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GlitterWolf
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Default Apr 30, 2018 at 03:28 AM
  #1
Hi,
Not sure what to do. I haven't seen my relatives for years. I live 100's miles away and don't own a car so I can't visit them. My relatives, who all have cars, have never come to see me. Perhaps they're busy, I always promised to go on a train or plane to see them but ended up not able to do this because of no funds. I had a child, and none of them came up to see. No relative of mine has seen my little one and she's 11 years old now. My grandmother and I have often stayed in touch but our relationship has always been strained. I was not her favourite grandchild and she didn't like me very much when I was a kid.
Sorry its taking long. But my grandfather died 2 years ago and none of them told me about when the funeral was. I mentioned it to my grandmother on the phone and she quickly changed the subject. Some relatives deleted me as a Facebook friend after I confronted my grandmother about things.
Anyway last year I was able to visit them and I told my grandmother that my daughter and I can visit over the Summer holidays. She basically told me that I can't come down there because "lightbulbs aren't working". She said she'll let me know when I can go and visit them all.
None of them have made any effort to come and see me, now I chose to see them, they didn't want me down there. I've decided to cut ties completely from them all. I haven't spoken to my grandmother since last September and she started to make me feel guilty about things I did misbehaving as a kid. I haven't sent them any cards. Now grandmother didn't send my daughter a birthday card this year. Just because she doesn't like me it doesn't mean she should take it out on my child.
Also to elaborate my grandmother has done so much for my cousins its unbelievable, helping them to move into their house, helping them wih their weddings, being there for them, giving them money, ect. but I don't exist.
Also other relatives have made fun of me since I was a kid. As for my parents, my dad passed away and my mother disowned me when I was a kid. I make it sound like I was a monstrous kid but I wasn't, I was shy and sufferred illnesses.
Am I wrong to ignore them?
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Default Apr 30, 2018 at 10:21 AM
  #2
What painful life with that family

No it’s not wrong to ignore them if that’s what you need to do.

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Default Apr 30, 2018 at 10:34 AM
  #3
They sound terrible
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Heart Apr 30, 2018 at 10:56 AM
  #4
No, you are not wrong—just because you are all related does not mean you are ‘family.’

If they are stuck in the years you were a child, that is them, and you have moved on, learned things, and grown…maybe you’ve outgrown them, huh? Why would you want folks who actively ignore you in your life? And now, when you’ve set a healthy boundary, your grandmother tries to make YOU feel guilty? You don’t owe her anything.

I too had relatives who considered me to be the red-headed step child. I was always told someone had died months, sometimes years afterward. They’d tell me like they’d done me a favor—‘we didn’t tell you because you might have tried to come and we knew you didn’t have the money.’ The made decisions for me. And I’ve made peace with it. It’s them, not me.

Take your love and energy and pour it into your daughter! Life a happy life. By not engaging in your relatives cutting behavior—you are giving yourself the message that YOU HAVE VALUE. You are choosing your healthy functioning over someone else’s dysfunction.

I wish you and your daughter the very best!
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Default May 01, 2018 at 04:49 AM
  #5
No, you're not wrong to ignore them at all, GlitterWolf. You're not wrong at all.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 05:04 AM
  #6
That's terrible.. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with this.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 05:19 AM
  #7
Not wrong to ignore them, at all. I'd probably go as far as making sure they couldn't find any semblance of updates about you in any way, i.e., locking down online means, but that's just me.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 09:52 AM
  #8
I haven't spoken to my siblings in nearly 2 decades except for a few short superficial conversations over the years. But I ignore them for a reason.



back when I lived in their state I was married to my 2nd wife and we had 2 boys. At the time they were both babies/toddlers and I lived within 10 min driving distance from my two sisters. They have to this day, never met my boys. They went as far as driving PAST my house when I lived nearby to see my ex wife!



so yeah, umm.. just because they are blood does not make them people worth your time.
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Default May 01, 2018 at 02:56 PM
  #9
They sound awful. I would be like you and just cease communications.. You can decide who gets your time and effort and they dont deserve it.

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Default May 01, 2018 at 03:18 PM
  #10
Life is too short to worry about people, that don't give you the respect, to worry about you. LIVE, and ENJOY Your Life! (((((((HUGS)))))))
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Heart May 01, 2018 at 03:38 PM
  #11
You are not "wrong" to ignore them.

At the same time, I'd suggest you follow your own heart in this matter.

For example, I've had a very, very rude sister. She has behaved in ways, for many years now (20+), in which everyone would understand if I turned my back on her. Yet, I have wanted to try to keep an open heart toward her, despite the nonsense, the direct attacks, the rudeness. Why? I'd wanted to remain somewhat open to her should she someday see the errors of her ways, should she grow as a person, etc. I did not let her treat me badly any more, at a certain point, and in time, she'd shifted in how she relates to me. We now meet for dinner now and then. I see more of her children, too. There has been some degree of "healing," when nobody thought it was possible because there was so much water under that bridge! We may never be best friends; yet, we can talk to one another and can attend the same holiday celebrations with family, etc. It's a healing for the entire family.

There were definitely times when I could list pages and pages of affronts, grievances, heartbreaks involving her behaviors toward me. There were also times when I'd felt it quite likely there would never be any degree of reconciliation. I was, often, close to giving up on there ever being any degree of healing within that relationship. How does one heal a relationship when one is the only one willing to communicate, etc?

In time, though, things have shifted some. We can visit and she has decided to be civil, while knowing I will walk away from a conversation if she isn't civil/kind. (I will walk away from the conversation, but not from her as in permanently walking away.)

Many, many people had counseled me to give up on her. While I know I've had every right to do so, I'd left a window open, just incase. I was not reciprocating her behaviors, I was not acting as advised by others, I was/am following my own heart.

I am advising you to follow your heart, while also being realistic.
This can be a tough balance to achieve and can leave you open to further hurting. It's all about perspective.

For instance, I would continue to send cards to my grandmother no matter what had happened. I love her unconditionally, even when I am disappointed. This is also how I'd dealt with my sisters during the years she would deny my existence, refuse to acknowledge me/my efforts, etc. In my heart, I loved her anyway. Yet, that's just me.

You have plenty of reasons to give up on your family!

Give up when YOUR own heart gives up on them. Stop loving them when you've truly stop loving them. Act like you don't care anymore, only when you've truly given up. Be yourself, don't let others' behaviors determine your behaviors, especially as "reactions" to their behaviors.

Can old dogs learn new tricks? Yes. Are they highly motivated to do so? Not so much, but it is still "possible."

May you find health and Peace in your decisions.


WC

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Default May 01, 2018 at 09:14 PM
  #12
You don't need family like that. Friends can be more family than actual family

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