Should I tell my husband?

healingme4me · Jun 13, 2018 at 08:47 PM

File a restraining order. Why do you equate this to abandoning your daughter?

divine1966 · Jun 13, 2018 at 10:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

File a restraining order. Why do you equate this to abandoning your daughter?

She said she won’t abandkn her daughter after saying that she wished she could die

healingme4me · Jun 14, 2018 at 04:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

She said she won’t abandkn her daughter after saying that she wished she could die

Although after being beaten and feeling trapped in that situation, it becomes a twisted conflict of emotions because one of the top aspects to staying is this ingrained sense that having kids together is lifelong in raising them yet feeling hopeless because of what happened with the assault and battery.

Even for instance, I hear from time to time, well meaning and all, as I struggle and embark on raising teen sons alone how it's harder for me because they are at an age of where society says these boys need a man in the house.

The hopelessness I can relate to of the OP because after one of the restraining orders was lifted, the one where he went ballistic on our anniversary because someone told him I was having an affair. He had hired a lawyer that really did a number on me on the witness stand and the crazed look in his face that there was no way I was ever going to leave....I remember coming home and crying my heart out...

Jun 14, 2018 at 05:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Although after being beaten and feeling trapped in that situation, it becomes a twisted conflict of emotions because one of the top aspects to staying is this ingrained sense that having kids together is lifelong in raising them yet feeling hopeless because of what happened with the assault and battery.

Even for instance, I hear from time to time, well meaning and all, as I struggle and embark on raising teen sons alone how it's harder for me because they are at an age of where society says these boys need a man in the house.

The hopelessness I can relate to of the OP because after one of the restraining orders was lifted, the one where he went ballistic on our anniversary because someone told him I was having an affair. He had hired a lawyer that really did a number on me on the witness stand and the crazed look in his face that there was no way I was ever going to leave....I remember coming home and crying my heart out...

I am very sorry for all you had to go through. Raising teenagers can be hard, but you know... I never had any mother or father, all I had were critics of me telling me that I should "study, have a bright future -- so we can enjoy your money and social influence --" this lead me become mad.

Some parents like you who take parenting seriously feel the pressure of nurturing their kids. Some don't consider them to be their kids, and don't feel any pressure at all. The only thing that they need to say is "We don't have money for anything you ask for except food, clothing and shelter." I cannot explain my dire status here as the thread would get derailed, but all I can tell you is this.

- Feel the responsibility of taking care of your children? Congrats, they most likely will be successful.

As the opposite happened in my case. I had great potential in science. I could have been a doctor.

Jun 14, 2018 at 06:42 AM

Yes, press charges, get a restraining order, and figure out how to leave him. Can you take your daughter with you? Do you have somewhere else you can stay? The police should be able to help you problem solve the situation. Trust me, you're not doing your daughter any favors by staying with this abusive man in an abusive household.

Tyffani · Jun 14, 2018 at 11:47 AM

I work for a lawyer, actually... Spent the whole morning there talking to him.. they said they would help me with this... My boss got me a hotel room for the rest of the week so my husband can't find my daughter and me..
Everything feels so unreal... I don't understand why any of this happened.... I still love him... I can't stand it... I hate how much I want to be with him right now... I don't want to hurt him... But I don't know what else to do to protect my daughter....
I wish I could just turn it off... I don't want to feel anything for him.. but I can't help but love him still... It's so sick...

Deejay14 · Jun 14, 2018 at 12:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyffani

I work for a lawyer, actually... Spent the whole morning there talking to him.. they said they would help me with this... My boss got me a hotel room for the rest of the week so my husband can't find my daughter and me..
Everything feels so unreal... I don't understand why any of this happened.... I still love him... I can't stand it... I hate how much I want to be with him right now... I don't want to hurt him... But I don't know what else to do to protect my daughter....
I wish I could just turn it off... I don't want to feel anything for him.. but I can't help but love him still... It's so sick...

This is just part of the cycle of abuse. Look how twisted your thinking is. He beat and raped you and still you want him in your life. Please get yourself a therapist and work through this. Life can be so much h better for you and your daughter. No more walking on eggshells, no more violence. Your home should be a safe place.

Jun 14, 2018 at 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyffani

I work for a lawyer, actually... Spent the whole morning there talking to him.. they said they would help me with this... My boss got me a hotel room for the rest of the week so my husband can't find my daughter and me..
Everything feels so unreal... I don't understand why any of this happened.... I still love him... I can't stand it... I hate how much I want to be with him right now... I don't want to hurt him... But I don't know what else to do to protect my daughter....
I wish I could just turn it off... I don't want to feel anything for him.. but I can't help but love him still... It's so sick...

