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Old 04-19-2018, 01:30 AM #1
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Question Suspect new friends are 'Taker's'

And I just don't want to ride this train again. Did not eat or take meds all day for the second day in a row and depressed for the first time in a while. Tonight I realized why. I am looking outside myself for validation
and absolutely hate it. The couple who live downstairs are very nice to me, but they are both serious alcoholics on the verge of eviction. On impulse I gave her a hundred bucks a couple of weeks ago to buy medication because she had been ill and could not afford it. I didn't expect the money back, of course, but she seemed so grateful. She
offered to help me clean since I am still recovering from a recent heart
attack. But that didn't happen. She has been to my apartment twice for
about ten minutes to pour out her woes. I feel for this woman, I truly do.
She is in her fourties and has been abused her entire life. But today she
hit me up for smokes and reminded me her birthday is Sat. Told me about a movie she and her fiance wanted to see, 'but we're broke'. I didn't get the chance to tell her I couldn't take them because my PTSD
doesn't let me do movies anymore. Cause I don't ever really get to talk.
Yeah, I can see where this is going. She saw some jewelry I was making, told me she wanted it and now expects me to come to her place on her birthday with a $45 piece that took me three days to make!
So...I feel sorry for her but I'm healing and I'm just tired of being used.
Think I'm being too harsh? Or reading the signs incorrectly? I'm really
interested in other members opinions on this. Thanks.
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Old 04-19-2018, 12:36 PM #2
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Default Re: Suspect new friends are 'Taker's'

Quote:
Originally Posted by YoucancallmeFlower View Post
On impulse I gave her a hundred bucks a couple of weeks ago to buy medication because she had been ill and could not afford it. I didn't expect the money back, of course, but she seemed so grateful. She
offered to help me clean since I am still recovering from a recent heart
attack. But that didn't happen.
She saw some jewelry I was making, told me she wanted it and now expects me to come to her place on her birthday with a $45 piece that took me three days to make!
That was so nice of you to give her money but now she has proven her "true colors" by not trying to make any "nice" gesture of some sort (how often has she thanked you?) She shouldn't have offered to clean if she wasn't going to follow through--unless she eventually does this--she has done you a favor by making it obvious that she is lacking in character. Stay away from her as much as you can. Talk to us here instead.

Now that you realize who she is--don't give her anything else--and if you are broke--you do not need jewelry--that is just crazy to "want" if you can't pay the bills....

If you fall for another sob story--your depression will get oh so bad. I guarantee it but you don't have to go there.
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Old 04-19-2018, 12:40 PM #3
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Default Re: Suspect new friends are 'Taker's'

I think you are reading the situation pretty spot on. I would suggest not answering the door next time she comes over.
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Old 04-19-2018, 12:47 PM #4
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Heart Re: Suspect new friends are 'Taker's'

I think you know best as to how this is playing out.

You can try to avoid her, or simply tell her you cannot afford to give her/them more.

It was very generous of you to give her the money for her meds. Now you'll do well to set some boundaries.

If you wish to help her, redirect her and her financial needs to agencies/churches able to help her.

Please take care of yourself without feeling guilty.


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Old 04-19-2018, 01:13 PM #5
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Default Re: Suspect new friends are 'Taker's'

I don't think you're being harsh at all.. You know better now.
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Old 04-19-2018, 03:09 PM #6
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Default Re: Suspect new friends are 'Taker's'

I have learned the following: Be careful of what precedents you set.

You're not the only one who is reading signs. Your downstairs neighbor is reading signs from you -like: If you need anything, let me know. Handing someone $100 that you don't expect back is pretty extravagant.

When I moved into my apartment ten years ago, my neighbor's adult son rang my doorbell the second night I was there. "Hi, I'm so-and-so. Could you lend me $20?" My answer: "Sorry, I haven't got any cash." That's my stock answer to getting asked that question by someone I don't want to get into a money-lending relationship with.

It turned out that this young man is a drug addict. I've lost track of how many times he has asked, "Hey, can you lend me $10?" He always gets the same answer from me: "Sorry, I don't have any money." I always have money, and he probably figures that I do. But I'm not getting into a back-and-forth with him. I never ask what he needs it for. Some conversations are not smart to get into. Sometimes he puts on a pleading facial expression with wrinkled brow and says, "Hey, could you possibly, please, please lend me just $5?" Then I say, "Gee, I'm sorry. I don't have any cash." I'm like a broken record.

The funny thing is that I don't dislike him and we get along great. He always gives me a cherry "hello," and I always make a little friendly small talk with him. But I'm very glad I set the right precedent right from the get-go. I think that's why there's no hard feelings between us.

It's never too late. You just gave to re-wire your neighbor's expectations. To do that, it's your own behavior that has to change. You don't have to get mad or go giving her any lecture. You just stop letting her decide what you're going to do.

Your time is just like your money. You don't have to let people just help themselves to your time whenever they feel like it, either. You don't have to let people "button-hole" you. (That's when you feel trapped into having a conversation you don't really want to partake of.) Same approach: "Gee, I'm sorry, but I have to make an important phone call. You'll have to excuse me. Bye." The flimsier your excuse, the better. That way the person catches on that you are simply dismissing them and taking control of what is rightly yours - your time. However, making some excuse allows everyone to save face. The flimsy excuse is a kindness on your part. And the person trying to hustle you will take it as such. That's what they instinctively do when someone tries to hustle them. The beauty of this approach is that no one has to be offended.
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