Im Male and my "best Freind" dissapoints me

I'll try and make this brief and I am not the best typer. I am 58 and male and have been friends with my buddy for over 40 years. However in our teens when I would pick him up to go to a movie he would ALWAYS be late...always. he also had these backhanded comments..such as when I turned 30 years he said..you don't look so bad..just a few more wrinkles..etc. Also to backtrack when I was in college and came home for the holidays...I had been working out. Hadn't seen him in a semester and I put 275 lbs on the bench press..instead of saying..You can do this..he instead said.."You cant do that"..!!! But I did it!

Another example in my early 20's I picked up this girl one night at a bar...the next day he proclaimed.."Ive gotten her too".

Which now brings me to the present. I moved from my home state in May 2017 to the mountains of North Carolina with my wife. We could not be any happier! However before we moved...i at least expected my "buddy" to ask me out for a beer...in fact dinner with him and his wife would have been a nicer gesture. Well, he never did any of the above.He will, however, comment on my pictures via Facebook..but again it has been a year since I left my old home State and he has never once picked up the phone and called. He is a complete enigma.He has YET to say via text or phone.."I cant wait to come visit you at your new cabin" He seems very jealous...always has been and not happy for my success.. Is this typical of someone with passive aggressive personalities? Narcissism???


My birthday is coming up in July and without a doubt he will text but not call...which to me is very lame.

So here is my question to all here...should I when he texts on my birthday...should I ignore him and move on.? (.in other words I'm tired of his treating me like second class)..or should I call him on the carpet and politely tell him ask him what is the reason you cant call or visit? Or lastly just say "Thanks" and keep the game going? These questions here are where I really need advice and help..


PS When his first child/son was born I thought sure I would be the godfather..but he instead asked someone else. He did ask me to be the godfather of his second son/child...but yet I have..except for at most two occasions... been invited to this boy's birthday parties. His son was deployed in the military and upon his discharge I was never invited to the coming home party.


Oh and back in January, he out of the blue texts me and says his daughter is about to be engaged...heck I never knew she was dating anyone.

Lastly his mother treated me with disdain....

I would just go silent, life is too short.

He’s hot the cold. Who needs that ? No matter what he says if you confront him will make matters better?

Even though you and him go way back doesn’t mean it’s got to be “lifelong pals”

Good luck

If it were me, I would not say anything about visiting your new cabin unless you first invited me.

I have sent out an invite to him and all my friends...to visit me in my cabin. One last important note.....I gave him one of the highest honors one could EVER give to a friend. My Mom died in 2014 and my Dad died in 2016..I asked my friend to speak at BOTH my Mom's and dad's funerals....And This is the the guy who I honored and he still has yet to pick up the damn phone????

Thanks so much!!!

Why Invite the guy when I am the one who left and he has yet to call to ask how Im doing and wish me good fortune??? Geez

It seems like you have a lot of expectations that he should be catering to you?

Like you want him to invite himself to your cabin. Have you actually extended an invitation to visit you to him?

As far as calling and texting, it works both ways. If you want to hear from him, then why don't you text him?

If you wanted to see him before you moved, why didn't you ask him to go to dinner with you and your wife?

And why would he update you about some guy his daughter is seeing? I would never expect my mother or father to tell their friends about the different men I date, unless I got engaged to one of them.

Did you ever talk to him about being the godfather to his first child? Or did you just assume he would make you the godfather, even though you describe your relationship with him as not very close, since he doesn't say supportive things to you and kinda jabs at you.

It just seems like you have expectations out of him that are out of sync with what level of friendship he has seemingly consistently presented.

But I don't know the whole situation.

You are asking others what you should do, but what you ought to do (and do) is for you to decide.

Although what I going to type is not in reply to your question, it is my humble perspective that it is relevant and, perhaps, necessary content to form a reply to your question, Freeatlast51.

Of course, please, choose as you will if you read (or not,) my post, draw any thoughts from it (or not) and so on.


According to the info that you divulged, the behavior that this guy, whom you call a "friend," expressed in the aforesaid stories does not seem to constitute how a friend is, even though "friendship" is subjective. To elaborate, his behavior and interaction with you seems to depend upon him, whether it is his self-interest, his life, needs and/or other aspects that pertain to him. Moreover, his actions and behavior in the content which you shared seem to be of using someone (e.g. you) and, maybe, other traits as well.

I state the aforesaid paragraph because if he is indeed someone, who uses you and/or has a relationship with you based on him (e.g. his self interest,) would you still consider him a "friend" (without even thinking about him as a "'best' friend.")

Also, a counterpoint to the aforesaid perspectives is if you are possibly reading too much into his behavior (and/or lack here of,) his actions and so forth. Perhaps, ask yourself if you are misjudging your friend, whether it is through projection, expectations, implanting and/or some other process.

