daughter - I am at a loss for words

May 23, 2018 at 10:42 AM

I am extremely distressed about my daughter.

She is 31 and lives across the country. I can't physically be there for her. The problem is she is incredibly lonely. So much so that it seems she has convinced herself she will be so for the rest of her life (I dare not tell her that her standards are far too high - that is a different thread entirely). This is all coming to head right now as her dog is reaching the age and poor health that it is time to consider humanely saying good bye. facing her dog's mortality is worsening her incredible sense of loneliness.

I have tried to comfort her but I feel helpless to do so not being there. Short of "I understand" and "I love you" I am at a loss for words. I honestly feel such a failure for being unable to comfort her. I cried myself to sleep last night feeling there was nothing I could do.

Does anyone have any ideas?

HeyMikey · May 23, 2018 at 11:22 AM

Any chance you could visit her?

divine1966 · May 23, 2018 at 02:44 PM

I can relate. I’ve heard it somewhere and my therapist mentioned it: “We can only be as happy as our unhappiest child”. So true.

When my son in law died in tragic circumstances it was the most horrible time in my life because of how my daughter suffered. I can’t even describe how bad that was. Mine also lives far and I see her just few times a year the most. I have no advice. Just understanding.

You might want to ask her what would she find helpful? Visit? Skype?

Hang in there. Parenting never really stops

WasabiAlmonds · May 23, 2018 at 02:56 PM

Reach out and be supportive, which is what you're doing. Which is unfortunately all we can do. We cannot protect our children only help them to be strong.

Bill3 · May 23, 2018 at 03:02 PM

I wonder if she sees, or would be willing to try seeing, a therapist.

May 23, 2018 at 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

I wonder if she sees, or would be willing to try seeing, a therapist.

Bill3, you have a point. Both of my children have seen my rise and fall owing to my mental health. This includes debilitating periods of Depression. I have opened the channels of communication about my health and that they should not be afraid to address theirs if needed. I see a great deal of myself in my daughter. In particular I recognise not only the onset of Depression but the stubborness to acknowledge it. Last night I came right out and asked if she felt Depressed. The answer of course was "No." I did manage to point out that she has an EAP just a phone call away.

I thank you for the suggestion.

Perhaps if I were to talk positively about my own experience with therapy her fear to do so might be lessened.

ArchieAus · May 23, 2018 at 05:00 PM

Her mood is understandable . A dogs ill health , when it is in the stage of end of life can be very frustrating and depressing as there is no answer , you cant "fix" it , you just have to do the best you can and follow the path . Quite often a worse period than actually losing the animal . If her dog is part of her family , then she"ll feel it very acutely.

May 24, 2018 at 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArchieAus

Her mood is understandable . A dogs ill health , when it is in the stage of end of life can be very frustrating and depressing as there is no answer , you cant "fix" it , you just have to do the best you can and follow the path . Quite often a worse period than actually losing the animal . If her dog is part of her family , then she"ll feel it very acutely.

This dog IS her family so I can understand the gut wrenching grief. I can also understand the doom and gloom prospect of finding one's self alone. She is not living the life she had wanted. She assumed that at 31 she would have a family, home, and picket fence sort of thing. So losing her companion is of awful consequence to her.

It was mentioned that I visit. She is a day's drive away so this is not something I can do often or without extensive planning. She laid to rest her other dog several months ago (which compounds her sense of loss) and I was able to make it out then. I have just this morning made the offer of gas money so as she could visit her 'home' community where most of her other close family and long term friends reside.

I am careful not to make this about me but I would be lying if I did not admit my own anguish over the matter.

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HeyMikey Junior Member Member Since May 2018 Location: Boston Posts: 10 5	May 23, 2018 at 11:22 AM #2 Any chance you could visit her?
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WasabiAlmonds Member Member Since Apr 2018 Location: NYC Posts: 69 6	May 23, 2018 at 02:56 PM #4 Reach out and be supportive, which is what you're doing. Which is unfortunately all we can do. We cannot protect our children only help them to be strong.
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Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	May 23, 2018 at 03:02 PM #5 I wonder if she sees, or would be willing to try seeing, a therapist.
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ArchieAus Member Member Since Sep 2017 Location: Western Australia Posts: 284 6	May 23, 2018 at 05:00 PM #7 Her mood is understandable . A dogs ill health , when it is in the stage of end of life can be very frustrating and depressing as there is no answer , you cant "fix" it , you just have to do the best you can and follow the path . Quite often a worse period than actually losing the animal . If her dog is part of her family , then she"ll feel it very acutely.
	Reply With Quote