Trust and jealousy

Zararose · Apr 24, 2018 at 07:51 PM

How have people dealt with jealousy and learning to trust someone? My boyfriend has turned his life around.. made more friends in the process.. yes, some female friends. I'm still depressed and miserable. How can I learn to trust? I'm not even worried about cheating. What if he's flirting with some?.. or they're sending sexy pictures? What if he just really likes them? And he's said they're cool or funny.

I struggle making abd maintaining friends. I've starting chatting with this guy from a social group I'm hoping to go along to so I can make more friends of my own. Why do I feel guilty when I know it's harmless chat and I've been open about being in a relationship? I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I also really struggle befriending females. I don't know why but I find it very difficult. Maybe cause females are clicky? I'm not sure

healingme4me · Apr 24, 2018 at 09:44 PM

Is it truly guilt? What about disappointment? Or any other range of emotions? Fear? Vulnerability?

Not to say that guilt doesn't play a small role. Here your bf is branching out in life and is developing friendships with women and you are seeking your own independence and have befriended another man in hopes of expanding your social circle.

I can appreciate what it's like to have better connection with men over women, as sometimes it's a matter of shared similar interests. In that regard, you are actually staying true to yourself and your own interests.

What about grief? Is there a feeling of something missing in your relationship that is bringing such feelings to light?

I could be way off. I don't feel you are doing wrong by him. I ask based upon how you started your OP.

mote.of.soul · Apr 26, 2018 at 04:51 AM

Hi. I'm sure it can be done but I personally don't know how a person learns to trust or to overcome the trust issues. Maybe you can ask in a nice way for your boyfriend to give you a little reassurance now and then. I don't see anything wrong with that - we all have our insecurities in one way or another. All the best. Maybe just try not to think about worse case scenarios as well, and focus primarily on your personal goals, which you are doing by the looks of things. Good luck.

Bill3 · Apr 26, 2018 at 04:25 PM

He has not “completely” turned his life around if he still makes those comments about your body.

No wonder you feel insecure.

You commented in another thread that you have never in your whole life felt accepted. Have you been able to discuss these feelings with a therapist?

Zararose · Apr 26, 2018 at 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

He has not “completely” turned his life around if he still makes those comments about your body.

No wonder you feel insecure.

You commented in another thread that you have never in your whole life felt accepted. Have you been able to discuss these feelings with a therapist?

I tried going to a therapist but it was a horrible experience. It felt like an interrogation. One personal question thrown at me after another, without any validation for what I was going through. I know not every therapist is like that. I have so much on My plate that organising another go appointment and referral feels like a big task. My outlet has become forums/threads and counselling helplines.
I had another experience this morning where he was just small talking with someone.. after that I just broke down and cried.. not because of what happened but because I realised that in a couple of days time I i know i won't even care about this women.. but it will be something else that's bothering me. Another comment. Another friend. Another setting where I feel inadequate. I carry around these feelings all day every day. Its exhausting. I'm wondering if I will ever adjust or if I'd be happier single and alone.

Bill3 · Apr 26, 2018 at 08:27 PM

Do you get a chance on threads or hotlines to speak about your childhood and your relationship with parents/caregivers? Quite often problems such as you have described have roots in childhood, particularly in relationships with parents.

Zararose · Apr 27, 2018 at 04:02 AM

I think I have some idea where these fears come from. I remember my parents were strict. Lots of expectations but I don't remember a lot of affection either. I don't recall my mum ever telling me she loved me or her ever playing with us. She didn't start hugging me until I left home. I don't think she was happy and I think she had 'checked out because dad was a little ocd. I was the middle of three girls, very close in age to the eldest, who was outspoken, attractive, sociable, intelligent. I am very introverted and didn't make friends easy. I still don't. I wonder if it was just social anxiety or something else.. like those on the spectrum who don't understand social cues/behaviours but it may just be I was so quiet I never got the chance to practice those social skills so now I'm so inert in social situations. I feel alone even when I'm surrounded by people. Even in my family, I feel like an extra. But I know I have it good compared to others. I have no traumatic experiences in my childhood which is fortunate.!!

magicalprince · Apr 27, 2018 at 04:22 AM

Honestly (this is probably not helpful but it's just my perspective) for me I can't stand when I have jealous thoughts, I could never live with myself thinking like that for long. I wouldn't want to be with someone who would get bored of me and start looking elsewhere. I don't have the energy to be jealous, I'd rather be single than be in a relationship where I was constantly worrying I'd be cheated on.

I think jealousy is related a lot to self-esteem. When I feel jealous I try to look at my own self-esteem and figure out why I feel insufficient.

Shazerac · Apr 27, 2018 at 11:05 AM

Bases on this thread and the one you posted about your boyfriend commenting on your body it really sounds like you are in a relationship that is not healthy for you.

A healthy partner accepts you as you are and doesn’t body shame you or tear you down. A healthy partner looks for the good in you.

In my heart I kind of feel that you are mistaking insecurity for jealousy. You worry that he’s flirting with other women and that somehow you are not good enough and that he’s going to look elsewhere.

If you were calm a secure in your own self and body you maybe think along the lines of “he wants to be with other women? Pffft his loss. Plenty more fish in the sea.”

Zararose · Apr 29, 2018 at 12:38 AM

Yeah I don't feel enough for him. I was paranoid about a new female friend. I looked at his face when her and her boyfriend were acting romantically. Maybe it was just in my head but he looked a little jealous. I asked him if he had a little crush on her. I've read into signs when you can tell someone is lying. He acted defensive and gave reason why it was a silly question... But he never answered the question.

Afterwards I thought, why would he say 'yes' regardless of the truthful answer. That would be like relationship suicide. Unless he WANTED to break up with me, he would never say 'yes to having a crush on anyone. There's really no point in me asking further because he'll just deny it all.

I feel my insecurities are pushing us apart. I'm protecting myself

divine1966 · Apr 29, 2018 at 09:05 AM

Don’t believe your insecurities are causing problems. I think it’s his behavior towards you that is the source of issues

Shazerac · Apr 29, 2018 at 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zararose

Yeah I don't feel enough for him. I was paranoid about a new female friend. I looked at his face when her and her boyfriend were acting romantically. Maybe it was just in my head but he looked a little jealous. I asked him if he had a little crush on her. I've read into signs when you can tell someone is lying. He acted defensive and gave reason why it was a silly question... But he never answered the question.

Afterwards I thought, why would he say 'yes' regardless of the truthful answer. That would be like relationship suicide. Unless he WANTED to break up with me, he would never say 'yes to having a crush on anyone. There's really no point in me asking further because he'll just deny it all.

I feel my insecurities are pushing us apart. I'm protecting myself

Maybe look it another way. Your “insecurities” as you refer to them could actually being your gut instincts trying break though and tell you that this is not a healthy relationship.

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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Apr 26, 2018 at 04:25 PM #4 He has not “completely” turned his life around if he still makes those comments about your body. No wonder you feel insecure. You commented in another thread that you have never in your whole life felt accepted. Have you been able to discuss these feelings with a therapist?
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Apr 26, 2018 at 08:27 PM #6 Do you get a chance on threads or hotlines to speak about your childhood and your relationship with parents/caregivers? Quite often problems such as you have described have roots in childhood, particularly in relationships with parents.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,375 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Apr 29, 2018 at 09:05 AM #11 Don’t believe your insecurities are causing problems. I think it’s his behavior towards you that is the source of issues
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