advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
HeyMikey
Junior Member
HeyMikey has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 yr Member
Unhappy May 23, 2018 at 10:52 AM
  #1
Hi,
I’ve been dating a women I love for 5 years, during the beginning of our relationship things were fine. It took a turn for the worst about two or three years in. When she was a child she struggled with OCD, and it had come back. I was fine with it, having dealt with mental illness myself. I didn’t understand it, she thought things were dirty all the time, and stopped cleaning. Trash was piling in the house and when I would try to clean things, she’d get aggressive and yell at me ask what I touched (She won’t let me clean). During this time I became very angry with her because I couldn’t cook my own food, I was only allowed access to one room in the house. What made me angrier, is that she had a friend that she would always go to their house. I was mad at this because 1. Our house was a mess and she wasn’t at home cleaning it, or letting me clean 2. Negative things at this friends household was taking place (Drinking, Fighting, ETC) 3. It felt like her friend’s word took priority over mines. I was feeling insecure at this time. The women I love was showing little care in my prospective to our relationship. I didn’t go and hang out with her friends because the alcohol use between her friend and her boyfriend, I don’t like to surround myself with stuff like that. I was invited, but I always turned it down. There’s always other men over there, which I didn’t like and I expressed it to her, which became a fight. I said things to her that I look back on and regret. They were hurtful. I have this problem where I get mad when she goes to her friend’s house. I’m not trying to be controlling, but she thinks I am (One the reasons why I’m on here is to get different views). I just really feel like she invest too much time into a friend when she has a child and a person she would like to marry one day to invest into. I can admit I’m am jealous of the relationship she has with this women. She talk to her much nicer than she talks to me and respect her opinion over mines (I can give her the same advise her friend did, month before she tells her, and then she give her friend the credit) she’ll spend 8 hours with her friend, then when she get home sit on the phone with her until 2 am and turn around and call her at 7am. I don’t get it. I’m looking for help. Any suggestion or advice I would appreciate it. I’m struggling with this its making me super depressed. I want to fix this, if possible.
HeyMikey is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky

advertisement
Molinit
Grand Member
Molinit has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 838
8 yr Member
84 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 23, 2018 at 09:23 PM
  #2
You won't be able to change her, so today, how she is now, what is good about this relationship for you that you'd want to continue it (other than being familiar)? And how would you feel 5 more years from now, with her the same and 5 years later in the same situation with her?
Molinit is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Quarter life
Elder...and a bit Older
Community Liaison
Quarter life has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: My Own Orbit
Posts: 6,912
10 yr Member
371 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 23, 2018 at 10:43 PM
  #3
Ideally as a relationship progresses we hope that we are able to work on shared goals as we move forward. However, this doesn't seem to be the case in your relationship right now. The behaviours such as those displayed by your girlfriend as you mentioned above are more often than not symptoms of something more troubling going on. You said that there is a child in her charge? Who is caring for this child living in squalor as she is out drinking? I'm not saying that your girlfriend can't go out and have a good time now & then, but her priorities seem a little skewed right now.

For the child, your and her sake... at the very least I think it's time you put your foot down with regard to the messiness & hygiene of your home, and try as best you can to get to the heart of what is really going on with her. This may not be something that you or her can fix on your own, but defining troubling issues that need addressing is half the battle won.

I wish you all the best.

__________________
The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am ​the storm."
Quarter life is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
seesaw
Human
 
seesaw's Avatar
seesaw grieving
 
Member Since: Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,341 (SuperPoster!)
8 yr Member
1,262 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default May 23, 2018 at 11:00 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molinit View Post
You won't be able to change her, so today, how she is now, what is good about this relationship for you that you'd want to continue it (other than being familiar)? And how would you feel 5 more years from now, with her the same and 5 years later in the same situation with her?
While I truly hope that your GF gets help, and the home gets clean, and the child gets taken care of...in terms of what's best for you, I think Molinit put it very well. You cannot change her. She has to want to change herself. If she does think there is a problem and wants to change, maybe you can salvage it. But if she is happy with how things are, then you can expect more of the same forever. Is that what you want?

Do you two communicate about these issues in your relationship? What does she say about all the time she spends at her friends, then talking to her friend?

I guess, I mean, I would tell my BF to take a hike if he thought he had any say in what I do or who I call BUT if I'm also not taking care of my home (and there's a child living there) so I'm not being responsible and holding up my end of the partnership we've entered into (you may not be married but if you live together there is an implied social contract)...then she does have some responsibility to you.