Good for you for getting help and for being safe. As for loving him, you love the good parts of him that you saw..... not the bad parts. But that bad comes with the good and outweighs the good by far in this case. You have to look at all sides to him..... physical violence and rape are very serious. He can never be trusted again. Violence is not love. Violence is abuse. You must stay away from him and leave him fully for your own safety and for your daughter's well being.

healingme4me · Jun 14, 2018 at 04:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyffani

I work for a lawyer, actually... Spent the whole morning there talking to him.. they said they would help me with this... My boss got me a hotel room for the rest of the week so my husband can't find my daughter and me..
Everything feels so unreal... I don't understand why any of this happened.... I still love him... I can't stand it... I hate how much I want to be with him right now... I don't want to hurt him... But I don't know what else to do to protect my daughter....
I wish I could just turn it off... I don't want to feel anything for him.. but I can't help but love him still... It's so sick...

Good for you for being able to ask for help and get the resources needed to escape. The love aspect is akin to the stockholm syndrome. It's worthwhile seeking therapy for and joining a support group with others who have gone through similar. You've gotta figure that you've created a hope for a future together and built dreams together so it's very hard to let go of the what could have beens and what should have beens.
I see you call yourself sick, it's him who did these things to the mother of his child.
There's a reason why it can take up to eight attempts to leave an abuser. One of them is in the shock to the system and denial with an air of this must be a mistake due to the extreme betrayal involved.

Tyffani · Jun 16, 2018 at 10:24 PM

Thank you guys... This **** is just so crazy... My lawyer said that they pressed charges but they didn't arrest him... Not too sure what's going on.. Just been kind of in a daze these past few days...
Had to get a new phone because my husband and his "friend" kept calling and texting... I feel awful... I don't know if I want to do all of this... I want to know what my husband has to say... But I know there's nothing he can say to fix this... I'm still covered in bruises... I know it needs to be over... But I still feel like I want him here... It's so exhausting...
His friend kept begging to meet up and talk... But this is all his fault... What the he'll could be possibly want?!? Everything was going fine and that stupid text destroyed it all... How could I think I would want anything to do with him?!? Make no sense....
And tomorrow is father's day... This **** really sucks...

Quarter life · Jun 17, 2018 at 12:21 AM

No not everything was 'going fine'. You fear someone who is meant to protect you and make you feel safe. Walking on eggshells out of fear is no way for anyone to live. Your 'husband' has stepped over a line...there is no forgiveness or atonement....the die has been cast past the point of no return. My advice is to speak only to your husband through a third party and only when absolutely neccessary. Yes there will be confusion, hardship and sadness for a time, and your husband has trained you to also feel guilt for demanding respect, but you must push all of that down and strive to push forward toward a new happier safer future. Become the hero of your life...be everything he refuses to be.

I wish you strength, patience, perseverance, and all the best moving forward Tyffani. You are among truely caring people here.

divine1966 · Jun 17, 2018 at 01:02 AM

You are covered with bruises but they didn’t arrest him? Really? Who are “they” who pressed charges. You are the one who needed to call the police and press charges. And what do you mean “everything was going fine”? There is nothing “fine” in abusuve marriage. Please stay strong and safe and don’t look for excuses anymore

avlady · Jun 17, 2018 at 04:11 AM

Be rid of him for good!!

healingme4me · Jun 17, 2018 at 04:46 AM

The very last time a hand was laid on me, I was 3 years out of my marriage. The cops came fortunately because of neighbors. When charges were brought up on my ex husband through the District Attorney's Office, he was cuffed and brought to the station first. There were some court cases. He spent time on probation. Time in therapy. Time in Anger Management.
I still needed and did go to the courthouse to file a restraining order separate from the case the District Attorney was working on. That one actually stuck.

Block your husband's friend. And why are you knowing what on earth they are even talking about?

So what if it's Father's Day? WTH type of example is he showing HIS Daughter???

Jun 17, 2018 at 09:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tyffani

Thank you guys... This **** is just so crazy... My lawyer said that they pressed charges but they didn't arrest him... Not too sure what's going on.. Just been kind of in a daze these past few days...
Had to get a new phone because my husband and his "friend" kept calling and texting... I feel awful... I don't know if I want to do all of this... I want to know what my husband has to say... But I know there's nothing he can say to fix this... I'm still covered in bruises... I know it needs to be over... But I still feel like I want him here... It's so exhausting...
His friend kept begging to meet up and talk... But this is all his fault... What the he'll could be possibly want?!? Everything was going fine and that stupid text destroyed it all... How could I think I would want anything to do with him?!? Make no sense....
And tomorrow is father's day... This **** really sucks...

