Overly possesive and controlling mother

Hi!

I am posting here in hope of some good advice that could help me with my acute problem.

I am not a parent. Not feeling too good to write this, but I feel (and know actually) that my mother is extremely possessive to the point of making my life like a prison. Hope I've chosen the right forum to post in.

A short intro: I am a 24 year old. I live with my single mom. We have been living alone from the past ~18 years. Before that, we were living with my grandparents (she had taken a divorce when I was very young, and I've not been in contact with my father ever since).

The story: No close and extended family helped us in any way during these years. My mom used to work as a jewellery designer when I was young and struggled to make ends meet daily. She nevertheless worked hard to get me a good education. Then too, I could just pass high school. Could not complete college because by then we were totally broke .

The situation: Now my mom's old and has been lonely from a long time. She doesn't have any friends (not because she didn't make any, but because during the years, social interaction became almost nill due to our poor condition and whatnot).

The problem: Now my mom's totally broke. I'm working from the past 3-4 years to make ends meet and do earn enough to make our lives run normally. However, she has become... I don't know how to say this there are so many things .. so overly possessive of me that she controls all my friendships and she has become antisocial as well. So she constantly hates neighbors for one or another reason. It becomes difficult for me to live like this. She even controls the songs I listen to! She doesn't spend money wisely and so I have to control all money matters in the house. She constantly fights with me over small problems (which are actually not problems - just in her mind). She is very negative and does minimum work during the day and night. Just sits or lays down the whole day. Makes food sometimes and sometimes not). It becomes very difficult for me to live like this. Especially because when she is angry (and that is more often than you might think), she shouts very loudly (all people in the vicinity get disturbed by it) and speaks bad words, foul language. Now-a-days she has even started shouting out bad (and false) things about me which make my life a living hell here.

What I've done: I work hard day and night to earn money. I'm a website developer and have taken on freelancing due to not being able to go to a regular job - well I did do a regular job for 1-2 years). I love my work and work hard. I try talking to her at every chance I get to make her calm and cool so that she may become positive. But she does not even try to understand. She constantly throws things in the house makes it dirty and bangs the doors.

Finally, the complexity: It's painful to live with her. But she is financially broke and can't live alone - that makes her go so mad that my eyes pop out seeing her that way. So I feel like I'm in a prison. I can't go away from here because she can't support herself. Over the years I tried to teach her work and make her financially and mentally strong. But she completely refuses to do any work. When I try to scare her by saying that I will go somewhere and not return, she readily agrees and says she will die alone. I feel this is a kind of a mental game she plays with me. I even tried once to live separately and during those 3 months she become more and more mad continuously. Every day passes by with me wistfully thinking of a good life and she destroying every moment of it (raw smile).

Note: I repeat I live in India and there is no facilities available like good mental care or government financial support. Well there are those kinds of facilities but mostly only on papers. In reality any time of help that the government gives is so poor that one can't imagine. So I've tried to search for any type of mental health care units and come up with only privately owned good ones that are costly and I can't afford them. Government mental health care etc are just places of hell here .

Thanks for sharing your struggle. I don't know what I could suggest here as an answer to this. Sadly, from what you wrote, it doesn't sound as though there is an answer except, as you mentioned, to simply leave & go make a life for yourself on your own. I know how difficult that may be for you. But otherwise, I fear, you're simply stuck living the life you're living as long as your mother is living. Here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of how to deal with difficult family members as well as others:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...amily-members/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/whats-...deal-with-one/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...-toxic-people/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...eed-to-escape/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...itical-people/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-...er-boundaries/

My best wishes to you...

Hi,

Thanks for the advice. But if I leave my mom she will become completely isolated and will go mad. Further, she has destroyed her own finances badly to the point of no recovery and is completely dependent on me. She won't even have anything to eat if I'm not there. She's 50 years old now and there is no suitable job for her in the vicinity too.

It would have been easy for me to leave her if I knew she could manage alone.

I am fighting a losing battle it seems to me. She again fought a large battle yesterday with me. It seems she is either deluded or this is her nature. I'm not sure whether it's her nature or a delusional case. Doubting people has been her way for as long as I can remember.

To tell you the truth I sometimes wish she would die a natural death soon. Because if you think it logically, she does not seem to have any reason for living. There is no joy in her life. And I believe that if I had been in her place all those years, I would have made some meaning of my life whether big or small. I would have applied my mind to a particular job and do it regularly so that at least one thing was running in my life. I scold her sometimes for not doing any work regularly her whole life. She got a couple of opportunities. But she didn't try. She got a job as an online Math tutor once and I did it (with her name) for 2-3 years. I would regularly try to sit her down and teach her how to do that work, but it would always end in a fight between us.

I don't know why she fights so much. Today I'm particularly sad because I'm feeling hopeless. Day before yesterday she had an ugly fight with a neighbor and got slapped in the face by a girl (of my age) because she was calling her a ***** for no reason. I couldn't do anything because after all it was her mistake.

That night she went away without much money and with my phone. I let her go because I was so tired of it all and she would fight with me if I made her stay. She spent the night in a nearby garden and I spent the night searching for her in the whole city. I was scared she would end up in an ugly place. Finally found her in the morning sitting near a temple.

I'm so tired of this all that I think tired is not the right word. I think the correct wording for it would be that I've lost my spirit to live. To tell you the truth I survive on cigarettes (2-3 packs a day), good friends (who are now not so good after seeing my mum's behaviour) and my work.

I have no family member whom I can speak to because it was those people who did not support her when she was alone because of whom she is like this today (At least that's what I believe).

I'm sorry but I've not read the links you posted above yet. I have ready so many of such links before (how to deal with difficult people, narcissistic mothers, etc) but I'll give it a try.

Any more advice?