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Default May 01, 2018 at 10:54 AM
  #1
Ok so there is this weird situation that bothers me. I have been streaming online art for years now and have met quite a few people and have a number of followers that watch me regularly. I only mention this because it's the environment where I met this lady.

In a nutshell, we met because she was very impressed with my style and commissioned me to do a few of her characters in my style for her. while working on the art she watched the progress, we chatted and it slowly progressed into flirtatiousness, which was fine. It's online and not really something I usually take seriously.

Long story short it seemed like it was becoming a thing in a way, a romantic kind of online thing. She admittedly said she was quite fond of me and I felt the same. Nothing was really said more than that, she was never an "online girlfriend" or anything but it was heading that way.

At one point after hearing me talk about my kids she finally asked the question of "how old are you?" At that point without going into detail she basically said she couldn't see anything more than what it was because of my age, even though she added it bothered her because she really liked me. Ok so that's that. it happened and that's all well and good after I got over the initial annoyance that the number was the ONLY thing bothering her. lol.

So we drifted a bit.. I kept doing my art and she kind of was away for awhile.. like a few weeks I think?

She showed up the other day.. and here is what my question is about this situation. She was flirting hard again and such and I don't mind that so much but when she heard from me that I was chatting with other women online she got all possessive and such. She jokingly said she was writing her name on everything including me. Which is, to me quite a strong statement anyway... which confused me because well, as I said to her "but I'm too old remember?"

She paused then replied "that doesn't stop me from claiming you and no one can have you unless they deserve you."

In my mind I'm like, "lady, you got no right to claim me in any way shape or form. you made it clear this is going no where so what is your claim on?"

Idk honestly how to say that or what to do, how I should handle this or what not. I mean, ofc I enjoy the attention. who doesn't? but at the same time, why mess around with someone and flirt with them if there is no motive behind it for it ever becoming anything more?

A side note. I don't get flirting like that with someone you're not interested in, courting or trying to have something serious with.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 10:59 AM
  #2
Well, I'm just utterly confused. You mean you're flirting with someone else besides me?!!!



Seriously though, I do think maybe she's just being playful and flirting. I think flirting can be harmless unless it crosses a certain line.

I do think the acting possessive is a little odd.

I think sometimes you can have a friend online who you flirt with but who, due to circumstances, nothing would ever come of it. Does that mean you don't flirt or joke around ever? I think that would make me sad.

I do think the age comment, from her, is annoying. Age is just a number. Get over it, lady.

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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:02 AM
  #3
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Well, I'm just utterly confused. You mean you're flirting with someone else besides me?!!!

omg I've been found out :P lol

I think I do flirt randomly but very lightly with women that I like but am not really trying to have anything romantic with but when I say light, I mean in ways that I don't think people even would take seriously anyway, and know it's jokingly. Anything more than that is really kind of reserved for people that I really am interested in.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:07 AM
  #4
I find her behavior as a red flag. Even if she is being playful the following statement is a red flag ""that doesn't stop me from claiming you and no one can have you unless they deserve you."
No one can convince me that the above statement is a joke and even if it is, seriously, what kind of a joke is that?
On the other hand, may be you should not listen to me since I have been single for over a decade, lol

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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:14 AM
  #5
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Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain View Post
I find her behavior as a red flag. Even if she is being playful the following statement is a red flag ""that doesn't stop me from claiming you and no one can have you unless they deserve you."
No one can convince me that the above statement is a joke and even if it is, seriously, what kind of a joke is that?
On the other hand, may be you should not listen to me since I have been single for over a decade, lol

Being single over a decade doesnt' really matter, as I know you've got experience and wisdom to share even if you downplay it

I agree that it's quite an odd statement. I mean the part that makes me really feel weird is that it underscores the fact that she is not interested in anything more than it is but still feels the need to act like she's possessive of me. What kind of oddness is that?

I have to wonder if someone were to be involved with her, how this possessiveness would play out and.. frankly, I've been there, done that and it's not fun for the "possessed" person lol.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:15 AM
  #6
You're dead on. She has no right to be possessive with you when she is not interested.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:21 AM
  #7
but the question I am getting at is, how to handle this?
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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:39 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
but the question I am getting at is, how to handle this?
I would not provide my opinion unless it is asked... so since you asked it
I would either act impulsive (i.e. run away without looking back) or I would act more calmly and observe her behavior for few more interactions. Be aware of the red flags and (i know it is difficult) do not let your desire to have a companion cloud your vision during this observatory stage.
Again, if it were me, I would run away because her showing up unannounced and making that statement are sufficient evidence that she has some underlying issues that will show their ugly heads in a relationship. Possessiveness is not an attractive trait and if an individual behaves in a possessive way, she/he will likely to show other negative traits in an intimate relationship. Again, it is just me. I do not give second chances once I see a big red flag.
Yes, it is true that we should give chances to people but that does not hold true if an individual's behavior is likely to impact your and your kids' well being in a negative way.
I say, trust your intuition.

