Estranged Mother

My mother and I used to be very close when I was a teenager. However, I only visited her as my parents are divorced, and was raised by my father and my grandparents.

There were a lot of things growing up that never made sense to me, and even frightened me: my dad's extreme reaction whenever I'd mention my mother's side of the family, or how everything from before I was 3 when my parents were still married was kept hidden, and even asking the slightest question would set one of them off.

As I grew older, things started to make sense. I'm almost 23 now, and I try and communicate as little as possible with my mother. So if we were close when I was a teenager, what happened?

I started putting the pieces together. And as an adult, my dad felt more comfortable sharing things from the past with me. And how I missed this, I'll never know. Because it makes sense.

My mom remarried shortly after her divorce with my dad. To a man she met online from Virginia. It never clicked in my head of the possibility that she would have cheated, but she did. While I was just a child under 3 years old.

My dad, despite raising me and giving me a pretty good childhood, became very abusive and controlling the older I got. As a teenager, I was kept under a tight watch. I wasn't allowed to do anything, even when I was 18. So, it makes sense why I found refuge in my mother, as visting her was more like visiting a friend. She didn't really do motherly things with me; we mainly went to the mall, and she was even considered the cool mom amongst my friends because she was "cool" and fun to hang out with.

But when I finally realized everything, the fun ended for me with her. And it's funny; I remember back in those days, my closest friend at the time couldn't stand my mom and I couldn't figure out why. Even she could see it before I did.

My mom's reason for cheating on my dad was because he was abusive and controlling. I planned to escape without telling anyone to Sweden with my boyfriend and when we finally got there I called my mom and told her exactly how I felt. How she should have saved me from a man she thought was so abusive and horrible to her. But no, she left me there, and went to live with another man.

My relationship with my dad now is at an all time high. After I came back home from Sweden, my dad started actually listening to my thoughts and emotions, and when I did see my mom again I just felt extremely uncomfortable. The last time I saw her was for my birthday in 2016. I was still with my Swedish boyfriend, and I remember telling her about someone else I was talking to that I met online. And it was like she encouraged me to cheat.

And I did. But not because she told me to, but because I was genuinely falling in love with this other guy and didn't know what to do. Some of my friends considered it cheating, while others didn't as we never met up in real life and the only thing we actually did was tell each other we loved each other at that point.

Anyway, that's a story for another time.

After that day, I never wanted to see my mom again. She still sends me the occassional Facebook message and sometimes I respond while other times I won't, usually because I don't feel like it or I'm actually busy as I just started going back to school. Her husband died of cancer last August so she hasn't had anyone. I feel slightly bad about it, but at the same time, I believe karma got her for what she did to me. She had fifteen or so years for her own pleasure, and now she's finally getting what she deserves for abandoning her own daughter for her own desires. Not to mention after I came back to America, I found out she had been talking to my dad and telling him lies about me in order to make him even more pissed off at me, like telling him I was doing illegal drugs.

Now, I'm still unsure of what to do. There's still a part of me that wants to fix things with her in the future, but she's 52 and she clearly hasn't changed one bit. I want to cut her off and block her, but that just doesn't feel like the right thing to do. But nothing really does.

Well... I'm probably not the best person to be replying to this post since I left my parents behind many years ago. (They're both deceased now.) It was a complicated situation. And it was all, perhaps, as much or more my fault as it was theirs. I'll spare you the details)

What I would say though, with regard to your post, is first of all avoid as much as possible continuing to be caught up in what occurred between your father & your mother. That was their story... not yours. Of course it affected you. But that too is in the past now. So try to leave what is in the past... in the past... if you can. (If you cannot, perhaps that's where seeking the services of a mental health therapist comes in.)

Try, if you can, to imagine yourself when you're oh... say... 50 years old yourself. How will you feel looking back about how you handled your relationships with your parents? If you honestly feel you can cut one or both of them out of your life & feel comfortable with the fact that you did it, then fine. But if you imagine it's likely you'll regret having done so, then I would encourage you to at least try to keep the lines of communication open. This will most definitely require you to establish & enforce some personal boundaries. You're an adult now too. And you have the right, I might say even the duty (to yourself), to say what you will & won't accept from each of your parents. If they can't live with the boundaries you establish, they also can choose to walk away. My best wishes to you...

There is no right or wrong answer. Both of my parents have passed. My mom and I were estranged for most of 7 years before she got cancer. We had 5 months together and she passed.

If I'm being perfectly honest, I dont have regrets. She disowned me at the worst moment of my life. I survived not because of her, but inspite of her. I took care of me. I wish she was still here, but I believe we still wouldnt have a relationship.