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justafriend306
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Default May 23, 2018 at 11:02 AM
  #1
Maybe I am alone in this. I try to be incredibly supportive of my boyfriend. But recently a situation has occurred that while on the surface I am doing my best to appear supportive, I am secretly not. It is eating away at me.

Briefly, he put a subordinate in charge of handling a serious matter. The employee it turned out had neither the training nor the skills to do so and all resulted in a disaster with a great deal of crap rolling down hill and onto my boyfriend's shoulders. I really feel for his having gotten into trouble and am doing my best to soothe his anger and angst.

But the truth of the matter is I am a former leader myself and I recognise that ultimately my boyfriend is responsible for the disaster. He failed to ensure his subordinate had the proper skills and training to complete the task.

So I bite my lip and nod accordingly. Inside however it is a struggle.
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Default May 23, 2018 at 03:56 PM
  #2
I guess he'll either get through the anger part and accept that a supervisor is ultimately responsible for the results of his dept and learn from the experience ... or he will continue to believe he is the victim in this cock up and not be a supervisor for too long .
If you yourself have previous experience with supervising employees , then use that knowledge to know when the time is right to offer constructive , supportive criticism . I'm not a relationship expert , but believe that honesty and compassion would come up in a list of desirable things on most people's wish list . The mix of delivering those things is up people in that relationship , but there's nothing wrong with having compassion for someone's disappointment , while also helping them to understand areas they could have anticipated better .
Rule #1 in supervising . Trust no one , check everything your *** is ultimately going to be pinned to .
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Default May 23, 2018 at 04:02 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by ArchieAus View Post
I guess he'll either get through the anger part and accept that a supervisor is ultimately responsible for the results of his dept and learn from the experience ... or he will continue to believe he is the victim in this cock up and not be a supervisor for too long .
If you yourself have previous experience with supervising employees , then use that knowledge to know when the time is right to offer constructive , supportive criticism . I'm not a relationship expert , but believe that honesty and compassion would come up in a list of desirable things on most people's wish list . The mix of delivering those things is up people in that relationship , but there's nothing wrong with having compassion for someone's disappointment , while also helping them to understand areas they could have anticipated better .
Rule #1 in supervising . Trust no one , check everything your *** is ultimately going to be pinned to .
Thanks, well said.
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Default May 23, 2018 at 11:45 PM
  #4
I would just be supportive. Everyone's different. Everyone's brain functions different and there are thousands of people with the same jobs that have wildly different accomplishments AND mistakes in their time. The story here doesn't sound uncommon, actually. I'd also say what he is feeling right now is normal and it's good you are being supportive even if it isn't entirely heartfelt.
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Default May 24, 2018 at 07:40 AM
  #5
Being supportive means focusing on the pain right now, not the mistake.
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Default May 24, 2018 at 09:37 AM
  #6
Thank you friends for the valuable insight. I have slept on this and between the your kind suggestions and the fresh perspective it is easier to not heed my gut reaction. Yes, he made a doozy of a mistake but it happens. He has likely thought of this now himself and probably learned from it. I have managed to refrain from the what-I-would-have-done thing, thankfully. And you are right, one holds hands with their loved one even after they have faltered.
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Default May 24, 2018 at 09:50 AM
  #7
I am hopeless in these situations, my fella often misreads work situations and I always call him out on it.
It isn't that I don't support him, I do, but he won't learn anything if I agree with him when he is blatantly wrong.

I also am a hideous liar so...you know...

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Default May 24, 2018 at 10:02 AM
  #8
You can always tell him this later, when he'll feel better. Right now, you can focus on being supportive.
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Default May 24, 2018 at 11:39 AM
  #9
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I am hopeless in these situations, my fella often misreads work situations and I always call him out on it.
It isn't that I don't support him, I do, but he won't learn anything if I agree with him when he is blatantly wrong.....
Yes, I understand this. This isn't the first time he has brought home a story from his workplace and I have had to bite my lip from responding. It is all I can do not to have a coaching conversation.

I may have put some food for thought in his head however earlier today. I asked him about Terms of References and whether they are in place for each position. I did some wondering out loud. Yes, passive aggressive I know but hopefully it has got him thinking.
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Default May 24, 2018 at 02:20 PM
  #10
After years of dealing with my H's crap & also being a computer engineer that knew exactly was going on, I had no feelings to support him after all those years with all his excuses for the things he was whining about, he pushed me to the point that no sympathy existed for the situations he got himself into & I usually called him on his rediculous excuses. He is still pulling that crap....I left 11 years ago as I couldn't tolerate him any longer.

Depends on the foundation of yoyr relationship how it gets handled. I realized there was no foundation & by that point I didm't care what I said to him. So your foundational relationship is important determination in how you handle it.

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Default May 24, 2018 at 06:16 PM
  #11
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Originally Posted by justafriend306 View Post
I really feel for his having gotten into trouble and am doing my best to soothe his anger and angst.

So I bite my lip and nod accordingly. Inside however it is a struggle.
I think that I understand. To me it's like that fine line between what is enabling and what is supportive. And if not enabling then reinforcing through validating without being able To mention where he possibly made a mistake? I'm sure if he owned up to his role and took responsibility it would be easier to support the feelings he has over gaffing at work? As opposed to soothing him in his anger over the reprimand?
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Default May 25, 2018 at 12:52 PM
  #12
You can be supportive of your boyfriend without hiding the fact that the responsibility is on him. Idk about you but if someone were faking their support for me it would bother me if I knew that, and I'd much rather think my friend, gf, or other important person in my life be completely honest with me.

Mind you I am not saying that you should be cold and uncaring about how he's enduring pain for it but put that where it belongs. The pain caused by him making mistakes. it's some of the best pain we should endure and welcome, because it forces us to learn from our mistakes. If you act like you're on his side feeling like his pain is anything but consequences of bad choice, he won't get anything good from the experience itself.

Be supportive of him but don't coddle or be fake.
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