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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:47 AM
  #9
I would tell her your thoughts, if it really bothers you.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:52 AM
  #10
After that, if she still acts in ways you're not happy with, Idk, I'd feel like I'd have to face saying goodbye to the friendship. That's me though. That sounds like it could be stressful.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 11:55 AM
  #11
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Originally Posted by FallDuskTrain View Post
I would not provide my opinion unless it is asked... so since you asked it
I would either act impulsive (i.e. run away without looking back) or I would act more calmly and observe her behavior for few more interactions. Be aware of the red flags and (i know it is difficult) do not let your desire to have a companion cloud your vision during this observatory stage.
Again, if it were me, I would run away because her showing up unannounced and making that statement are sufficient evidence that she has some underlying issues that will show their ugly heads in a relationship. Possessiveness is not an attractive trait and if an individual behaves in a possessive way, she/he will likely to show other negative traits in an intimate relationship. Again, it is just me. I do not give second chances once I see a big red flag.
Yes, it is true that we should give chances to people but that does not hold true if an individual's behavior is likely to impact your and your kids' well being in a negative way.
I say, trust your intuition.

Thank you. this here is the most important statement (not just for me but for everyone that deals with situations like this)

Quote:
"do not let your desire to have a companion cloud your vision during this observatory stage. "

To be honest in many cases I've fallen into a trap where I let myself be led on or strung along and even in 1 case badly deceived. Thanks for emphasizing that because it's something that causes me a lot of trouble at times.

but right now, I'm in a good place. I dont' want/need a relationship for any reason but that's not to say I'm not open to one. I'm not looking but God knows it could happen and usually does when you're not actively seeking anything. But my point is, I have no urgency to it and I am quite happy as a (sort of) single guy.

The hard part is that I want her to back off but I feel almost as though the reason she is the way she is with me is because she enjoys the attention herself. I like her as a friend but I figure telling her to back off a bit is going to make me lose a friend. I know, I know, if that's true, she wsn't really much of a friend in the first place right? (just entered my mind as I typed that all out lol)
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Default May 01, 2018 at 12:40 PM
  #12
If being assertive in telling her to back off is worrisome in the thought of losing friendship, maybe counter her possessiveness with something equally as playful but reminds her that it could work both ways in terms of control? Flirty and Possessive but...
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Default May 01, 2018 at 12:54 PM
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If being assertive in telling her to back off is worrisome in the thought of losing friendship, maybe counter her possessiveness with something equally as playful but reminds her that it could work both ways in terms of control? Flirty and Possessive but...


hey healing. Thanks for this. it's really outside of what I had considered so far but is quite thoughtful and could work but can you elaborate on the "something equally as playful but reminds her..." ?
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Default May 01, 2018 at 01:00 PM
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hey healing. Thanks for this. it's really outside of what I had considered so far but is quite thoughtful and could work but can you elaborate on the "something equally as playful but reminds her..." ?
I didn't have a particular line in mind as far as what to say. Just a thought I had as I read through the posts and various replies and sensed your hesitation to go with traditional suggestions. If she's living in a fantasy--afterall wasn't interested once she knew your age and then returns full fledged possessive remarks...then...I thought ahh what the hey ...counterbalance her.
But I still haven't come up with the right comeback to her statement of ownership.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 01:01 PM
  #15
ahh ok no worries I'll keep in mind what you said tho. thank you.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 02:33 PM
  #16
I'm not sure I understand. This woman is online, right? What exactly do you need to do to deal with it? If she is serious, and maybe just ask her that, I would tell her that you two are not a couple or involved and she needs to remember that. Especially since it was her choice.

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Default May 01, 2018 at 02:47 PM
  #17
If shes someone you deal with solely online then if shes says it again i would say .....

I'm not a cow to be branded but thanks anyway now onto the art work etc etc etc

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Default May 01, 2018 at 02:57 PM
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I'm not sure I understand. This woman is online, right? What exactly do you need to do to deal with it? If she is serious, and maybe just ask her that, I would tell her that you two are not a couple or involved and she needs to remember that. Especially since it was her choice.

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I mean to deal with it, to in a way put the friendship back in perspective or at that level.

I do agree with you and I am starting to get the feeling she's not really serious but just playing around. I don't want to play around. Just be my friend or be more ... be distinct in your decision as I don't play around.

ok I'm gonna stop now getting annoyed just thinking about this.
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Heart May 01, 2018 at 02:58 PM
  #19
Some people play out fantasies online. What they say/do often makes no consistent "sense."

I like ~Christina's answer. Lol!


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Default May 01, 2018 at 03:00 PM
  #20
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Originally Posted by ~Christina View Post
If shes someone you deal with solely online then if shes says it again i would say .....

I'm not a cow to be branded but thanks anyway now onto the art work etc etc etc


This made me smile. Idk if I'd use that but great response XD

I think likely I'll just steam as I usually do and if she does that again I will say something along those lines.
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