Is it wrong to think you can save someone?

So, long story short, my girlfriend I have been together for about 3 months now. The strange thing is, a year ago if you told me I would ever even be FRIENDS with this person, let alone be in a relationship with her, I would have laughed. We literally couldn't stand each other when we first met. I don't fully understand how it came to be, I think it's a long and complicated story where we both pretty much realized we needed eachother. Anyway she goes into near crisis at the drop of a hat, much like I used to. We have similar backgrounds and nearly identical MH symptoms. She reminds me so much of how I used to be and I think that's what's drawn me to her. And it seems like I'm the only person who can calm her down and make her happy again. Right now I don't mind at all because I love her and I just want her to get better like I have. I keep telling myself as long as I'm there for her consistently things are going to get better but I've had people tell me that eventually I'm going to wear myself out and not to try to play the hero in the relationship. The thing is, I have no intention of leaving her and I see no reason why I wouldn't be there when she needs me. In the past I've felt like the only thing I ever needed was for someone to love me. But maybe she needs more? How do you maintain a relationship when neither of you are 100% stable without it becoming about saving the person?

No, I don't think it's wrong to think you can save someone but at the end of the day, you can support someone, you can love someone - and those things are important - but the real work is done by the person who needs the saving, so to speak. They're the ones who make the final choices for themselves. But, love, support, can really give a person the strength to keep going forward. Very much so.

I know this is an awful thought. But what if you died tomorrow? What if the relationship doesn't work out because you realize you've grown apart? These are tough questions but they are very real possibilities. You've got to be awarre of the likellhood that you're setting her up to depend on you, and thus not fostering a sense of her own identity with coping mechanisms she can use with or without you.

No, it is not your job to save her. And based on what you mentioned in your OP, I am afraid your're drawn to her because she mirrors some of what you've gone through. It makes me wonder if you're only drawn to her because of this and if it's more advantageous for her not to get well on her own. I make mention of this also because based on what you said, you didn' think you were imcompatible until she exhibited similar symptoms. And that won't make for a long and healthy relationship for one another.

Are either one of you seeking therapy? If so, have you spoken to your T about this?

- Phantogram

Heh, well I don't believe you can save someone, but that won't stop anyone from trying.

It's hard enough to save yourself.

I don’t know that it’s ideal to feel someone can’t cope without you because that’s a huge amount of pressure to put on any one.

In the end, she's the one that needs to start the healing process. You can help her and support her, but the responsability is hers. So be wary of her becoming too dependent on you

separated this portion from the other since I am not sure how it came to be is relevant to the situation at hand


Thing is I don't see much of anything you've said that seems to be out of line here. But I will comment on the idea of meeting and getting involved with people that have similar issues in their life/personality etc. We tend to relate to other people a lot by experiences in life. That's natural. and when it comes to these experiences being issues that we've overcome, we tend to see ourselves in others that are recovering or have yet to recover and feel the need to share our experience and learning with them. I will venture to guess that this may be some of what is going on in your mind. Now it's a good thing and normally this simply gives us the empathy for the other person which strengthens our relationship. But in a skewed or imbalanced dynamic it can be a problem when you begin to sacrifice your own needs to go out of your way to help the other person. That, to me, is what is referred to as trying to "save" someone.

I honestly do not see that you sticking around and supporting her as a problem. but discerning between supporting someone and trying to save them can get kind of cloudy at times. If you are supporting someone it simply means you are there for their crises and there to help pick them up after the event. When it becomes an obsession of fixing the other person it becomes the real problem but I don't see that anything you've said so far really says that you're doing that, and I hope not.

Advice I would give you is that you should just keep yourself as balanced as possible and the same with the relationship. Accept that you CANNOT fix anyone but yourself but you can love and support them. If you accept that it's not on your shoulders that they get better (at all), then you can truly step back and support them and accept them now as they are and that is the most loving and supportive thing that you can do.

also accept this: NO ONE is 100% stable ever.

It's not that it is wrong, it is just untrue.

You cannot make her see herself through your love-eyes—she will only see her brokenness, until she, herself, works on it.

Folks have to want to be better, do better—to change. All you can do is love, support, and empower them