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Junior Member
Member Since May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 |
#1
Hi,
I’ve been dating a women I love for 5 years, during the beginning of our relationship things were fine. It took a turn for the worst about two or three years in. When she was a child she struggled with OCD, and it had come back. I was fine with it, having dealt with mental illness myself. I didn’t understand it, she thought things were dirty all the time, and stopped cleaning. Trash was piling in the house and when I would try to clean things, she’d get aggressive and yell at me ask what I touched (She won’t let me clean). During this time I became very angry with her because I couldn’t cook my own food, I was only allowed access to one room in the house. What made me angrier, is that she had a friend that she would always go to their house. I was mad at this because 1. Our house was a mess and she wasn’t at home cleaning it, or letting me clean 2. Negative things at this friends household was taking place (Drinking, Fighting, ETC) 3. It felt like her friend’s word took priority over mines. I was feeling insecure at this time. The women I love was showing little care in my prospective to our relationship. I didn’t go and hang out with her friends because the alcohol use between her friend and her boyfriend, I don’t like to surround myself with stuff like that. I was invited, but I always turned it down. There’s always other men over there, which I didn’t like and I expressed it to her, which became a fight. I said things to her that I look back on and regret. They were hurtful. I have this problem where I get mad when she goes to her friend’s house. I’m not trying to be controlling, but she thinks I am (One the reasons why I’m on here is to get different views). I just really feel like she invest too much time into a friend when she has a child and a person she would like to marry one day to invest into. I can admit I’m am jealous of the relationship she has with this women. She talk to her much nicer than she talks to me and respect her opinion over mines (I can give her the same advise her friend did, month before she tells her, and then she give her friend the credit) she’ll spend 8 hours with her friend, then when she get home sit on the phone with her until 2 am and turn around and call her at 7am. I don’t get it. I’m looking for help. Any suggestion or advice I would appreciate it. I’m struggling with this its making me super depressed. I want to fix this, if possible. |
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MickeyCheeky
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Grand Member
Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
Posts: 843
8 84 hugs
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#2
You won't be able to change her, so today, how she is now, what is good about this relationship for you that you'd want to continue it (other than being familiar)? And how would you feel 5 more years from now, with her the same and 5 years later in the same situation with her?
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Elder...and a bit Older
Community Liaison
Member Since Nov 2013
Location: My Own Orbit
Posts: 6,912
10 371 hugs
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#3
Ideally as a relationship progresses we hope that we are able to work on shared goals as we move forward. However, this doesn't seem to be the case in your relationship right now. The behaviours such as those displayed by your girlfriend as you mentioned above are more often than not symptoms of something more troubling going on. You said that there is a child in her charge? Who is caring for this child living in squalor as she is out drinking? I'm not saying that your girlfriend can't go out and have a good time now & then, but her priorities seem a little skewed right now.
For the child, your and her sake... at the very least I think it's time you put your foot down with regard to the messiness & hygiene of your home, and try as best you can to get to the heart of what is really going on with her. This may not be something that you or her can fix on your own, but defining troubling issues that need addressing is half the battle won. I wish you all the best. __________________ The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am the storm." |
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Human
Member Since Apr 2014
Location: Home
Posts: 8,345
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#4
Quote:
Do you two communicate about these issues in your relationship? What does she say about all the time she spends at her friends, then talking to her friend? I guess, I mean, I would tell my BF to take a hike if he thought he had any say in what I do or who I call BUT if I'm also not taking care of my home (and there's a child living there) so I'm not being responsible and holding up my end of the partnership we've entered into (you may not be married but if you live together there is an implied social contract)...then she does have some responsibility to you. I think you need to talk to her. Then decide what you can live with and what you cannot. Good luck, Seesaw __________________ What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly? Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia. Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less... |
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Member
Member Since Jul 2016
Location: Central Headquarters
Posts: 163
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#5
Yes, you can't change her. She could change herself, but by your words it seem that is not on her list of goals. everyone changes but those changes aren't always "improving"... sometimes those changes are 'becoming worse'. Or just neutral. You can only try to help her or get her help.
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Junior Member
Member Since May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 |
#6
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Junior Member
Member Since May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 |
#7
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Junior Member
Member Since May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 |
#8
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Poohbah
Member Since Nov 2016
Location: U.K.
Posts: 1,090
7 58 hugs
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#9
I think you have been given the answer here but your not hearing it.
You can't do anything! You can't fix her. Nothing you do will change her behaviour. So now you look at what YOU want with that in mind. As things are, you are looking at another 5 years of this. Can you do it, just letting it go, and doing the best you can without judging or getting angry. If this life as it is, isn't what you want then you have to make another choice. A choice for yourself. Because you are the only person you have control over. __________________ I Don't Care What You Think Of Me...I Don't Think Of You At All.CoCo Chanel. |
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Junior Member
Member Since May 2018
Location: Boston
Posts: 10
5 |
#10
Quote:
I definitely have to do what’s best for me. Thanks |
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