With that said, it is my humble perspective that he might be someone, who acts on self-interest and so forth. How ever he contacts you if he does indeed contact and how ever you reply might be a consideration for you, but, perhaps, another consideration to think of is to change your self to not care (or care less) about him, his interaction with you and so on. Thus, if he contacts you, so what? Additionally, so what if you reply (with how ever little info) or do not?

It is possible to be thankful (for birthday wishes,) but to still acknowledge that the person, who is expressing the wishing, is not necessarily doing so for your sake (I almost typed "cake,") the sake of being kind and so forth.



Christina, Bill3 and seesaw said their posts well.

Reading the OP, I started to think the exact same things. Maybe he views your friendship at a lower level than you do. But as seesaw said, we don't know your whole history.

Well if it were me I would not contact you about visiting in response to a blanket invitation. I would wait until I was personally invited. But also I would be more interested and responsive than he has been.

Maybe I'm wrong ( mostly are ) , but the way you write the initial post about your long friendship , it seems that you've often felt he hasn't been there or done things you thought he should . You also table that you got him to speak at the very sad occasion of your parents passing , so you must have a deep respect for him . One wonders about the things you haven't included , surely there must have been occasions where your friendship was great or why would you still be in contact .
Some people just don't match up to the lofty heights we hold them in . They are who they are , we accept it , or move on .
I had a friend in primary school , we were good mates . Life moved on , we did different things so drifted apart . For many , many years he held me on this pedestal of "the best friend he ever had" . I think finally at a school reunion when we were all turning 50 that year I believe he finally got the message that I wasn't perfect . He stopped asking me to be the "important person"in everything that happened in his life . I have to say , that point was a relief to me . I was happy enough to keep in contact , but had no interest in being the perfect friend , I hadn't felt that need for decades . Does that make me a jerk ? , yeah maybe in some people's eyes . That's life , you only live once and we change a lot throughout our lives . Don't make what he does so important in your life ..is my long winded advise .

This is tough because he could have a very different view on the situation than you do. Some of what you've said it seems like you're taking it the wrong way, but if something he says bothers you then you have every right to speak up and say so, otherwise how is he supposed to know? For example, joking about age related things. Some people make jokes like that and don't realize the receiver is actually taking it seriously and being hurt by it. Still, if it bothers you then you can tell him not to say those things. If he still does, don't be friends with him. I've had a friend before and one now that makes sometimes mean jokes. The first one wouldn't stop despite me telling him to and why, so I removed him from my life. I struggle with depression and the last thing I need is someone pointing out my flaws and laughing at them, even if they don't mean to be hurtful. The other one is so far respecting my limits, but time will tell.

As for the invitation to your cabin, you did say in another post that you invited people in a general sense. However, if he has trouble socially, that might not be enough. If it were me seeing a general invite to your cabin, I'd like to think I would drop you a message and invite myself over, but I probably wouldn't. I'd wait to get a personal invite, and would honestly expect one considering we're "great friends" in this scenario and a more personal invite would seem appropriate to me. Without one it would feel like I wasn't really wanted.

As for texting vs calling, some people don't value calls more than texts. It seems like to him he feels they're the same, or he prefers texts. If he has social anxieties like I do, text is much easier to say anything at all and if the alternative were calls only then little would be said.

Bottom line is you need to talk to him about these things. Call or text, say you would like to discuss something important with him (make it clear you want it to be a phone call) and see if he is available for a little while to do so, or see when he will be. When you get to have the talk, start by saying you feel like your friendship isn't where it should be and you'd like to figure out what's going on. Bring up specifics like you did here, especially in regards to the jokes that hurt your feelings. Remain calm and do not be confrontational. I cannot stress that part enough. If he is someone with anxieties you will only make him shrivel up and not be able to talk to you as clearly, he needs to feel comfortable. Heck, even a normal person wouldn't be nearly as receptive to someone coming at them angrily as they would be with someone who is coming at them with love. Try to come in with an open mind and realize that it could just be you misunderstanding his intentions. At the very least if the call doesn't go well then that should give you peace of mind to remove him from your life.

I am not sure if you're questioning what you should do or if you lack the confidence to do what I honestly think you know you should do. What I mean is, it's been 40 or so years you've known this guy and he's pretty much been the way that he is all the while.

I dunno if you really think that asking him why he can't visit is really going to suddenly make him realize what a dud he is for a friend. I'd like ot think that you likely already know that won't result in any chang in him at this point. Nor will you get a satisfactory response.

I think your first step of moving away with your wife was a really good idea for you but you just need to take the next step and quit waiting for the approval of someone that really isn't worthy of your consideration. Thing to ask yourself is why you have sought for his praise, and approval and everything else all this time. I dont' say that lightly either, because frankly I was in the same situation with my own brother my entire childhood. I broke free of that nearly 20 yrs ago and for the better.

Just move on. Find better friends.

lastly if he's jealous of your life. it ought to make you feel good that you have done something right, and have a life that at least some may be envious of. It's a compliment. remember that.

Excellent post and reply sir. You seem to be the only one here that understands the situation. Thank so much !

Free