So, my husband had psych tests done....

It was part of a slew of various tests that were done. He was having trouble remembering little things. I'd give him information. He'd acknowledge it, and five minutes later, he'd ask me a question that makes it obvious he didn't get a word I said. When his aunt was diagnosed with dementia, *and* something bad happened at work due to a mental lapse on his part, he thought maybe he should get looked at too, so he had various tests done. He already knows he's diabetic, and the testing picked up sleep apnea. Both of these things can also affect cognitive function. It could very well be, that's all it is.

He does have PTSD from childhood abuse, but he absolutely, flatly, refuses to address it. He thinks he's fine and has no behavioral issues he needs to work on. So when he had the appointment today to discuss the psych testing, he actually had the psychologist call me at home while he was in the office to tell me the testing didn't show any cognitive or memory issues. That is, in effect, "See? I told you there's nothing wrong with me, and here's the psychologist's say-so to prove it."

My concerns are:

So if there is nothing wrong in his head, then those times I think he's just not listening, that means he really is just not listening?

By refusing to go to therapy, while I've been going all along, he is essentially saying, "I don't have any issues. You're the one with a problem in this marriage." So any time there is a conflict or I get emotional to any degree, he can (and does) throw that at me. He gets to join in that game of "identified patient" that has been played with me all my life.

I hope I can at least get him to stop asking if I need to "see a doctor" or "check in" (that's what he calls having a mental evaluation) every time I'm even the slightest bit upset. Now he has it on paper that I really do have a mental health diagnosis while he doesn't, so he can hold it against me any time he wants to. I guess that's what really bothers me about it.

Um, he doesn't have cognitive or memory struggles, but I don't believe that's all that testing looks at.

Don't let him bully you like that.

Maybe focus on the areas of the marriage that are bothersome to you?

For instance, feeling ignored when he tunes you out.
Feeling picked on when he focuses on your seeking therapy.
Feeling like the marriage is lopsided and not respectful.
At some point in time he must have had enough intense feelings to ask for your hand in marriage.
At some point he must have envisioned growing old with you. Where did that go?

Holding mental illness against you is quite unacceptable. What’s he thinking? I don’t have MI but my husband has tourettes and OCD. He didn’t choose to have it. I don’t understand how I’d hold him against him?

Your husband doesn’t sound very loving, does he have redeeming qualities?

"Didn't have any cognitive or memory issues" is a good thing. Doesn't seem that this covers any emotional issues he may or may not have. If he wants to ignore issues then there is sadly not much you can do.

The fact that he holds your diagnosis against you is cruel and I deduce that he has a case of ***hole-itis.

He sounds like a garden variety jerk. If you’re in therapy that’s a good thing. maybe work on self esteem and standing up for yourself. Throwing your mental illness in your face and suggesting that you need to “check in” is controlling and abusive.

Hopefully you will get strong enough to say “no I don’t need to check in! I need YOU to stop acting like a jackass and listen to me!”

I wouldn't call him a complete jerk, although his behavior is insensitive at times and I can see where people come to that conclusion. He works as a bus driver. I've seen him interact with passengers. A lot of *them* think he's a jerk. It's not his intention. He's brusque and businesslike and can come off as abrupt. The testing did show he's very low on verbal communication skills. Words fail him often. He doesn't know the right way to communicate what he's thinking. But I think verbal communication includes listening and comprehending as well as speaking. Right?

He does agree to go to counseling *with me,* but not alone. It surprised him that I wanted to, because he was (and probably still is) under the impression that couples counseling is for people whose marriage is in trouble, and they're making a last-ditch desperate attempt to save it. The idea of going to counseling to solve little problems before they turn into big problems is foreign to him.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume that he's "just a jerk". I think that if that were the case, he probably wouldn't have gone to get tested in the first place. Many people in my experience can take one doctor (or other professional/trusted source)'s opinion and say - case closed, this is truth, end of discussion. When in reality, it's never so simple. Just because they didn't find any problems in that round of testing doesn't mean that different testing at a different time by a different doctor might not return different results. Especially as it pertains to mental health, symptoms may not always be present. I can imagine from a human perspective that it's easier for him to deal with a positive test outcome than it would be to entertain the possibility that maybe he needs to investigate further, and he can use the "it's not me it's you" card as an excuse not to deal with whatever symptoms he is exhibiting.

And sometimes, at the end of the day, we just have very different priorities and concerns than our partners and we can't force them to see things our way. The question is, how do you co-exist with that? Have you tried communicating to him the way it makes you feel when he makes those comments?

Have I tried? Endlessly.

It is an enormous source of frustration when he thinks he understands me, but he doesn't. For example, if I make a suggestion he doesn't like, he has this way of looking at me like I'm from outer space, and giving me a very quick, forceful, "No!" It makes me feel like two cents. But when I try to explain that to him, he thinks ALL I'm upset about is that he didn't take the suggestion. He sees it that I want everything my way or the highway. He can *possibly* understand these things if a third party tells him, but no matter how I word it, he stays stuck on what he thinks I said already. "No, I didn't say that, I said this" doesn't compute. He'll only say I'm repeating myself.

Marriage counseling does get a bad rap, as it does seem like what's heard about it is the perception of last ditch. I've heard that too. I'm just not personally familiar with it. I only know of couples that have done strengthening exercises that have utilized the Five Love Languages. And I have followed imago stories. Not that I've ever personally been able to use such things in my own life. Anyways...

Yes...about the verbal being a piece of expressive language and communication. One piece of advice that I would give is the power of touch. A gentle hand on the arm, hand, back with eye contact when it's something you need heard and recalled can go a long, long way.

Gentle touch. I'll definitely take that advice. He's not real perceptive with tone of voice either (can bite somebody's head off without realizing he did it) and he's so non-receptive to emotion, he can't tell the difference between just being upset and having an all-out mental health crisis. They look exactly the same to him. Which is the reason for his automatic "do you need to be seen" every time I'm the least bit upset.

The situation has improved some. It used to be that every time he asked me that question, I'd get even MORE upset because to me it looked like he's not taking me seriously. He'd see me escalating and think yes, I'm definitely having an episode, and it keeps building from there. In the end it can create a crisis when none would have happened if I'd just been allowed to show my emotions without having to defend it. ("Now, see? I knew you were building up to this."--"Yeah, I built up to it with YOUR bricks!")

It doesn't happen as often now, but it still does happen. He only partially understands that emotions are not automatically a crisis.

Hang in there

I want to sincerely apologize for calling your husband a jerk. What I meant was he’s acting like jerk when he goads you like that. It came out sounding mean and that was not my intention. I have serious anger issues when I hear of a man abusing a woman. Those are my issues and I need to deal with them.