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Zararose
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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 09:21 AM
  #1
I'm starting to feel really insecure. He keeps 'commenting' or making reference to my body. Things like putting on 'flab' /weight since we first started dating. Teasing me about my tummy and back fat. Now he's commented on the appearance of my bum. He's super fit and strong but used to be larger so he has a complex himself. I don't think he means to put me down. I think he wants to encourage me. I don't think he realises how insecure I am about my image. I used to try and starve myself through the day. I would chew foods and spit them out.
I don't want to 'nag' him about this again. I feel like I'm too sensitive. Should I just build a backbone and get over it?
Maybe I shoudl lose weight so I can feel more confident and sexy? But I've been skinnier and I wasn't any happier
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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 09:24 AM
  #2
I am sorry to hear that you feel you are the problem here. His comments are not acceptable. I would tell him how they make you feel. Perhaps he doesn't realize. Please do not think you have to change anything because of his rude behaviour.
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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 09:27 AM
  #3
I'm 174cm tall and weigh 64kg. Pretty sure I'm healthy range.
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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 09:31 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by Zararose View Post
I'm starting to feel really insecure. He keeps 'commenting' or making reference to my body. Things like putting on 'flab' /weight since we first started dating. Teasing me about my tummy and back fat. Now he's commented on the appearance of my bum. He's super fit and strong but used to be larger so he has a complex himself. I don't think he means to put me down. I think he wants to encourage me. I don't think he realises how insecure I am about my image. I used to try and starve myself through the day. I would chew foods and spit them out.
I don't want to 'nag' him about this again. I feel like I'm too sensitive. Should I just build a backbone and get over it?
Maybe I shoudl lose weight so I can feel more confident and sexy? But I've been skinnier and I wasn't any happier
He doesn't mean to put you down. But he is putting you down. That is not healthy, it is discouraging, and ultimately toxic behavior.

Was he the one saying that you "nag" him about it? To tell someone how you feel when they disrespect you is not nagging. At all.

Do you want to lose weight and feel sexy? You can do it on your own terms. Don't let him dictate how you should look and feel. That is for you to explore.

I'm so sorry he is doing this to you. My boyfriend called me a ***** when I didn't feel like doing pull-ups. I thought it was my fault and didn't acknowledge that due to chronic and mental illness it was easy for me to fatigue and even easier for me to overdo it to the point of damn near killing myself. About two years after the breakup I'm only now learning to love my body again.

When it comes to circumstances like this, no man is worth it. I say dump him.

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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 12:52 PM
  #5
Tell him that you don’t appreciate “his encouragement.” It is NOT nagging to care for and protect yourself. If he’s ignores you and continues to body shame you...I would give some serious thought as to whether or not the relationship is good for you.

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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 03:06 PM
  #6
He sucks !

Use “I” sentences

I feel bad when you point out any weight change I have had.

I feel you are triggering me to stress over myself and I already struggle with body imagine.

I would rather have your support than being upset with me over ( whatever exercise)

I want mutual respect in our relationship

Stand your ground no matter how hard it is , don’t let anyone put you down

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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 03:10 PM
  #7
You deserve to feel love just the way you are. If you want to change your outward appearance, it shouldn't be for someone else's pleasure/convenience.

Tell him exactly how his rude statements on your weight (which is perfectly healthy BTW) makes you feel. He needs to know how hurtful words exactly are. Sometimes we can be oblivious to how our words hurt one another.

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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 03:41 PM
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yes, his comments are in fact quite mean and are not helping you to feel good about yourself -- they're making you feel insecure! That is no good. I would tell him he must quit it with these types of comments and let him know how they make you feel. I personally wouldn't want to be putting up with that kind of treatment or behavior.
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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 05:56 PM
  #9
Thanks everyone for your input! I do feel better and I know now I'm not 'crazy?? For feeling like this. He always says women are crazy and nagging. I don't think he's ever specifically said I nag him. I'm going to call him out next time he says something. I've had enough
He said when we first dated I was underweight.. now im fatter or what ever. Not that's he's said that I'm fat but he's referenced that I've 'let my self go'. I don't know if he's joking or What? I've only put on 4-5 kg. So I wonder what his ideal weight for me is.. 62.75????? He says I don't put effort in at the gym. I'm there most days now! He introduced me all these carbs that I never used to eat before.. bread also butter and milk.
Ugh :-( I wish I could not care and let this go
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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 05:58 PM
  #10
Better yet, let him go...you don't need your boyfriend micromanaging your weight.

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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 06:12 PM
  #11
I’m kind of hoping that you wake up tomorrow feeling fantabulous. Then look in the mirror and think “who the hell is this dude to tell me how my body should be or how often I go to the gym.?. The very nerve!”

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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 08:32 PM
  #12
This situation isn't about what you weight so much as it is about control. Your boyfriend wants to be in such control over you that he determines the very idea of what you should look like. This, in essence, is the very definition of abuse. He is abusing you emotionally and this is unacceptable. You deserve a boyfriend who doesn't mind what shape your body is in, who doesn't control your life down to what you should and shouldn't eat. It's none of a guy's business to say what your diet should consist of.

I know it's very hard to leave a controlling situation such as this, and sometimes women never really do leave it, it follows them into the next relationship, should it happen, or worse, it winds up being their end.