Yes, he should have been arrested. You still have bruises.. there's proof.

I am sure you are shaken up, confused, feeling hurt and you may not be thinking straight.

As others are saying, everything was not fine. He is abusive. He's hit you before, and now he's beaten you up and has raped you. You need to see him now for who he truly is...... a very sick man, a twisted man, who is violent and very dangerous to you. Please see him this way...... please continue to take care of yourself and your own safety. Forget about Father's Day right now.....that is not of the greatest importance right now --- this man needs to be arrested, and there needs to be legal repercussions for his violence. Can you talk to the police about a restraining order and get one ASAP?

Buffy01 · Jun 17, 2018 at 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Middlemarcher

I would encourage everyone to read this poster’s history and take it into consideration. Yes, you should be able to tell a spouse that this happened. But in an abusive situation, it is not a good idea.

I agree!

Buffy01 · Jun 17, 2018 at 06:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Yes, he should have been arrested. You still have bruises.. there's proof.

I am sure you are shaken up, confused, feeling hurt and you may not be thinking straight.

As others are saying, everything was not fine. He is abusive. He's hit you before, and now he's beaten you up and has raped you. You need to see him now for who he truly is...... a very sick man, a twisted man, who is violent and very dangerous to you. Please see him this way...... please continue to take care of yourself and your own safety. Forget about Father's Day right now.....that is not of the greatest importance right now --- this man needs to be arrested, and there needs to be legal repercussions for his violence. Can you talk to the police about a restraining order and get one ASAP?

I completely agree! Gather evidence against him

Buffy01 · Jun 17, 2018 at 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

You are covered with bruises but they didn’t arrest him? Really? Who are “they” who pressed charges. You are the one who needed to call the police and press charges. And what do you mean “everything was going fine”? There is nothing “fine” in abusuve marriage. Please stay strong and safe and don’t look for excuses anymore

I seen this happen in both sides.

Buffy01 · Jun 17, 2018 at 06:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quarter life

No not everything was 'going fine'. You fear someone who is meant to protect you and make you feel safe. Walking on eggshells out of fear is no way for anyone to live. Your 'husband' has stepped over a line...there is no forgiveness or atonement....the die has been cast past the point of no return. My advice is to speak only to your husband through a third party and only when absolutely neccessary. Yes there will be confusion, hardship and sadness for a time, and your husband has trained you to also feel guilt for demanding respect, but you must push all of that down and strive to push forward toward a new happier safer future. Become the hero of your life...be everything he refuses to be.

I wish you strength, patience, perseverance, and all the best moving forward Tyffani. You are among truely caring people here.

Ask if he wants to talk you it will be in n front of your lawyer in front of a police officer. Ask why documentation you need to prove abuse. Take picture go to a local shelter for domestic violence

Tyffani · Jun 17, 2018 at 06:45 PM

I'm honestly not sure what the situation is... My lawyer said they gave him a court date or something for charges they are going to fight for... I really haven't been able to focus on this ****... It's too much sometimes....
I do think they said I have to be the one to officially arrest him, I think... I guess I should... But I feel like maybe he just needs some help... But I know that's probably a sick part of me... I don't know what's wrong with me...
My lawyer has me starting therapy this week... I'm really worried... I'm not sure what I'll have to talk about... I don't want them to think I'm crazy...

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healingme4me Perpetually Pondering Community Liaison Member Since Apr 2013 Location: New England Posts: 46,298 (SuperPoster!) 11 4,168 hugs given	Jun 13, 2018 at 08:47 PM #41 File a restraining order. Why do you equate this to abandoning your daughter?
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Anonymous40643 Guest Posts: n/a	Jun 14, 2018 at 06:42 AM #45 Yes, press charges, get a restraining order, and figure out how to leave him. Can you take your daughter with you? Do you have somewhere else you can stay? The police should be able to help you problem solve the situation. Trust me, you're not doing your daughter any favors by staying with this abusive man in an abusive household.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,369 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Jun 17, 2018 at 01:02 AM #52 You are covered with bruises but they didn’t arrest him? Really? Who are “they” who pressed charges. You are the one who needed to call the police and press charges. And what do you mean “everything was going fine”? There is nothing “fine” in abusuve marriage. Please stay strong and safe and don’t look for excuses anymore
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avlady Wise Elder Community Liaison Member Since Jan 2013 Location: angola ny Posts: 9,786 (SuperPoster!) 11 28.8k hugs given	Jun 17, 2018 at 04:11 AM #53 Be rid of him for good!!
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