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EntropyNoMore
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Default May 19, 2018 at 09:03 PM
  #1
My husband is an alcoholic, and i guess i am enabling him. i look the other way night after nigh when he drinks a whole 12 pack or more. literally every night. he says its the only thing that relaxes his back after work. he has herniated discs and i know that it can be incredibly painful.

but he had them when we married and he only drank maybe once a week. it has progressed more and more over the years, although he did listen when i forbade liquor. the last time he drank a whole bottle of whiskey and we almost divorced.

he puts up with so many of my problems. i am not a well person. "brain things" we both call them for simplicity. he really didnt understand at first but he has been very supportive when i have episodes or when my head downswings.

i havent REALLY kissed my husband in more than 2 years. pecks on the cheek yeah, even quick ones on the mouth, but nothing more than that because the smell and the taste make my stomach turn. even when we have sex i have to turn my head away from him. needless to say i am very unsatisfied in this department. which makes me feel even worse! i dont want anyone else, but its been years since i really enjoyed our sex and its hard not to keep that nagging at the back of my mind that says someone else can do it better.

i feel terrible about it. he has been so good to me in so many ways and i feel like a complete tool for complaining about anything he has to do to cope. but how much is really his back and not just a crutch? he wont even try anything else to help his back, he just says the beer is better.

am i a terrible person? is there a way that i can talk to him about this that wont make him feel inadequate? how long does this have to go on? i just wish i knew how to make things the way the used to be but no matter how this turns out i know it cant. i dont want to leave him, he is the only thing in my life that keeps me here; but our marriage is falling apart faster and faster as the years go by.

i really need some advice here.
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ArchieAus
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Default May 19, 2018 at 10:50 PM
  #2
Yep i think it will be a crutch , his way of coping . Some will label him an alcoholic , but I'm not sure it's as cut and dried as that . He goes to work everyday with his back without drinking . So probably his back is not the prime reason he drinks every night . I personally drank about 6 cans of beer a night for 15 years . I believed it allowed me to copy with work and life stress. I decided to stop doing it and found quite soon that I felt better not doing it . My stress levels dropped and overall happiness levels began to rise . The big thing is to deal with the real issue . Is he unhappy with portions of his life which make him believe he can cope better by deadening his feelings . If possible get him to commit to going two weeks without a beer , and sweeten the deal by saying instead of drinking beer , we can do this ( insert something simple he enjoys ) . A back massage perhaps ? ( gasping at straws here ) , a gentle stroll together ... it's your life , not mine , so you would know best . After two weeks see if he is feeling better . See if he wants to talk about life in general and if he would like to change anything about his life . These changes don't necessarily have to be earth shattering things . It's amazing how little adjustments can give you a new lease on life . It's about hope and feeling positive about the future .
I have no idea if I am 1000 miles off the mark with the above , but it was my experience so thought it worth tabling .
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Thanks for this!
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lily from paris
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Default May 20, 2018 at 12:15 PM
  #3
I have a similar problem with my mom
For now we are still living together and she is an alcoholic for a long time now (coping method for a complicated life i guess) and i also let her do her think as i am tired to fight with her and want to avoid confrontation as much as i can
She is going to retire by the end of the month of her job and go back to her country of origins (at least for a few months)
And i feel so relieve that i won't have to watch her when she will be there that i at the same time feel so selfish and bad at the same time
You are just trying to protect yourself by letting things like that
Is there something that you like doing together ? watch a tv show, taking a stroll?
just to have a moment, a good one, to remember why you got together
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Skeezyks
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Smile May 20, 2018 at 08:19 PM
  #4
Well... you received some solid advice from ArchieAus. I will say that I used to work with people who'd had work-related injuries... many of them involving herniated discs. And I have a herniated disc myself that impinges on my sciatic nerve. Thus I also have the sciatica. So I know first-hand, from both professional & personal experience, how complicated these situations can be.

On the other hand, I'd have to say that 12 or more beers every night is a lot of beer! (I don't drink anymore at all for the most part. So maybe I'm prejudiced?) But setting aside the question of whether or not your husband's drinking makes him an alcoholic, I can't imagine that this is good for his long-term health. It's also not good for your emotional health or for the health & vitality of your marriage either, as you clearly understand.

You asked if you're a terrible person. No you are not. But you do have a very difficult problem. And you have some (potentially) excruciatingly difficult decisions to make. You didn't mention if you're currently seeing a counselor or therapist. If you are, this situation is certainly something you should be talking about at length & in depth. If you're not seeing someone at the present time, perhaps now is the time to do so. Continuing to turn this situation over-&-over alone in your head is I fear a prescription for ongoing despair.