I think you need to talk to her. Then decide what you can live with and what you cannot.

Good luck,
Seesaw

__________________


What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
seesaw is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Agent Misty
Member
 
Agent Misty's Avatar
Agent Misty the shadow lurker
 
Member Since: Jul 2016
Location: Central Headquarters
Posts: 163
5 yr Member
27 hugs
given
Default May 23, 2018 at 11:10 PM
  #5
Yes, you can't change her. She could change herself, but by your words it seem that is not on her list of goals. everyone changes but those changes aren't always "improving"... sometimes those changes are 'becoming worse'. Or just neutral. You can only try to help her or get her help.
Agent Misty is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
HeyMikey
Junior Member
HeyMikey has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 yr Member
Post May 24, 2018 at 08:50 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Molinit View Post
You won't be able to change her, so today, how she is now, what is good about this relationship for you that you'd want to continue it (other than being familiar)? And how would you feel 5 more years from now, with her the same and 5 years later in the same situation with her?
I want to resolve this situation, basically she tells me stop trying to change her. That with the friend thing. I feel like I doing something wrong. Like I know I have to change getting angry and how I act while I’m mad, but it’s like what else.
HeyMikey is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
HeyMikey
Junior Member
HeyMikey has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 yr Member
Default May 24, 2018 at 08:53 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Agent Misty View Post
Yes, you can't change her. She could change herself, but by your words it seem that is not on her list of goals. everyone changes but those changes aren't always "improving"... sometimes those changes are 'becoming worse'. Or just neutral. You can only try to help her or get her help.
I’m not very helpful. Like I remind her to take med. try to get her to see her therapist, but she just avoids it all. I think she needs inpatient treatment, she will not have that.
HeyMikey is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
HeyMikey
Junior Member
HeyMikey has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 yr Member
Default May 24, 2018 at 09:00 AM
  #8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quarter life View Post
Ideally as a relationship progresses we hope that we are able to work on shared goals as we move forward. However, this doesn't seem to be the case in your relationship right now. The behaviours such as those displayed by your girlfriend as you mentioned above are more often than not symptoms of something more troubling going on. You said that there is a child in her charge? Who is caring for this child living in squalor as she is out drinking? I'm not saying that your girlfriend can't go out and have a good time now & then, but her priorities seem a little skewed right now.

For the child, your and her sake... at the very least I think it's time you put your foot down with regard to the messiness & hygiene of your home, and try as best you can to get to the heart of what is really going on with her. This may not be something that you or her can fix on your own, but defining troubling issues that need addressing is half the battle won.

I wish you all the best.
She has OCD so putting my foot down won’t work. I don’t think it’s a problem for her to go out either. It was the amount in which she was spending more time with her friend than cleaning or at least trying too. Like I read a bunch of stuff that says don’t do their compulsions. It’s like I have to , or she’ll get super angry and act out.
HeyMikey is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Erebos
Poohbah
 
Erebos's Avatar
Erebos has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2016
Location: U.K.
Posts: 1,090
5 yr Member
58 hugs
given
Default May 24, 2018 at 10:00 AM
  #9
I think you have been given the answer here but your not hearing it.

You can't do anything!
You can't fix her.
Nothing you do will change her behaviour.

So now you look at what YOU want with that in mind.
As things are, you are looking at another 5 years of this.
Can you do it, just letting it go, and doing the best you can without judging or getting angry.

If this life as it is, isn't what you want then you have to make another choice. A choice for yourself. Because you are the only person you have control over.

__________________
I Don't Care What You Think Of Me...I Don't Think Of You At All.
CoCo Chanel.
Erebos is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
HeyMikey
Junior Member
HeyMikey has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 yr Member
Default May 24, 2018 at 10:26 AM
  #10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Erebos View Post
I think you have been given the answer here but your not hearing it.

You can't do anything!
You can't fix her.
Nothing you do will change her behaviour.

So now you look at what YOU want with that in mind.
As things are, you are looking at another 5 years of this.
Can you do it, just letting it go, and doing the best you can without judging or getting angry.

If this life as it is, isn't what you want then you have to make another choice. A choice for yourself. Because you are the only person you have control over.
Understandable. Just hearing others out for different way to move around this.
I definitely have to do what’s best for me.
Thanks
HeyMikey is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:52 PM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.