I'm sending you the courage and strength to be able to recognize that this is relationship is abusive, wrong and that you can do so much better than him. I also send you the strength and courage to walk out that door, be it proverbial or literal, and leave him behind, to move on with your life and find a guy who appreciates you and deserves your kind heart and warm embrace.

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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 10:14 PM
  #13
Time to get a " guy who literally " FLIPS" OVER you!!☺☺☺☺
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Default Apr 25, 2018 at 10:27 PM
  #14
I also was wondering about control. I am biased.

If you stay in the relationship.....I don’t know how to say it. I want to say watch out for escalating controlling behaviors. However, that would mean there’s no trust and I think trust is essential for a healthy relationship. I think insults about weight and appearance...I don’t think it’s nice.

I think direct communication from him if he REALLY has a problem with your appearance is better than insulting your partner or trying to control. Then you’ll know, ideally, if you want to change or not. And find out if his feelings are conditional.

If you do the above, be prepared for being told you’re being overly sensitive or blowing his comments out of proportion. Control.

Wishing you the best. You deserve it!

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Default Apr 26, 2018 at 01:20 PM
  #15
if you're happy with your weight, and know that being skinny doesn' tdo anything for you then don't do anything. if he's not happy with it he can go jump in a lake.. it's not up to him how skinny or not so skinny you are. period. no ifs ands or buts.

If he can't or wont' back off on this crap, I honestly can only say you need to find a new partner that isn't going to be so superficial, stupid and arrogant. it's rude and obnoxious to do what he's doing and you deserve better.
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Default Apr 26, 2018 at 02:27 PM
  #16
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Originally Posted by Shazerac View Post
I’m kind of hoping that you wake up tomorrow feeling fantabulous. Then look in the mirror and think “who the hell is this dude to tell me how my body should be or how often I go to the gym.?. The very nerve!”
Very true, Shaz!!!!
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Default Apr 26, 2018 at 02:29 PM
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if you're happy with your weight, and know that being skinny doesn' tdo anything for you then don't do anything. if he's not happy with it he can go jump in a lake.. it's not up to him how skinny or not so skinny you are. period. no ifs ands or buts.

If he can't or wont' back off on this crap, I honestly can only say you need to find a new partner that isn't going to be so superficial, stupid and arrogant. it's rude and obnoxious to do what he's doing and you deserve better.
Truly said well, there! You aren't telling him " what to look like or what not to look like", so....he has ALOT of nerve!!
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Default Apr 26, 2018 at 03:13 PM
  #18
I can never wrap my mind around phrases like “let yourself go”. Why not being thin means someone “let themselves go???” People gain weight for hundred different reasons: normal aging process, hormones, meds, simply genetic predisposition and many people simply don’t even want or need to be skinny!

Years ago I dated a guy who was obsessed with weight (women’s), I was very thin at the time but apparently not thin enough for his taste? it bothered me greatly and I shared it with a therapist and she said she is suspicious of men wanting women be underweight and skinny. Can they only feel attraction to women who look and feel like girls, not like women? Something to ponder...I dumped him shortly after.
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Default Apr 26, 2018 at 03:52 PM
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I agree with Divine. “Let yourself go” is a perjorative term. It’s judgemental, and expresses criticism, manipulation, and a profound lack of acceptance of you as separate, wonderful, and unique person who is just fine how you are.

My knee jerk reaction would be to say kick him to the curb. HOWEVER, and the reason I capitalized this is because I have an entirely different viewpoint at the same time. Our experience of a relationship is colored by how we behave and react to situations in the relationship. I have found that when I started have self esteem and self respect for myself, people behaved differently. It was like a whole different relationship.

At first I encountered extreme reactions and resistance. But it got more comfortable as people got used to the new me. The most extreme reaction being when I decided to say my daughter’s father “I’m out of here I’ve had enough of you telling me how awful I am, tearing me down and beating me up!” He back handed me. I thought in my head “thank you! Now I know I made the right decision.”

My advice to you from the old lady perspective is to a good look inside yourself and ask “am I worth it? Do I deserve this? Am I not ok how I am.?” Listen to your answers. Life is to short to be around people who criticize you and try to belittle you for being yourself

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Default Apr 26, 2018 at 04:08 PM
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I can never wrap my mind around phrases like “let yourself go”. Why not being thin means someone “let themselves go???” People gain weight for hundred different reasons: normal aging process, hormones, meds, simply genetic predisposition and many people simply don’t even want or need to be skinny!

Years ago I dated a guy who was obsessed with weight (women’s), I was very thin at the time but apparently not thin enough for his taste? it bothered me greatly and I shared it with a therapist and she said she is suspicious of men wanting women be underweight and skinny. Can they only feel attraction to women who look and feel like girls, not like women? Something to ponder...I dumped him shortly after.


I disagree with your therapist at the time being suspicious of men that are attracted to thin women. why does everything have to be reduced to some perversion? to me it makes me suspicious of how unbiased your therapist was to be honest. That's a huge jump from what men prefer to some kind of perversion related to underage or young girls. >.>

No I think the problem does not lie within the guy's preferences at all. We all have them and they are not unreasonable. their expectations that the partner has to fit their preference is the problem. Whether that be being the ideal weight or otherwise it's unreasonable. It would be exactly the same problem if the guy were to pick a skinny girl and expect her to unreasonably gain weight. that is of course reaching as I'm sure it doesn't happen often really but the example I think is a good one. connect with someone that has values, physical attributes, behaviors and then try to change any one of them and punish that person if they don't is wrong in every. single. case.
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