Here's are links to a selection of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that hopefully may be of some help to you as you continue to contemplate how to handle this most difficult situation:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/are-you-an-enabler/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/are-yo...r-just-caring/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-i...-and-enabling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...lic-in-denial/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/if-some...-with-alcohol/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...holic-partner/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/welln...nking-problem/

My best wishes to you both...

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Thanks for this!
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EntropyNoMore
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Default May 20, 2018 at 09:19 PM
  #5
Thanks to both of you for the advice. And thanks for the links skeezyks. Ill definitely give them a read. I am seeing a psychiatrist but have been thinking of seeing anither therapist too. Maybe trying to get my husband to go with me. Thanks again
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Default May 21, 2018 at 06:41 AM
  #6
You're not a terrible person. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Is medical marijuana legal in your state? While I don't generally encourage people to smoke marijuana, particularly for mental illness, in your husband's situation it might be less harmful to his health for him to use medical marijuana than alcohol. Alcohol is alcohol is alcohol, by the way--whether it is whiskey or beer or wine or a nice mint julep on race day.

He likely cannot go a day without alcohol, so he is going to need professional help to give up the booze. Do you have an understanding medical doctor? I would ask my hubs to get his back evaluated (yes, again, he likely has seen doctors before but I would ask him to go again) and before his appointment I would contact the doctor and tell the doctor (in email, via a letter, or on the phone) that my hubs has been self-medicating and give the specifics. The doctor cannot discuss your hubs with you but you can tell the doctor what the truth of the matter is. Your hubs wouldn't need to know you did this.
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Default May 22, 2018 at 12:27 AM
  #7
My experience dealing with alcoholism and recovery for a bit over 20 years.... your spot being progressive.

At this moment I am pretty much doing the same your husband and I as well have degenerative disk disease in my lower back and there are times the pain can be excruciating however in my case, alcohol does nothing for the pain. I take other meds for that which is an addiction within itself and I am tapering off the drug, doctor supervised. So... I have it all, the back, alcoholism, drinking every night, going to work the next day.... high functioning alcoholic! The only reason I am not drinking tonight is I haven’t felt great today and the cause of that is more than likely some other issue I was just diagnosed with, heart failure.

AA says no one can diagnose him but himself. I have been in and out of AA for over twenty years and there are so many other options for recovery I am in no way saying AA is the answer. I am exploring other options myself...... obviously AA has not kept me sober and there are those that say it is because I didn’t work the program or one of many other reasons that I haven’t stayed sober. I can say that if I did what AA suggested day in and day out I know I would feel pretty good however unfortunately for me I am one that just can’t do what is suggested day I and day out. Some people can, I have many friends that have been sober 20-30 years. So that’s my qualifications.

I would check those links out in the above post. Perhaps look for an Al-Anon meeting, if he is alcoholic and can’t or won’t stop drinking you are going to have a mess on your hands. You already recognize the progression....... that’s exactly what alcoholism is, a progressive disease. Aside from the links, the more you educate yourself, the better you will be able to make your decisions moving forward for you..... you’re not a terrible person, it is not by any means selfish of you to take care of you first. That is another symptom of alcoholism, those around us enable us and feel like they play a role in the drinking somehow or think there is something wrong with them. Please by no means take what I have said as me telling you what you should do, only you know that, I’m just giving my experience.
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divine1966
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Default May 22, 2018 at 03:21 AM
  #8
You can’t make people quit drinking. You didn’t cause and you can’t cure it. It doesn’t mean you should be ok with it. But you really only have two options: ignore it and just enjoy your life or leave. You can’t control his drinking. You can only control yourself

Now him going to work doesn’t mean he might not be an alcoholic. There are high functioning alcoholics, the ones that maintain their jobs and home but self medicate with alcohol. 12 cans a night is a lot of alcohol.

I am not telling you that you should leave your husband but you can’t make him quit. But you can make you own decisions
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Default May 22, 2018 at 06:42 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966 View Post
You can’t make people quit drinking. You didn’t cause and you can’t cure it. It doesn’t mean you should be ok with it. But you really only have two options: ignore it and just enjoy your life or leave. You can’t control his drinking. You can only control yourself

Now him going to work doesn’t mean he might not be an alcoholic. There are high functioning alcoholics, the ones that maintain their jobs and home but self medicate with alcohol. 12 cans a night is a lot of alcohol.

I am not telling you that you should leave your husband but you can’t make him quit. But you can make you own decisions
In my experience the last 20+ years, I completely and absolutely agree with @divine1966. You may consider yourself in all this and what is best for you. A half case of beer a night that you have watched progress to this point. The thing about alcoholism...... there is no possible way to reverse it, a person either treats it or they progressively get worse over time. Oh.... of course there is always some reason however trivial it may be for the increase in volume of drinking over a period of time. Again, I am speaking from more than 20 years of dealing with my own alcoholism. I hope I have been able to give you some insight as to what you described.
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