’s taken me a couple of days to digest this response. Thank you for it & for your understanding. Nice to know one person understands me.
Yeah it would’ve been nice for my SO to notice my feelings, but I’m very used to being ignored or kept at arms length just bec someone doesn’t “get it.”
Yesterday someone came to look & buy stuff & they talked non stop for 25min...all about themselves! I had to plaster a smile on my face & she said, “nice to talk to you.” Which grates my nerves & afterwards I realized that short interaction was exhausting for me. I felt drained keeping that facade up.
I really hate the “you let things bother you too much,” statement. I know I dwell on things, I mull them over & pull them apart & analyze things, & sometimes I just have to tell my brain to shut up...not everyone thinks this much & blame myself for overthinking. I hate that I can’t think on my feet fast enough while someone is in front of me. I see myself as too sympathetic & next thing I know I regret something.
Putting the art away, to me, is just a closing of a chapter in my life. Sure I can tell myself I can get back into it at any time...& maybe I’ll feel differently in yrs to come. But out of sight; out of mind.
I despise the question I get every single time someone comes to get something “well if you’re not doing this art, what are you doing with yourself?” That is a hard limit!

And something else I see is that my actions of closing this chapter, taking responsibility for all this stuff & dealing with it, finally, well I feel like I’m moving forward. Now my SO sees it as a sign that Sui is eminent. That I’m prepping for my demise. So it’s not seen as a positive.

I was wondering if you needed time to think about what I had posted. I wanted you to experience how someone else "can" actually identify with where you are right now because they can relate to what you are trying to "vent". I actually can identify with the type of interactions and engaging with others that can become so exhausting.

YES! It really takes time to decide what things you had engaged yourself in are things that at this point in your life are too demanding on you. From reading through what you have shared Patagonia, it sounds to me that your art began to be about pleasing others in some way instead of providing you with something you could explore and enjoy for yourself. Perhaps, what you are really giving up is the "stress" that developed where your passion began to turn into an uncomfortable "stress prison". When someone is very creative, one of the things that can be a creative killer is when that passion needs to be seen as "profitable". Creativity is not something that bodes well with "stress", instead it needs to be "free flowing" and unfortunately, this is something that individuals who are mere consumers and critics don't understand. This is what you are touching on when you talk about loathing of the politics when it comes to how you engaged in the art medium that you felt comfortable with in your own creative passion. It isn't the studio that you hate so much, instead it's what it represents that turned into stress instead of a place you felt "safe" in where what you created was "free flowing". You wanted it to be a "haven" and instead it wasn't that "haven".

Thank you! I’ve had a terrible anxiety attack today over this...someone went way over my boundaries! And I haven’t really had a nasty one for yrs. it’s a waste of a day today.
Maybe tomorrow I can post.
Thanks